My thoughts running fast, i like to put them on line often, but there have been many hurdles to overcome, specially those of physiological , get the accessibility of lap top is too is one of the many reasons now a days, my climbing up and down the stairs makes my thoughts to flew away by the time i reach to my lap top.
Does not matter here I am as usual to be alone with myself. This is the most wonderful thing to be alone, though I lately realized . My mind used to enjoy this loneliness so very much when i was not married, later i adapted to myself to hover over my family nest all ways caring for the needs of husband and children, and thereby i lost all the taste of loneliness for all most 22 years of my life.
But once I realized i had to live alone when my empty nest was mocking at me, i was humiliated without any unknown reasons. I was scared to be alone.I sought for the company of people , i tried and tried and i was tired . I tried all means and ways to get hold of the lost strained strands of life threads once again in those most familiar ways of mine which were proved to be useless , nonsense and in vain.
This fear of loneliness engrossed me so much , that i scared to be of myself in day time. Nights were too in a way stressing upon me so very much, I tried to be awake for long hours of the sleep time , doing something which i did never care.
I sought for jolly get together s hoping to kill the time some how, but at the end i feel more disgusted than be happier. I tried the books that never gave me interest, but found they were useless stuff which would never quench my soul. I tried to travel to different places, but found those trips of loneliness made me to cry more than ever to express.Tried to spend time in reading , made me realized that I could not concentrate on those pages more than a minute. I wondered were these the same books I relinquished so much for all those years since I had been converted to Christianity. What happened to my taste of the brain, why all in a sudden I found myself all together in a new frame of life. Which is just opposite to my adapted life for so many years of my youth.
These and many other queries of my life do not have answers of any sort. I felt I was betrayed all together. If the life could be changed so drastically , the likes and dislikes , habits and social life could be so different from one phase of life to other phase of life, I questioned myself what is the true self of mine.
I saw some people like my mother, she was , she is and she will be the same . There is not even an iota of change in her life. The same good personality sustained her all through. The words she speaks are the same, I did not see any mood swings in her, she is a rock, rock star? lol. may be so. No notable changes at all in her personality. I know there would be many more of her sort in this world, who would not opt for any change in life. They are self content ed, or docile ? I do not know. As long they do not bring any disaster in other lives they are the most respected human beings, I must say.
But for me change is the unwritten way of my life. I crave for change, sought for change till I am left alone at the age of 48 years. I tried to not to bring much changes in my life for some more years , say 4 or 5 ? May be so. But later The life seems to be more rusted, and immobile.
But though as it had been, no change occurred in my life. Only sighs and trails made me to take more revenge on myself, still not knowing what I really need to do.
Now when I am approaching my 61 birthday, I feel I am at REST. Great, wisdom comes to the fools very lately. Here I am the most foolish one of all, who found out at last life is after all a lonely track, then why not love this track and enjoy in it.
Oh my soul why are you so depressed, Trust in your Lord God is the cry of King David.
Oh my soul why you are so frustrated, Lean on your Lord God was the suggestion of King David. How much I do love this man of God. His prayers are the most cherished ones for me, They teach me how to pray on different occasions of life. These are the prayers said by a human being like King David, in The Holy Scriptures of Divine.
If only I could fly away to the top of the roof and sit like a sparrow and enjoy the beautiful loneliness , enjoying every minute of life. Oh why not I will try and try till I adapt to this well known path of life .
I lie awake ; I am like a lonely sparrow on the housetop. psalms 102:7
why are you cast down, o my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me/ hope in god; ...Psalms 42:5
