I am living alone literally, i have had an empty nest since the dear husband left for Heavenly abode very coolly and peacefully, i had the joy of doing something for the children and fulfilling my responsibilities meticulously, now that they are married, and busy building their own nests, i feel i have finished my duties as mother and i no more can exercise any control over their doings by pulling the thread tied up to their balloons of lives. I have learned to let it loose from my fist and seeing them fly and fly along with their spouses and kids.
so I experience the real meaning of empty nest not only physically but even psychologically and socially too.
some are very happy to see my children are well settled and see the hand of God and His mighty love for me and my children. But some other jealous people see only my lonely journey and say that it is a curse to live alone. But i see the loving hand of my God who never left me alone at any cost through all my life.
Life is going on and on without me intruding in it anything consciously, i am taking rest to the utmost. Wonder how God teaches us lessons, I thank God for this Chickengunea which i got inflicted in the month of September 2010 soon after my retirement which made me bedridden for a while. I thank God for He has given me enough strength to renovate the house for the utmost comfort of my children for their home visit in November 2010 later again though i fall asick terribly, God provided His amazing grace just to carry on my duties for the marriage of John and Annie on 22nd November and there on till the children left to their destinies. Later again i fall asick , this time with great red boils on my feet which impaired me completely to my bed, as i could not step my feet on the floor. I started to limp around, and could not walk without a support. I praise God , in this terrible lonely situation i found His grace and His Word sustained me, Happy , my daughter sent me a website where i studied about chickengunea and stopped all the painkillers and antibiotics and started to take only that medicine Chloroquine Phosphate 250 mg since 25 days and i see restoration my health day by day. I praise God for this.
I know i was just looking ahead for this retirement and planned to do so many things and visit many a places and do whatever i want to do. But this sickness taught me to be alone psychologically and rest at home peacefully and wait upon God for His time and guidance. I praise God once again
Ages passed away, since i scribbled here in my blog, i almost forgot the title of my blog too, i surfed over the net with different names and ultimately searched in Google and found my own blog, sitting there and staring at me, Strange, everything seems so futile and useless, i do not find any meaning in anything, i started to observe people from the above and i feel along with the wise king, and say loudly in my heart, How futile is this life, vanity vanity, everything is vain and useless.
20 days passed since i am retired, i praised God for i did not fall asick during my working days, Though i fall asick i could get up from the bed soon and could walk again now, These 20 days are great lessons to me, all i want is rest and rest and rest both physically and mentally, lot of sleep which is essential for my aching bones is fullfilled, and i am glad for that, and thanked God for that.
wonder why i feel that all is drama and whatever i do is just acting? i feel not to talk to people, because the way they speak i do not like, i feel lonely even when i am in midst of any group, i am not able to enjoy anybodys company,
I wish to establish the relationship once again with my saviour, but i do not see any thing to pray, except that i wish to pray for some sick people,
whatever i may find solace only in prayer, otherwise i do not see any meaning in this life.....
Life ia mystery. Win our lives? why certain things happen ? But they happen because they are needed in our lives Why the night should be so dark?why there should be darkness at all? if night is not there people on this earth will never have rest in their lives.
When I look back this terrible incident that happened in my life right at the brink of my very life, i see that everything has bee " predestined" by God. If this incident did not happen, i would not have another miracle story of "READERS"s DIGEST" to depict later that happened in my life after one year.
When certain things were happening in my life, though they were so petrified and terrified and sometimes sorrowful, i see the loving hand of God was weaving a beautiful pattern of clorful design inmy life And every incident in my life wheter i chrish it or not whether they havea meaning in it or not, wheterh they gave me immense joy or give me deep sorrow, nothing, not even one incident missed His eye Rom 8:28 " all things work together for good for them who love God and who are called by His name" Even this most terrorized incident in my tender years of22 years age had its beautiful pattern in my life.
I" I was standing at the Zion Koliwada Suburban Bus Stop, as it was suburnun area, there were scarcely a few buses come to that stop and as already one bus left , just before my arrival, there, I was in only one who stood waiting for the next bus.
I had a small hand bag in which there were only Rs.200/- as my last resort of my survival for the rest of my life in Bombay till i get tht promised typist Post, Only few days back i resigned the post of Air hostess in Air India, due to some reasons I had a gold chain on me which i usually cover up with my sari pallu during the rush hours of travelings in the city As it was very sultry day and as there were not many people on the road I just slipped off the pallu from my right shoulder and let it hang loosely at my back
Suddenly within no time I saw one young man was running on the road and approached me in a minute and hit me on my neck. I thought he was a rowdy and goonda who was trying to molest me until the next second when i heard him shouting at me in Hindi, I could hear him in my shock only three words like " Chore....Chain... Margaya" Then i realized that he snatched away my gold chain and he was threatening me if i shout " Chore or chain "that he would kill me.
Then i saw my gold chain, half piece of it was dangling from his fist and the other half chain fall at the electric pole nearby me We both saw that at once and we both tried to pick it at a time, But he jsut pushed me aside and snatched it from my hand and hit me with a long Gupti, a sword, on my face and started to run on the road All this happened in a matter of a few seconds and just started to chase him in spite of his warning. I was shouting for help" chore chore pakado pakado" ( There the thief catch him" People many of them were standing on the foot path either side of me but no body came to help me. I was just a feet behind him and he was running fast and I did not stop running or chasing him or shouting aloud for help.
To this day i feel that it was miraculous protection of God that protected me from the hand of that person with a sword who had murdered an elderly man of 75 years , the manager of Roopam theator just a street beside in the broad light of the day. His name was Augustine , the piece of the gold chain which we both tried to pick up from the electric pole had a rold gold Cross,
As it is written n Daniel 6:22 " My God sent his angel, and he shut the mouth of the lions.They have not hurt me because i was found innocent in his sight. Nor have I ever done any wrong before you, O king"
Yes, indeed the Lord had sent his angel to protect me from a murderer on whose hands the blood of an old man were not yet dried. I was matter of fact, it was so easy for him to turn around as he had the same sword in his hand with which he stabbed just a few minutes ago and could kill any person who stop him on his run away., My life was nothing to him, whom i was chasing on the public road, shouting for the help and attention OF the public In fact while that manger was walking on the foot path to reach the theater after getting down from his car, he was stabbed right in day time and on the public road It was not a big deal for him to do the same once again and get rid of me as I was just a step back of him, following him.
In such a situation we both were crossing a four road junction when a car just stopped on my left side just a feet away screeching loudly. I thought I was under it wheels almost, and was going to die the next second. But i did not die nor the car touched me,Again I started to pursue him and we both were running on a foot path, and suddenly two hefty men over run of me and as i was seeing in shock, one of them with his two legs in the air jumped on Augustine's back. Right on the main road he fell down and the sword in his hand was thrown away to a distant . At that moment all those people who were on the footpaths started to chase him shouting at him But strange as a lightening he jumped over the little bridge wall over the jopadhas ( small tin roofed houses) and started to run, i found half piece of gold chain when he fell and i picked it up.
