I wonder how human mind plays tricks, in the same way in everybody's life.
Only difference is some people recognize them, and some do not.
here are some of my long lost desires which pester me so much .. all my life.
* I love to learn Hindi. for this I need to go to Delhi and stay some time with my friend Dr. Shanthi
* I want to see Rome and Jerusalem, Egypt which I promised my self when I was selected as an AirHostess in Air India, long long back.
* I want to learn peona since i Observed my teachers Miss. Virginia, and
Miss Helen, and Miss Fiche Thorn, our English Teacher from USA, used to play in our school auditorium, of Stall Girls High school at Guntur.
* I want to write a book and publish it. For which I started to write and publish AMMA VODI but stopped lately, for no reason. Only one reason was , instead of writing and publishing it every month, I thought of doing it in volume and finish it, which i could not do till now.
*Want to go hospitals and orphanages and render service to them with my hands rather than by giving money and forget about them.
* To attain doctorate in any interesting subject, may be in scriptures..?
Will I be ever could achieve these things
oh it seems like an unreachable goals in my life as I am going to complete 59 years this month, and I feel I am old and can not have that much of energy to do anything.
For years I'd wished to do these things... but I could never make the practical justification for doing them.
oh What was I going to do with these things at this age?
but why must everything always have a practical application? I'd been such a diligent soldier for years-- working, producing, never missing a dead line, taking care of my loved ones, my family, conducting election booths as presiding officer, etc., Is this lifetime supposed to be only about duty? Still I am doing my duties even now at this age, as Baby sitter to the children of my daughter here in Virginia, nothing brought me here to spend my precious 5 months of my last years on this earth, except that my duty towards my daughter drawn me here and complete my duty for her and her children whole wholeheartedly God willing.
In this dark period of loss, did I have any Thrill for learning Hindi other than that it was the only thing I could imagine bringing me any pleasure right now?
It's not like I was saying,at the age of 59," I want to become the principal for the great public school in New Delhi. " Studying a language is something you can actually do. . My children think that this desire of mine is hilarious. Did they not think that I am good for nothing, and could never learn driving a car or own a car all by myself? Well they may not have confidence in me , but I do have.. and I am gonna strive for it. Because I love it.Every word was a singing sparrow, a magic trick, a truffle for me. The words made me laugh in delight. I love this language since my teen age, I saw a number of Hindi films , sang number of Hindi songs, but never could carry on a conversation, though I can read Hindi sentences, and write the language.
umm this should be my next venture when I go home in the year 2012.God willing.
May be I would move to New Delhi and stay with that loving family of my friend Dr. Shanthi for a while.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Extracts--- the voice of God
This sort of experience I had had many a times, when I cried for the faith in Him, and when Prayed for the deepest desires of mine, poured out in His presence. Its not once but many times,
The words I took as an extract from this beautiful book do depict my experience in wonderful way. so here it is recorded once again.
"And so the prayer narrowed itself down to that simple entreaty---Please tell me what to do--- repeated again and again. I do not know how many times I begged. I only know that I begged like someone who was pleading for her life. And the crying went on forever.
Until--quite abruptly---it stopped.
It so happened when I prayed when my husband died, He answered.
When I prayed for my son when he fall down in ditch, He answered.
when I cried for a baby in my womb with tears, He answered me.
When i was taunted being a widow, and I cried at His feet , He answered me.
Not one time, many times I had this experience , and so I am recording it from that beautiful book I read.
"Quite abruptly, I found that I was not crying any more. I'd stopped crying, in fact, in mid-sob. Many misery had been completely vacuumed out of me. I lifted my forehead off the floor and sat up in surprise, wondering if I would see now some Great Being who had taken my weeping away. But nobody was there. I was just alone. But not really alone, either. I was surrounded by something I can only describe as a little pocket of silence__ a seamlessly still. I don't know when I'd ever felt such stillness.