As I could not follow him any more, jumping from the brick wall of the bridge down to the jho[pdas, I stopped to chase him. And there was a public tap where some women were observing all this came in rescue of me and hold me as I touched my cheek I found gush of blood oozing out of the wound he made and I felt like I was swooning and fell down on the road. But I regained my stregth and asked for Paani ( water ) they brought it and at the moment all of us saw a police zeep across the place where we were and the police hefty ment were shouting loudly (aaoo aaoo Mutunga Police station aaoo) it means Come on to Matunga police station to me. The women there got one auto for me and pushed me into it, that I better go to the station and lodge the complain.
So in an instance I jumped into the auto and reached the station. Once I was in the Police station I felt at poise. Police are my blood and flesh, of course my dad was in this Police job, so I was at home in the station. The Police officer asked me about my whereabouts, I answered him, " I am from Andhra Pradesh and I came here as I got job as airhostess in Air India and my father is DSP of police right back at Andhrapradesh. " He was pleased to hear this, he ordered for hot coffee and bread omlette for me to eat and relax. we called for Br Murthy and Br. Khoshi to come to the Police station. Meanwhile the son of the Rupam Theatar manager came and sat beside me and the murderer was produced in front of us in couplings I was told the incident of murder and unknowingly my both knees were knuckling to one another. I was trembling a little. This physical reaction is something which was not in my control of mind.
But I managed, somehow. The police took the chain the two pieces and sealed it in front of me and said that they would produce it in the court and would call me for trail when time comes. Thus I was disposed, the doctor who treated me with my wound was astonished, saying," This is amazing, you got deep wound on your cheek bone , yes , right on cheep bone , if it is a little down, it would have cut your cheek into two and you need stitches which would make an ugly scar on your face. If it is a little up your eye nerves would have been cut off and your would had been blind for life . Its pure LUCK" he said, I said 'No doctor its not Luck , its the GRACE of God."
Can you believe that I lost this gold chain in 1976 and I got it back in 1982...in wonderful miraculous way? I will post it soon .
This morning I was online hoping to c Happy and to talk to her online somehow I was led like that even before I read the Daily Bread, then i saw a letter from one of my close friends, and i was led to reply her then and there, and after i sent it i wondered how far my reply has substance, and here is my reply and later the daily text from Daily Bread, which consoled me a lot .........go thru, and find the strange ways of Gods answers.
"Don't u think that we talk to each much deeply and intimately on emails rather than in person, either on phone or directly? woo wwow that was real big concern that u have showed to me by telling me that i should live with children
I do not know what Jesus would have to told us suppose He lived amongst us once again. He knows the pretty well how human mind would change and the cultures would change, I am sure that the women in those days were not at all like this as it is now. Do u know the history of the church? God u will be shocked to know the things that had had happened and the church took tyrannic actions toward the people. St Paul's writings were very complicated, God love is the same for both woman and man, His way of teaching and caring was different, Well my views about Paul and his writings are quiet different, bec i know the heart of My Heavenly Father, I do not think that He will bring the curse of EVE still on me, even after He had come tothis world thru a woman, Tell me can u agree with St Paul the way he went and shaved his head to fulfill his vow past?
Take the present day context , move among the beaten women like me , feel with them, live with them be one among them, wear the shoes they wear, Even prostitutes, Hiv/Aids infected women, u will say what Paul said was not correct in many cases about the women.............hahah, i think i am preaching here, i have many messages in my heart, to speak but i dare not, as it is i am alone again, if i have a man in my life who supports me who really encourages me and not selfish and inferiority complexed i would have been a Revolutionist by this time in Christondom, haha well life is great and strange, and i know what I have to do, I need to seek for His directions still in many areas, wel welllllw ellllllllllllllllll i stop now,
otherwise i fear i loose a good and sweet friend of mine
That was the letter i was writing to one of my close friends,
Then i thought how wonder it is to have different opinions about the very crucial issues in life on which i did agree with many all these years of my christian life, i feel now i am different, i think different , i see the word God supports me in my views too,
Wow interpretation of the word of God is very easy, each person sees it in different angle and talks about that, actually unless and until u r there in the situation u will never know what it means, that is the reason why i like the writings of Richard Wumbrand, the great warrior for Christ, his approach for life is different from any one here , the so called great preachers, unless and until u r in the Gods underground church u will never understand what it is to read the Bible and understand, Hey again my sweet Our Daily Bread is my rescue, here it is what it says...
"So Leela right? or Leena right? why cant we agree? Different personalities, history, or knowledge can color people's views, It does 'nt mean that one person is right and the other is wrong, yet sometimes we can me unkind, rigid, and judgmental if there is not agreement,
Can we learn someone who sees things with different a different perspective? do we need a practice a little patience and love ? i am grateful that God is abundantly patient and loving with me.
This answer helped me a lot to revive my demeanor and disposition today/Yes this is really a daily bread for me, and i need it everyday to my starving soul.
I am good , hale and healthy for two days, but suffer from some ailment the other day, but each time i feel that the end is near by and i would not recover soon, and it would lead to some horrible disease, People on the whole think that i am good in health, and acitve and energetic, and no body believe that i am suffering with one or the other ailment in the body.
But when i am ill healthy, what i do is a routine, I swallow some tablet, and lie down quietly on my coach, i do not prefer to share mya gony of the body to any one , because there is none so close to listen to me, there wont be any one to take caare of me, or give a glass of water, or say an encouraging word, or touch me warmly on my forehead, or just smile at me and say that they are there to look after me. i just close my eyes and pretend that i was sleeping all the time till i recover, wondering this would not end and I may end up in the bed like that only and breath my last.
Yet times i feel i have finished everything that i have to do, and i am at the end of my days, and i should not have any desires to enjoy life, the very next day i am enthusiastic and buy this and that for the kitchen and for my self, to make life comfortable, even while buying i feel that life is too short to enjoy now, and again i comfort myself in the days i should enjoy life i could not, atleast now i should have these little amenities, and i should not forgo, again i think how many more days left for me to do so, Life seems very confusing at times Is this only for me or to every one at this age? prior to retirement? its really a confusing stage, i wish i could come out of it soon. and have a stable life as in the days when i got the job in the begining.
" Hey I don't believe these so called praying people" I yelled at one of my friends, in the Phone. Then I laughed and she laughed, and I added, "see, these people would say that they would "pray". if I tell them any of my needs, instead of doing something for me, or helping me. So rather the other people are best for me, at least they try to help me in their own way, or give a piece of advice to me to meet the need of mine.Whereas the mere praying folks are ready to judge, and find the wrong motives for my life.They bite and devour me instead to love and help in a way that others will know we are His. When i had to go through the life's ups and downs and change the pattern of my life style, instead of talking about my motives and hurts, they started to accuse me and used to tell me that they were praying for me with a Holier than thou faces."
After all we did not take that short conversation, seriously, but we had lighter moments of laughter, and indulged into the things to do together etc.
But the way I said about the so called praying people is lingering in my thoughts, and ringing in my heart. Did I show myself very skeptic, and judgmental? These and many other thoughts were there unanswered , yet , I did not find time to ponder over them to pacify my grieving conscience. Today's ODB has its own way of speaking to my innermost soul, and touching the core of my heart. Thus giving me balm on the bruises of my life, wherein I was really hurt by the praying groups. Those only pray but never take pains to show their prayer in deeds.
Let me quote what I read in it: May 11/ 2010 Tuesday
Some group of the people that that they should change their jobs, in order to contact the non believers and win them for Christ. But they were harshly criticized by other so called praying people and strong christian groups. Many of them , even some who didn't personally knew them, were shocked and accused them of seeing fame and fortune in the world. But believing that Jesus came " to seek and to save that which was lost ( Luke:18:10) they decided to pursue what they considered an even greater opportunity to serve the " lost" in their community They said some Christians were so cruel to us, and wrote hateful e-mails. Our new non-christian friends were kinder to us than our fellow Christians. We didn't understand that, and were hurt deeply" Yes, only prayer is not suffice the human heart, Your encouragement, your helping hand, and your support, your tap on the shoulder is as important as the prayer. Take time to discuss the need, offer your suggestions, and help wherever it is needed and also you pray in your closet Once when i do not have the power generator, that is the Invertor i had power cut in the evening, it was about 9pm, only our house had not thepower and the trouble was on the electric pole, so i called one of our friends and told her, that i have my aunt as my guest at home. and i need an accommodation for that night in her home, as her house is very near and she got a guest room. Instead of offering the room, she said , "madam, sing the song ' Nadipinchu na naava and sleep" This is a song of the helpless, who cannot do anything in the storm of the sea except to rely on God" Funny how can people be so callous, and selfish, and speak of the God's help?
The other day i went to attend some Christian meetings, along with my friends couple, soon after the message was over the preacher just disappeared from the campus, he went away in limosa car along with his wife, and two children and some helpers, may be maids free of cost.
I did not heed this , and I did not give much importance to it But my friend was critical about this departure, she said, 'why this preacher is not giving time for the public, and allow them to talk to him' I said , "these people will crush him just as they did to Jagan," in fact my husband was in my mind. My husband, Yesuratnam, used to spend a lot of time with the people who came to listen to his message He used to come very late to eat his food, though he was sickly, he never gave importance to his life, or his health, he all ways used to tell me , "Leela, first 'others' next 'we' " His word and deed are the same, what he used to say , he used to live by it. ho, how many days i used to wamper over his negligence of his own health to give first preference to 'others'. Many a times even we family , i.e., me and children were put aside for the sake of others, to tend their needs, we had to forgo many little pleasures too, as he used to give his precious time and energy for others. So I thought its better for the preachers not to spend much time for others, when my friend commented about that particular preacher, that he is selfish not to give some time for others after his speach . There was a little bit difference of opinion in between us, but neither of us quit the ettiquett of imposing our opion on others, so that conversation was stopped then and there. But my mind often goes to that conversation and wondering what is right? whether to spend time with the audience after the message or just leave the place soon after the message ? Actually today is 8th of May but i opened the page of 8th of April of Our Daily Bread, today and read the Bible text and the meaning of it in that little book ODB. when i got answer to my thoughts in my mind i was so happy, then only i saw that i was supposed to read month of May portion, and i was dragging behind one month exactly, realizing my mistake, i understood that it was not by mistake, but by the coincidence of God's help I read that portion which answered my cosncience, correctly. Here i put down what i read in ODB . One person, wanted toknow what life was like for homeless people. so he went in disguise, and lived among them, once he attended a meeting where he was offered food and shelter if he listened to the message. after he listened to the preacher he wanted to shake hands with him to comment that the message was good for him But the preacher ignored him and went away within no time, hurriedly. Then this person realized that somehitng is missing in this ministry, that is building up relationship. st Paul, was right when he said, "we were well pleased to impart to you not only the gospelof God but also our own lives,because you have become dear to us IThess 2:8 When Paul sahred the gospel, he gave himself too. In our service to the Lord, do we share not just the words, or money,but our time and relationship?
This bit of information clarified my wavering thoughts about that preacher, and painful thoughts about the time my husband spent for others, despising his health. At any cost the preacher is supposed to spend time with the people, however good he may be in preaching. serving others by offering time and relationship is more important than any thing.
The otherday, i was thinking how come i could not make time for many things in life I was trying my level best, to do something, but i never could find time. I thought i was the only who could manage time, however sincerely i tried, I wonder why i could learn this most importatn aspect of life. I had been really disappointed with myself; I could do only 3 out of 10 things i wanted to do in a day, so i started to get up at 5am itself, but still i find something comes in between and the same old pattern of life of doing things late, and missing things to do. Often i feel that i am becoming very slow in moment and doing things, even picking up something from the floor takes me a lot of time, unlike before, moving from one room to another alos makes me take more time than before..My time is taken up in small little things which i used to do within no time in the past. With these and many other thoughts i opened my "Our Daily Bread" and i found these startling words there, Isnot this the way how God listens to the whispers of the heart even, and answers us? I thank God for His sweet voice, and for His concern for every thought of us Read the extract from the Our Dail Bread :
" Why is being on time is so challengingfor some of us? Even when we start early,something inevitably gets in our to make us late. Gal4;4 When the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son.
Jesus arrival during the Roman Empire (pax Romana ( The peace of Rome) was perfect timing The known world was united by one language of commerce A net work of global trade routes provieded open access to the whole world All of this guaranteed that the gospel could move rapidly in one tongue. No visad No impentrable borders Only unhindered access to help spread the news of the Saviour wwhose crucificion fulfilled the prophecy of the Lamb who would be slain for our sins ( Isa 53) in Gods perfect timing!
All of this should rmeind us that the Lord knows what time is best for us as well if you are waiting for answered prayer or the fullment of one of His promises, donot give up If you think He has forgotten you, think again When the fullness of times is right for you, He will show up--and you will be amazed by His brfilliant timing! Not ours to know the reason why Unanswered is our prayer, But ours to wait for God s own time To lift the cross we bear
Yesterday I was just sharing my views about my after life of the retirement, I said, "hey thereafter I will be no body, neither I would be known as w% or D% or as a lecturer, no designation, I will be known without any prefix or pro fix." Then they said, "oh once upon a time you were known as Rtn Leelavathi, that is Rotarian , now you will be known as Rtd. Leelavathi, that is Retired Leelavathi. "
We had a good laugh over that truth but the joke.
And today while I was reading my daily portion of the Bible and the Our Daily Bread, version, I was wonderfully comforted by my Lord, and now I am very happy to share what I learned to day.
And How God has wonderful ways of meeting our thoughts.
"We too grow old and wonder if the Lord can fullfil His promises to us. We no longer have prominence or status. Every day we seem to lose more of the things we have spent a life time acquiring. Robert Frost underscores something we sometimes ask ourselves, 'The question is.....what to make of a diminished thing.'
Not much , if we are left to ourselves. But God is able to do more with us than we can imagine. Is any thing too hard for the Lord?
Growing old but not retiring, For the battle is still on; Going on without relenting Till the final victory's won.
As God adds years to your life, ask Him to add life to your life
It so happened who was transferred to out town became my close friend, though she was 10 or 12 years elder to me. I was 21 years old that time. She was single , educated. I was bewitched by her mias my parents, and sisters were not coming to the church I became very lonely at home.
My conscience made me to ask forgiveness of my parents for many lies I spoke to them and for the rebellious nature I exhibited in those days. I told them I would not grieve them in such a way any more. I also tried to be in contact with my sisters, as I never had been very closer to them, in my childhood I used to have my own place in my home as an eldest one. So I started to teach them about the way of the Lord and pursued them to go with me to listen to the word of God.