Then I heard a voice. Please don't be alarmed-- it was not an Old Testament voice, nor was it a voice telling me I must build a a monument in my back yard. It was merely my own voice, speaking from within my own self. But this was my voice as I had never heard it before. This was my voice, but perfectly wise, calm and compassionate. This was what my voice would sound like if I'd only ever experienced love and certainty in my life. How can I describe the warmth of affection of that voice, as it gave me the answer that would forever seal my faith in the divine?
The voice said: "how much do you love me? This much He said, and He stretched His hands and died"--When I died? at the age of 33 1/2 years, it is immaterial when your husband died, How he lived is all that matter." was the answer I got when asked Him why he died at the tender age of 52 only.
The voice said -- yea even Joseph was thrown in the ditch, but all my promises I gave him came true in due course of time."--that was the answer I got when I sobbed in His presence when my son was unconsciously asked me why God did not keep His promise that he would not stumble or fall.
The voice said--"your prayer was heard , and you will conceive .." which happened the very month and He kept His promise by giving Happy as my first born.
The voice said--"The Father in heaven He Himself revealed this to you.." when I was mocked for my children do not have father to perform their marriage, and publicly humiliated.
I thank God for all these sufferings, for they are rich , and wonderful paths to listen to His still small voice and enjoyed His wonderful protection, just like the author described about the voice.
The words I took as an extract from this beautiful book do depict my experience in wonderful way. so here it is recorded once again.
"And so the prayer narrowed itself down to that simple entreaty---Please tell me what to do--- repeated again and again. I do not know how many times I begged. I only know that I begged like someone who was pleading for her life. And the crying went on forever.
Until--quite abruptly---it stopped.
It so happened when I prayed when my husband died, He answered.
When I prayed for my son when he fall down in ditch, He answered.
when I cried for a baby in my womb with tears, He answered me.
When i was taunted being a widow, and I cried at His feet , He answered me.
Not one time, many times I had this experience , and so I am recording it from that beautiful book I read.
"Quite abruptly, I found that I was not crying any more. I'd stopped crying, in fact, in mid-sob. Many misery had been completely vacuumed out of me. I lifted my forehead off the floor and sat up in surprise, wondering if I would see now some Great Being who had taken my weeping away. But nobody was there. I was just alone. But not really alone, either. I was surrounded by something I can only describe as a little pocket of silence__ a seamlessly still. I don't know when I'd ever felt such stillness.
Then I heard a voice. Please don't be alarmed-- it was not an Old Testament voice, nor was it a voice telling me I must build a a monument in my back yard. It was merely my own voice, speaking from within my own self. But this was my voice as I had never heard it before. This was my voice, but perfectly wise, calm and compassionate. This was what my voice would sound like if I'd only ever experienced love and certainty in my life. How can I describe the warmth of affection of that voice, as it gave me the answer that would forever seal my faith in the divine?
The voice said: "how much do you love me? This much He said, and He stretched His hands and died"--When I died? at the age of 33 1/2 years, it is immaterial when your husband died, How he lived is all that matter." was the answer I got when asked Him why he died at the tender age of 52 only.
The voice said -- yea even Joseph was thrown in the ditch, but all my promises I gave him came true in due course of time."--that was the answer I got when I sobbed in His presence when my son was unconsciously asked me why God did not keep His promise that he would not stumble or fall.
The voice said--"your prayer was heard , and you will conceive .." which happened the very month and He kept His promise by giving Happy as my first born.
The voice said--"The Father in heaven He Himself revealed this to you.." when I was mocked for my children do not have father to perform their marriage, and publicly humiliated.
I thank God for all these sufferings, for they are rich , and wonderful paths to listen to His still small voice and enjoyed His wonderful protection, just like the author described about the voice.
Extracts --clash, clash
These are extracts from a beautiful book I read, which reflects my inner feelings in a beautiful, simple words.
I thought it would be nice to store them, rather preserve them here in my blog, as I feel it would be nice to read them for myself.
do you know the joy of reading your own reflections? If not try and enjoy your loneliness...!!!