Akka became my close friend, my kanthaunty and Kanthamma aunty all these people were much elder tome and I like to be with them. But she is different. She taught me many English songs. The first song she taught me was “ Amazing Grace” later she taught me many more songs. She introduced ‘ Our Daily Bread ‘ to me, and till now for all these 45 years these daily devotions became my spiritual food for me every day. She taught me how to dress up, how to talk and how to fast and pray. She never told me anything by word, I just observed her and alike dhte way she does things. I still remember, first time how she told me about fasting” Leela, today is Saturday, usually I fast and pray, what about you, do you fast?” I said, “ Oh my, I cant fast, if I fast I get pain in the chest”—so she prepared an omlette and gave me two slices of bread to eat. Everything she does was so beautiful . Her vessels in the kitchen were very small, her cooking was simple. She was simple, and neat.
Even her ear studs were so small, I was attracted by her “s simplicity” I said to her” can I call you Akka, you know I do not have any one who is elder to me in my life as akka,? She smiled sweetly and readily agreed to be called so.
She said why do not you stay with me to night? “”
As it is already ( p, you cannot go home in this darkness. I was willing to stay back. Any way dad used to go on camp for every week end, I thought I can learn of Bible from her more. I used to ask her all my doubts and she used to tell me everything in the Bible. She was the first one who taught me how to consecrate Sunday for His worship and prayer. She was so loving and friendly.
That night I spent with her, and the next day we both prayed together and went to church in the evening. My sisters came to the same prayer service and told me that dad was very angry with me for they do not know know what had happened to me.
There were no phones in those days. Then I realized how foolish I had been.
I was in my own world of happiness. I forgt the anxiety I created to minarets. I was so foolish. I was very much afraid also to think of the wrath of my dad once I go home. So I knelt down and asked the pardon of God first, “ lord please help me, I did a very wrong thing. I was so happy to stay with Akka and I forgot what trouble I created at home. Now dad is so angry, what shall I do lord, I am so afraid to go home”
That was my sincere prayer. Prayer was like talking to God, whatever in my heart, I used to tell him as it is, and He used to reply me immediately thru His word.
You know my eyes fell on these verses. Proverbs 15:1 “ A gentle answer turns away the wrath” Oh lord, my heart was still I got His sweet word and when I went home, dad was there in the hall, with angry eyes he shouted at me” where did you go last night?’
Then I did not understand His position much but as a parent now I know what it is to have a daughter like me. Oh
Sorry daddy, I was with akka praying, I will not do like that anymore without telling you any more hereafter. “ Strange, the eerie atmosphere calmed down. He had kept cool. My dad just trusted me, and I kept my word thereafter. This was how God started to intervene in our family matters and brought great discipline amongst us. Otherwise, I know , such simple incident would have brought great uproar in our family and I knew the wrath of my place Inspector dad. We were so scared of him, those days. My childhood affinity with him was all lost during the past few years, somehow he became a stranger to me. I abhorred his presence so much and I did not like his presence to talk to him or spend time with him.. Such was the strangled relationship between us. But Christ brought love into my heart once again. Love for family members, love for neighbors love for relatives and their salvation.
Once akka gave me a pair of small ear studs of gold to wear, when I said to her that they are so cute and beautiful we both went to worship service, that evening to preacher started to preach on the 10th commandment.” YOU SHALL NOT COVET” Exodus 20:17. He was speaking about small things that we desire to have which belong to our neighbors. He was speaking about how careful we should be with our eyes when we look at our neighbor’s belongings.
That struck me so much. Then and there I took away the ear studs I had on me, and soon after the message I gave them back to akka telling her” sorry’ she did not question me why I said sorry. She used to understand me very well.
We both used to go for shopping for marketing etc. The way she bargains when we go for shopping , the way she choose things was so charming for me. Because, my dad had authority in his voice. And when we both go out for shopping it was like riding on the horse for me. People were at our service, to please dad. And I never knew that we could bargaining in pleasant manner until I saw akka, mom never goes for shopping. I saw her purchase anything only at the door step.
So far two years she was with me I enjoyed her friendship so much. I used to share my dreams, my visions my hurts with her, even after the demise of my husband . She just shuns me off and never called me on phone to console me in my bereavement.
May be the Indian tradition of looking down at a widow influence her? I counted on her so much but she just vanished into blue thin air. The respect and love she showed after my marriage, all was stopped at once. She became a stranger to me that is all.
And now when I meet her, she is just one among the crowd. Strange! Life is mysterious. The long cherished relationships have no value at all in long run. Did I hurt her knowingly or unknowingly I did not know.
But one thing I knew, God brings people into my life, when I need them most; and after His missions is accomplished in my life , however I love them or attached to them , He would them just disappear from the screen of my life.
Nobody can understand the heart of a widow unless they go through of it. And God forbid it in their lives. I too was not able to understand the widow before, now God refined my heart and now I knew what life it is. So I do not have any ill feelings for her or people like her who insult me ignore me or hurt me. God brought me to this state and He knows what is happening in my life and He gives me strength to bear all that I go through. She was the one who introduced ISABEL Kuhn’s book By Faith” when she gave it to me , she asked me that the book was not hers so I have to read it and finish it in one day. I finished it in one night, the writer wrote in such a way, I liked her books so much and I read all her books later, In the Arena, Green Leaf in the draught time. Etc. She was the one who introduced many wonderful English biographies in my life. We both used to spend so much of time in prayer and sweet Christian fellowship. She was transferred to the place where I work after my marriage. She rejoiced seeing ho I encouraged my husband to preach and witness.
Just a numb feeling People come and people go. I have to live my life. I have to face my life with God’s help.
Pamela Thomas, and Nirupama in the university classes were great support tome. Nirupuma used to teach me so many Telugu songs. “Parama Jeevamu naaku nivva” was the first Telugu song she taught to me, which became my favourite song in my life. “ Cheekati Kaalamu vachchuchunde, Paravaasine ne Jagamna Orabhuvaand some other hebrone songsgave me great solace. Pameal presented “The Country I love best( The way of Salvation) by Oswald Smith which helped me a lot in my search for salvation Pamela a born Christian turned to Christ and surrendered her life to Christ once again those days.
Nirupama and I used to go a number of churches on Sunday morning. And on Monday evening I used to go to the worshiping place where shanthakka used to attend. I like this place because of shanthakka’s living example.
Once Nirupama and myself went to some prayer meeting where the preacher was explaining the way of salvation on the board. He wrote Faith+Baptisim = Salvation I asked him what about “ Repentance” he does not have an answered for it. W went tone ladies group who claimed that they were possessed by Holy Spirit and talk in tongues. I tried my level best by imitating them One of the ladies proclaimed that I got the Holy Spirit. I said, No, I did not , I am just imitating the way you are speaking tongues. Disappoint we returned back. We went to some Healing meetings, where the preacher , when I asked him to pray for salvation, he pushed me down on the floor and did not allow me to get up and started tossing” There is power in the Blood. Of Jesus. And when I was shocked by the way He pretended that he was joyful and said smile sister nothing happened, I did not know what to do, so I smiled. And then they let me go. I was asking every Christian whether they re reborn, turn back .or about turn experience. They used to answerer indifferent ways which never satisfied me. Once we both went to a professor to get two text books for the exam. I asked him “sir do you have the experience of rebirth? What about the Turn back experience??” He smile and said that he never committed any mistakes in his life , only when he was a child he brought a toy duck from a neibhoursls house but he realized that it was a wrong thing he did ,he returned it back.
At that moment I could not control myself, I started to weep bitterly, both Nirupama and sir were confused and asked me why I was crying? I said,’ you were born as a Christian and you lived good life, but whereas I was not, I come to know of Jesus Christ only now, “I could not complete the sentence, and no body could stop me from crying.
Whole night I wept, asking god to forgive me and give me an assurance of salvation—
In those days the boys in the university started to tease me because the girls with me stopped to talk to them. One day they just followed me from the bus top on my way home. I was walking like I was running, but they were after me speaking vulgar language. I did not heed them but as I turned into he Police compounds as our bungalow was inside, I did not hear their voices. Not knowing that they stopped to follow me, because it was police campus, I just ran into our house and into my room and closed the doors and prayed to God telling him that I was so afraid. I was not a timid girl previously, I never cared about any one before, nor was I afraid of anyone before. But this time I felt that I should not fight with them but I would rather depend on God.
When I opened my bible these verses were in front of me giving me great courage, and these verses gave mea sort of personality thought out my studies in the university. II Timothy 2:3 Endure hardship like a good soldier of Christ Jesus.
“A soldier!! Oh I never saw my father being afraid, as he was a police officer. God was telling me to live like a soldier... never be afraid of anything. This verse helped me during all my field trips. I was the only girl and the rest were the boys in our specialilization Criminology and correctional administration and I never was afraid of anything.
Once a group of boys wanted to insult me and quarreled with me in case of a girl. Because that girl stopped to be friendly with one of the boys of that group and started to attend prayers along with me I came to know of this only the previous day. I prayed much and asked God to put proper words into my mouth when I am confronted by the boys. That particular day God gave me wonderful promise like this” You will be protected by the from the lash of tongue, and need not fear whom destruction comes Job 5:21, 23 for you will have a covenant with the stones of the field and the wild animals will be at peace with you.
The next day the group of the boys was down at the corridor of my class, the president Ravi, the leader of the gang came up to my class and called me out and questioned me why I am stopping that particular friend from being friendly with that particular boy.
I talked to ravi very politely and I do not remember what I talked to him exactly but he was completely pacified and went away and talked to the 30 boys and sent them away.
Later I came to know a bout this. The Lord God was protecting me overlapping me with His presence. Nobody dared to tease me or approach me for I was seeking His presence all the way through.
There was a temptation, somehow our boys and my friends in the class got some questions of the examination and they used to study only those questions for the exam. And therefore they need to get good marks, wherease, I was studying whole syllabus by overcoming the temptation of knowing their questions from my friends, therefore I got less marks than them. But god has exalted me by giving the job in my life. I was the first one in our batch who got job and settled in life.
In those days when I was doing block placement my dad wrote a letter to me requesting me to pray for his promotion. I knelt and prayed and I got a promise for him like this Psalm 756 No one from the East or, the West or from the desert can exalt a man. But it is God who judges, He brings one down, he exalts another.”
Therefore I wrote this promise to my dad and consoled him that he would certainly get his promotion and no body, as he feared, some would stop that promotion. Then my father started to believe in prayer as exactly as in the above promise, my father promotion was give by God even though many outsiders were created by some emotions people.
So also in the care of the Bungalow he wanted to occupy some other officer tried to take it by higher influence and recommendation. Just then my daddy asked them to pray and I prayed and God gave me a verse as promise. And exactly in the same way the chits were taken and the name of my picked up for that bungalow and the dispute was nullified
Ref:
Thus Gods promise was my guide and His word was the lamp to my feet.
I used to keep a small note book and pencil beside my pillow, under the mosquito net wherein I was sleeping in that winter season. My room was big and in one corner of the room there was my big writing table and chair, near was my book self. There were two doors to my room; one leads to the big corridor and another into the hall. I closed that door which leads to the corridor. On the writing table I kept one big portrait of Jesus of yesteryears, and my Bible. I had an attached back room, and another bookshelf opportunity to my bed. BY 7 pm I used to close my doors and pray for an hour or so and used to close my doors and pray for an hour or so and used to study till midnight. And just before retiring to bed I used to read Bible sometimes. Those were the references from the Bible I had an attached bath room and another bookshelf opposite to my bed. By 7 pm I used to close my doors and pray for an hour or so and used to study till midnight. And just before retiring to bed I used to read Bible and was go to bed, God used to speak to me in my dreams sometimes. I used to be very happy whenever ig et answers to my prayers thru His owrd. Some times I used to get the reference of the Text from the Bible. I was very much conscious of those dreams, and therefore I used to keep a note book and a pencil to scribble those references `Once I saw a beautiful Bible with golden Bi edge papers and on one of the inside pages I happened to see a reference of word of God written in Beautiful handwriting in Green ink. I was Isaiah 5:7 Early in the morning to first Thing they did was opening the Bible and reading that references. Oh it was wonderful to walk with God. The verse was as follows. “With it (a live coal, taken from with tongs from alters) he touched my mouth and said, “see this has touched your lips your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for”—That were a joyous day for me. I walked with Jesus and it was beautiful.
And on the other day---I spent my day mostly in the university along with my classmates. We all went to the beach. I felt we tarried there more than needed. I felt somehow I missed that beautiful fellowship that bound me with my Lord. Anyway He only told metro be happy in my life then why this sullen mood to me? With this question still in my mind I searched the Holy Scriptures for an answered and I found an answered all in a sudden, ECC 7:2 “Like the crackling of thorns under the pot, so is the laughter of the fools.” I was not happy with that answered. Oh I was young and happy girl, can’t I be happier in the company of my friends, giggling all that? That night I got a verse in my sleep and I scribbled in on my little note book. It was Psalm 2:`` Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling” When read it in the morning I found the e real meaning of rejoicing. In those days I was very slim and I was very weak too and used to be very miserable without any stamina at all. Once I asked the Lord, “Lord you give health to your children. I am so weak and tired always. I feel miserable. Please give me good health.” That day God showed me this verse “Those who rejoice in the Lord their strength shall be renewed. (Ref----) There was a great burden for me for my beloved Kanthanty for her salvation and also for her family. I was waiting letters to her explaining her the way of salvation, My uncle was very angry with me and once he replied me like then” Leela, you are writing about Jesus Christ and Bible in your letters .Remember that I was born as a Hindu and I live and die as a Hindu. Hereafter if you write any more letters of this sort, you have to face the consequences which you cannot imagine _bye uncle. When I read that letter I was shocked. This uncle I loved him very much. There was a great bondage between us. Every summer since my 9th year, I used to go and spend my holidays in his home. He taught me how to draw with pencil. He taught me anything sitting near by. He treated me as his eldest child giving me first preference in all things. Such uncle wrote to me such a threading heart wrenching letter. I t pricked my heart. Not knowing what to do with that letter I wanted to give a sharp answered describing how great is Jesus Christ and His love. Not knowing what to do with that letter, I just opened the Bible at random, and it was opened at II Kings 19:14 “Hezekiah received the letter from the messenger and reread it. Then he went up to the temple of the Lord and spread it out before the Lord. And Hezekiah prayed to the Lord. “ Oh Lord that was great guidance for me. So immediately. I spread that letter on my writing table in front of the portrait of Jesus which I told you before and I prayed, yes I prayed. And in the prayer I asked the Lord what answer should I write to my uncle. Oh the wondrous Lord opened my eyes on the verse in the Bible I King 18: Thirty six.36 Remain silent. Do not answer him and say nothing tin reply.”