Thereby there is subtitle for every extract, here it is "clash"
ok...
the many resons I didn't want to be here any more are too personal and too sad to share here. Much of it had to dowith my problems, but a good portion of our troubles were related to her issues, as well. That's only natural, there ware always two figures in our relationship, after all--two people, two votes, two opinions, two conflicting sets of decisions, desires and limitations. But I don't think it's appropriate for me to discuss her issues in my blog. Nor would I ask anyone to believe that I am capable of reporting an unbiased version of our story, and therefore the chronicle of our relationship failure will remain untold here. I also will not discuss here all the reasons why I did still want to be related, or all her wonderfulness, or why I love her and why I was unable to imagine life without her. I wont's open any of that. Let it be sufficient to say that, on this night, she was still my lighthouse and my albatross in equal measure. the only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; The only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I did't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences,and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.
This part of my story is not a happy one, I know, But I share it here because something was about to occur for this experience of mine... Something good, beautiful something unimaginable would come out .... This would be my wonderful outlet for my inner feelings..........
I thought it would be nice to store them, rather preserve them here in my blog, as I feel it would be nice to read them for myself.
do you know the joy of reading your own reflections? If not try and enjoy your loneliness...!!!
Thereby there is subtitle for every extract, here it is "clash"
ok...
the many resons I didn't want to be here any more are too personal and too sad to share here. Much of it had to dowith my problems, but a good portion of our troubles were related to her issues, as well. That's only natural, there ware always two figures in our relationship, after all--two people, two votes, two opinions, two conflicting sets of decisions, desires and limitations. But I don't think it's appropriate for me to discuss her issues in my blog. Nor would I ask anyone to believe that I am capable of reporting an unbiased version of our story, and therefore the chronicle of our relationship failure will remain untold here. I also will not discuss here all the reasons why I did still want to be related, or all her wonderfulness, or why I love her and why I was unable to imagine life without her. I wont's open any of that. Let it be sufficient to say that, on this night, she was still my lighthouse and my albatross in equal measure. the only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; The only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I did't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences,and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.
This part of my story is not a happy one, I know, But I share it here because something was about to occur for this experience of mine... Something good, beautiful something unimaginable would come out .... This would be my wonderful outlet for my inner feelings..........
Lonliness
do you know what is loneliness? It is not just a physical environment, nor condition of mind; its not having someone to tell your inner feelings, the someone who trusts u, who knows u what u r.
Only the relation between husband and wife could seal that type of connection, if they really know each other and love one another. Once i enjoyed that type of relation, we both used to share many things, and feel sympathy for one another when one is hurt by somebody, we both used to feel the same way for one another.
oh i lost it lost it completely, i have many things to tell to somebody, a shoulder to cry upon, a pat on my back and a hand to wipe my tears,
i feel its better to live alone in a room , where u have your own life , your own mind to communicate , rather than to be among people and live alone.
I know there is only one who is available all the time to listen to my owes, and worries, hurts and bruises to my soul. ohh Lord would you plz help me .....
Depression comes to you when there is nothing to do in life, when you are criticized for every move of yours, when you are observed all the time and commented critically, when you are hated so much and find fault with you at every moment....having some grudge without a reason,
This is a strange situation no one knows, unless you experience..
Only the relation between husband and wife could seal that type of connection, if they really know each other and love one another. Once i enjoyed that type of relation, we both used to share many things, and feel sympathy for one another when one is hurt by somebody, we both used to feel the same way for one another.
oh i lost it lost it completely, i have many things to tell to somebody, a shoulder to cry upon, a pat on my back and a hand to wipe my tears,
i feel its better to live alone in a room , where u have your own life , your own mind to communicate , rather than to be among people and live alone.
I know there is only one who is available all the time to listen to my owes, and worries, hurts and bruises to my soul. ohh Lord would you plz help me .....
Depression comes to you when there is nothing to do in life, when you are criticized for every move of yours, when you are observed all the time and commented critically, when you are hated so much and find fault with you at every moment....having some grudge without a reason,
This is a strange situation no one knows, unless you experience..
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