All this happened within 5 minutes of time period. As I could not uderstand with my human knowledge. I started to pray vehemently for my uncle and his family. Later my uncle, aunty and 4 children turned to the Lord. Uncle took baptism and became Christian and died as a Christian. All that happened after 15 years after I received that letter from him... all those years I waited on the Lord, and prayed, god is the sovereign Lord who rules the human lives. When we pray unceasingly for a should to be saved He would answered definitely.
The presence of God was so near. One day I happened to observe a small spider while it is weaving its web. Suddenly a small fly was entangled in the web. However it tried it could not come out of it. It was struggling to come out and just then the spider come to the fly very fast. It started to prick it number of times, slowly and steadily until, the fly stopped to struggling to get free, and it became still, as if in unconscious stage. At this moment the spider slowly approached it and started to suck the blood drop by drop .of the fly. Oh!! When I watched this spectacular phenomena I realized how cunning the luring of Satan is. What type of traps it would set in our lives all through, at every step of our lives. This lesson helped me a lot to watch out such traps in my university life.
Once I was traveling in a bus, an hour before there was great rain and the bus stopped at a bus halt. Was looking out the widow and saw fresh water was flowing down me into the lower part of the road. And pooled into small ditches there. I understood that Gods living water would flow and fill only the hearts who keep themselves in low spirit. Who are meek, humble and low? And I determined to keep myself in low profile always, in order to enjoy His living water in me. Another time I was traveling from Bombay towards pune. On the way it so happened I could se Lona wala, a hill station, and this beautiful place filled with mountains and valleys and water falls. The weather was so cool and rainy, I can’t but sing the song “Oh Lord my God when I in awesome wonder,” I could never get such joy as I would enjoy the nature.
When I went to ooty, I could enjoy every minute of my stay over there. The trees, birds, flowers, green meadows, clouds, and woods. Such joy I would never get anywhere else in my life. How I wish one day I live in such fresh country side, enjoying the presence of God in every drop of rain, and in every wave of mist. My soul refreshes in such beautiful places – sea is my passion. I Love to spend hours together at the sea. In Des Moines, Iowa I enjoyed the snow, the birds, the chipmunks; every morning of my stay over there brought me wonderful mercies of God anew. In my long walks through the meadows among the trees, while the geese flying over my head I felt, this the life, just I needed. I live, 100% in such surroundings. I pray God to give me such surrounding in my last days of life to live and then die.
I am longing for ha beautiful world to welcome me when I close the eyes in this temporary dwelling here in this world.
I have a dream , a song to sing To help me cope with anything. If you see the wonder of a fairy tale You can take the future even if you fail.
I believe in angels, something good in everything i see I believe in angels When i know the time sis right for me I'll cross the stream I have a dream.
I have a dream a fantasy To help me through reality and my destination Makes it worth the while Pushing through the darkness STILL ANOTHER MILE!
I believe in angels something good in everything i see ....when i know the time is right for me I will cross the stream .......I have a dream
Those were the days the Lord has been very closer to me. Talking to Him and getting answers from Hi was just like opening the door and be with Him face to face. All that I need to do was just tell Him how I felt. I used to get answers from Him in sundry manner. When I would get the answer I was not known. But I knew that I would get answer from Him and when I get it, I know for sure that the answer was from Him and it used to be clear and straight to my heart. When I get answer from Him it was amazing. It was beautiful and it was very clear. But I used to get those answers in an unusual manner. Now I perceive and try to understand such simple faith, just believing that He would answer in His own time when we tell Him is all that matter, and is needed. And answers are sometimes so faraway intimate, just as if He was also feeling just as we do. I think loneliness is the most hated thing in my life, even in those days. Though I know how to fill my hours in day or in night, I always needed someone, just be there. If I do not have that ' someone' in my life I feel very depressed, I remember how I used to spend those lonely days with that some one who was nearer than my heart. I used to pray day and night, every minute I used to communicate with Him, He was my constant companion, a bosom friend, and I used to share all my feelings, ideas and thoughts and plans for life with Him. Talking to Him was just a normal thing, I used to sing for Him listen to Him by reading the Holy Scriptures to my hearts content, and sleep in His arms, when I get up in the morning He was the first one to remember and talk to, when I retire in the night He was the last one to take leave, so life was beautiful with this Some One beside me, because He was the one who listens to all my thoughts … Here is a simple incident to know and assert how keenly He was listening to my whispers even and I was happy for that to know that How nearer He was to me…..!
One day it was raining cats and dogs outside, my parents and sisters were sleeping, it was past 1am in the night , suddenly I felt I was alone and very lonely … I thought I was like a little shivering bird in the rainy dark night. Just then, as if His Holy spirit touched my feelings, a smooth gush of wind just changed the pages of the Bible I was reading and as if to stop the pages, I just touched it and I saw the fowling verse right in front of me (Ref: :lonely sparrow
Photo of a sparrow
`I was reading it with wide eyes, and just then through the open wind one small drenched sparrow flew into my room and sat on the log up in the ceiling of my room. We were staying in an old Bungalow with tiles constructed by Britishers. I t was a old strong bungalow and when I saw that little sparrow just on top of my head shivering all alone, oh, I felt awestricken by His presence. I was amazed and stared and stared at the sparrow I lied dove on the mat when I was reading my bible and was gazing at the sparrow and I don’t remember when I my eye lids closed and slipped into deep slumber. It was life I was sleeping in His arms and in His lap. His cozy comforting presence was seen near. I was thoroughly repressed with that.
`Those were the days I was asking the e Lord to speak to me through His word that He has forgiven of all my misgivings so far I had committed I was a proud girl and short tempered. I had a row with same people I never was afraid of anyone and did not care any one. The first thing God conveyed me that I need to go to those people and reconcile with them. In order to have His forgiveness I need to forgive them all. His instructions was so clear, that unless I set right things with my foes I need not sit and pray to Him any more..(Ref:
I started to humble in the presence of God. I started to reconcile with the people with whom I had a row. I started to pray for them kneeling down telling God how I felt for them. And started to be friendly with them after set right with them.
When I started to change my life in this way and seeking His forgiveness, I found these words in the Bible are heart touching, piercing my very marrow of the bones. When He talks through His word its just cuts me deep and give me great and deep solace. This verse Ref: “Salvation is a gift of God was something that gave me a great Hope. Yes, it’s a gift and gift to be taken, has to be accepted with grateful heart and open arms. I accepted it. But still my faith was weak. This gift is for all, as Jesus knows me by my name how about if He tells me that He has forgiven me, my very personal inequities, follies, I kept on searching the scriptures, reading them prayerfully and meditating on it and waiting upon Him to touch me. His touch has special healing. That heals the bleeding heart of mine. Only He and me knows that, how it works.
The particular night charged my direction in life. That particular verse gave me great confidence in my life. Now that verse made me to trust that I am child of God hereafter. And I am forgiven, and my past 20 years of life will never have its shadow on my future.
Colossians 2: 13- 14 When you were dead in your sins and in your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having cancelled the written code with its regulations that was against us ( you) and that stand opposed to us(you) , he took it away, nailing it to the cross.”
That was great promise- which was the foundation of my faith that gives me an assurance that hereafter I am the child of God and that He is my Father and that Devil has no power over me. That was the assurance for me, as I am washed in His blood, I will see Him face to face when I breathe my last on this earthly journey. That was the belief I gained that Devil can never sneer at me or snatch me from the fold of His grace.
His blood, His cross made a miracle erasing all my guilty consciousness, all my inquiries, all my follies. He died and nailed on the cross instead of me with my sins on my face. A new beginning started in my life. He not only touched my soul, my feelings, my heart, even my body started to bloom with good health. I started to love my parents very much. I want them to enjoy this precious love of God. I was so afraid, whether they would be lost without knowing Him. My agony for them knew no bound. I was praying for them. My soul could be consoled for the way I wept for them.
This burden for the lost souls was a gift from Him. As this anguishes for their souls was unquenchable, He consoled me through a vision one day. I was half awake and I saw myself on the deck of a silver color ship. I was in the audience listening carefully, the word of God being proclaimed by a preacher. Suddenly I heard a shout in the clouds of the sky, “Second Coming of Jesus, Get ready to meet Him”. All were running hither and thither in a frantic way and trying to hide themselves. I was crying loudly and praying to God, “Oh God, save my parents, do not leave them, save my parents.” Then I saw in the sky a very big Wooden Clock. I heard some one telling me that it was not ordinary clock but its God’s clock. It has two hands, but they are not moving by themselves as in our clocks. This clock has two plates one upon the other which was made up of the wood. The outer plate has a hand and the inner plate has a hand. The outer plate and the inner plate were moving. Systematically. The outer plate and inner plate were moving simultaneously. And I saw the two hands were stopped at the number 11. Both hands showing 11 on the clock. I heard a great loud voice, which was telling me that “Our God’s time has still more 5 minutes to go, in that period both your parents would be save. Do not be panic. Wait in the Lord!
Can you imagine how greatly I was consoled? It’s beyond description. But one thing I knew was what God told me will be done in due course His time and need to wait and see. . That’s all. What a great God we have! What a loving Father we have! He gives us pain and agony in our heart for our beloved ones. So that we can experience His love! Oh let our souls are sensitive to His directions at every turn of ourselves. And there was one more mysterious vision which depicted my future life, and the temptations I would face and a way to escape it too.
There was that blue sky behind a whither tall tree. On its branches sat a number of crows. I was wondering why the crow were sitting so silently. At once all of them were crowing loudly and left place. Then I saw that blue sky was ripped and there was scenery wherein the most handsome men were walking with shameful faces and like women. This scene was vanished and I saw women of variety dresses walking without fear, then I saw women with some religious dresses. Posing them as of very pure and great personality. Then a great wind blew on them, and they cast all their coverings on their heads, and they felt ashamed because they lost their hair also, they were hiding their faces and shouting “shame shame” When opened my eyes, I knew that was from the Lord, He was trying to teach me and something. He was also showing me my future where I would be put in great temptation of false show off. I realized life with Gout God is shame Religious would not save me. Sects would no hold me God wants a pure, devoted heart. Pure and committed worship. Not out ward appearances. That was a great eye open for me. His benevolent Touch has a meaning in life His touch has sundry ways for different people.
As I am getting older and older , though people say that I look younger and younger as years passes by, I feel a sort of loneliness surpassing me, suppressing me and overwhelming me and engulfing me..
Oh… where are all those people with whom I spent hours together, where are all those people who looked up at me, where are all those people who waited for a piece of advice, suggestion from me, where are all these people who depended on me all those people who waited for a piece of advice, suggestion from me, where are all those people who depended on me for my emotional, financial, physical support..?
Where are all those people who sought for my friendship, companionship and partnership..?
What happened to all those hours of my being so busy with lots of work to attend, lots of things to do, lots of things to organize…..
OH… where are those days, I hardly had time relax; sit quickly for awhile, desperately needing time to stretch my self for a couple of hours?
In those days I hardly had time to have a luxurious bath, relaxed moments of dinner time, a little time to sit and chit chat with any one not even with my own children... time was precious, too busy to eat or to talk... or to sleep or to attend personal needs or personal care.
But now I have plenty of time …those were the days could not have time and I was working hard to manage the time now I just kill the time... wondering how to pass on the time, not how to spend the time fruitfully….That is not the question at all, because there is nothing to do, to spend the time.
OH... Wow, I used to cook different dishes for the family, one cookery book in left hand and long spoon in another hand to mix the gruel or whatever in the dish on the stove. I used to tailored frocks for my daughter, and sew many sundry items at home, knit the winter clothes for the family and for the needy, and this was apart from daily course of cooking , cleaning and taking care of husband , children, and guests.
The house was full all the time with people who used to come for some help, counseling was part of our lives, prayer support, emotional support, and financial help, in one way or the other was our daily course of life. I hardly find time to sit quietly for a minute—I was so busy running hither and thither, contrary to today’s life where I get up leisurely without any one pestering me to hurry up to do something for them, or I need to attend any one,; I take tea leisurely in the back yard where I have small tea poi and sitting comfortably in a plastic chair with tea daily paper in the hand Thank God I need not go inside to get my reading glasses as the, day light is suffice for me to read the paper, later I clean the rooms and outside, , then I wash the dishes read and say my prayers, watch the regional news, prepare some light breakfast have another cup of team meanwhile if time permits chit chat with the neighbors over the small parapet wall, exchange pleasantries or owes of daily course etc- and attend some petty calls on the mobile which are most unimportant , dress up and leave for college. One of our neighbors told me that she always admires me for my stamina, strength and courage. Those neighbors see me how I said “We must or hard at home sweep and do all the mundane things and also drive my own car and do all my work all by myself.
For them I am a challenge, a courageous lady, another one said “we knew you what you were before and what you are now and we admire you very much.
And another colleague said “we must learn from you how to enjoy life and mange things beautifully.”
That type of comments rather compliments give me boost to my lonely soul. The other day while I was traveling all alone in Rathnachal express, solid 6bhours of journey, I felt how lonely I had been, no friend to chit chat, not even on mobile, no friend to laugh with or dine with, hey, this life should not be like this “IF” only my husband is alive “WE” both would have traveled together, we would have talked, and shared our thoughts, smiled at each other ( Oh , I wonder ever I had smiled at him during those journeys we had had when he was alive—oh no…. he used to had a grim face with all the burden of details of journey responsibilities on his shoulder, and children used to sit quietly with a book in their hands and I used to engrossed in my own thoughts or used to pretend sleep as if I was very much tired hahaha…haa)
Well, whatever, companion is companion, after so many years of experience and marital life and so many good things that had had happened my husband might have had changed a lot would not he…? Hey, in fact that last trip of our family Nagarjuna Sagar was quiet a difficult one. He himself bought a cup of tea for me in the bus stand which was very unlike of him, in fact I used to be afraid of getting a cup of tea in front of him, that too in journeys, because he never liked the idea of me taking tea or coffee frequently, and he was very particular that I should not drink outside because of hygienic reason whatever—and it was a pleasant surprise for me when he approached me with a cup of tea after a long tiresome journey and I still remember how thankful I was for him for that little gesture of kindness – I still remember him walking through the bus stand platform and the walking through the bus stand platform and the place I sat at the window of the bus, and the surprise and gratefulness I felt in my heart at that juncture.
Oh those were the golden, innocent contented days of sweet marital life...-------
Me, my dear husband for whom I had much regard love and devotion, my sweet little children for whom I felt strong attachment responsibility and loving bondage—I was feeling full responsibility for those well being, these three people in my life were all that matter.. I need them as much as they need me I used to take care of their health, academics, character, and discipline, oh, I possess them they are mine and mine alone, and I was responsible for everything in their lives.
I used to pray for every detail of their lives, so that God’s protection, blessings would shower on them, Oh Yes, I used to whisper a prayer every other minute for them... their victories were mine, their failures were mine too... I used to take everything personally, when they were sick it was my body which suffered much more them they were--- I was sensitive, cautious, friendly, bossy and tried to be loving mother and wife No body dare to touch my ‘ trio’ or speak all of them Nobody could belittle them, I was around them.
Well, that may be the reason after the demise of my life partner, my husband. I could not bear to look down at my children, even I did not like the so called’ praying people” come and pray saying” these fatherless children, Lord, take care of them “this widow (that is ‘me’) (a woman helpless because she does not have husband) take care of her”---I just could not bear these words. Oh if they have that much of kindness for us let them pray for us at their homes, not in front of me! My children it doesn’t matter if they do not have earthly father, they have Heavenly Gather who is much stronger than their mortal father, and they have “ME” a ‘mother’ who would give and do anything for their sake—then and there I had determined... I would never allow my children feel helpless just because they lost their father , yes, that was fulfilled for some extent in the words o my own children” we never felt the dearth of fathers love even after his demise, we never felt that we are helpless just because dad is not there , we never had been orphaned. This was spoken directly or indirectly, verbally and none verbally by my children quiet often.
And I am proud of them too for they made my efforts easier to carry on by their own strength and confidence and positive outlook.
Their stay abroad made them to think and behave quiet well, self sufficient, hard working and well disciplined. Often I coaxed them that I am, by the grace of God able to take care of them as prince and princess if they prefer to stay with me) (one secret here, I like that eagle destroying the nest of the good of its eaglets, many a times) It was my favorite text of mine once my children finished their studies of course)
But they preferred to go and go on and face the hurdles of life and face all the dangers of life to learn the lessons of life rather than to be pampered as lazy prince and princess at home. May have questions me why I did not keep one of them with me Hey that was not the way I brought them up, for my selfish reasons I cannot be a hurdle of their growth, freedom and better future plans. Life has so much to give to them and I can not make them to depend on me, thought I shed tears in my empty nest, self pitying over my lonely life, yet I can not be a selfish mother asking them to stay with me for my personal, selfish ambitions of having family, on the other hand just by their stay with me or my stay with them would never crate a family as such as in the past life of mine.
Oh course, my lord has take my dear husband and He Himself arranged the marriage of my daughter (my Father in heaven He Himself revealed this) was the promise given for the daughters wedding and He was given opportunity strength and courage to my son to venture new things in life
When things happen, by him so beautifully why should I intervene in between and spoil this beautiful design of my life!!
Oh yes, while writing this article filling these pages with my innermost feelings I am relieved, relaxed. I started this article with heavy heart and in the middle of it I started to flow unceasingly, and now at the end of the pages I feel light hearted, thankful to my Lord God, and happily all together.
Hey it does not mean that this mind of mine is permanent and that I got permanent wisdom oh never, it’s only a phase, a stage of life its not static theory – oh not at all, its today’s “manna” 0 its today’s “solace” comfort and strength.
Tomorrow I need His special grace again in different mode or in the same way as of today.
My life , my thoughts, my disposition is not static as some may proclaim, I am like running stream, my heart flows, my life runs my thoughts wish, my ideas jump, and me would emerge differently every day, and I think God for such life, For the gift of the life because its “me” not like to others I am unique and I am a ‘person’ and thereby He loves me as I am, quiet different from others, I thank God for everything today!!
i believe people on face value, but when i come to know that they are quiet different behind me and talk nonsense, i wonder these are the people whom i trusted and respected? wow i must be a stupid to trust them and take them into my confidence, oh why i could not be more prudent and intelligent in understanding human relations? After all these years of practicing my theoretical knowledge of human relations, teaching and working for them , i understand that i am still a babe in analyzing human mentality, and the hidden agenda of human brain, How many times i am betrayed , those people whom i trusted to be my friends, when they talk of me ill behind me and when i come toknow of that prattle, i am hurt and deeply wounded, often i think that i should take that lightly and never should take care of the words spoken behind, but still i am not able to master this good quality to be imbibed in my personality m Opposite to my nature i see my children live quiet beyond this nasty world, they never bother about the people who give much pain in the heart, they have a few buch of good friends whom they know since ages, and constrain themselves to their little families and maintain light and good relationships which are more periphery than complicated and twisted. yes i know i have to learn many things from the younger generations especailly my children about whom i feel proud of often, less complicated and plain and frank and trustworthy, oh God i thnk you for them
well as life goes on and on, I am tempted to think about my future as I never did before, it may be because of the coming summer holidays, and then my retirement date ahead, very soon. wow going to complete 58 years soon, and 34 years of service in this blessed college, Once upon a time I used to wait for the holidays, and used to spend them as busy as the bee, finding myself so tired and dis helved all together, instead of being refreshed, later after my nest is left empty, I found the holidays as an opportunity to visit relatives see the beautiful sites, and enjoy my youthful hobby of traveling, but now even one day holiday makes me shiver in heart, after completing the daily course like cleaning and washing and sweeping, ( these are the things i do myself now a days, as i need to give some mild exercise to my limbs and shoulders , u know..) i find the day is dragging still and i have nothing to do... except killing the minutes and hours all together. Once upon a time i used to look at the day to use it fruitfully, and at the end of the day i used to review the day and count how blessfully or usefully i spent. But now a days i look at the day and fear in the heart what i have to do the whole day, how to kill the time ahead. i used to have friends who were much older to me , like Rehman, Swarnakamala, and Kanth aunty etc, but now as they are grown much older , their problems are far beyond my capacity, and friends like me who are alone or none, and the friends who are younger to me are busy with their families and relatives and festivals, and there is none to visit me or me to visit them... Only my mom as dad used to do waiting for me, to see me , and exchange beauties fo life , but to see her also i have to travel 8 hours to and fro which makes me very tired unlike ester years, wow , life changes ...for some years we are the architects of our lives, we plan and organize our lives and feel satisfaction when we achieve something which we cherish , and some years we just roll in , because the life we organized is so fixed and we have to be fit in all the time, to lead a life of contentment, then comes these years, nothing to do , nothing certain, nothing to achieve, ohh especially women in India, of my age, they are left alone and perish or look after the others needs, whether we have strength or not, we have to pose ourselves with full vigour and stamina, otherwise we are considered useless and a rag to be thrown out by the society..may be to the Old age home, well I am waiting to see what is hidden for me in the future, i wish some body who reads this give me some suggestions on how well i could use the days ahead, i have administrative abilities i think, so let me know how well i can make use of my future life or should i just sit in my home and spend my days ... enjoying of eating and seeing tv and reading and praying etc??let me know, please comment and give suggestions.....
