Humm, I love tragedies, I used to like "Macbeth" rather than "As You Like It", I used to love the "farewell" songs rather than "welcoming" songs, I like the music to be soft and serene rather than jubilant , even from my childhood. I used to have only one close friend all the time in any given class, as my father was a Police Officer we used to move from city to city on transfers, and I never had the opportunity to have a close friend more than three years, I could not continue those friends when I moved from that place as there were no phones, and writing letters was not my wont.
Therefore living alone even in a crowd is not a strange thing to me. I can count only a few friends with whom I can be comfortable with. My husband was my friend, of course, so I never find that I need to be friendly with any one else in that long period 22 years of my married life,It was connected with only one friend, and my joy, my life, my status, my identity everything was connected with him . When he died, I was all alone, which I never expected so soon. If only he died when he was 65 and I 61 I may not feel so much depression and loneliness as I do now.
Even after 10 years of his demise, me feeling like this means, I did not give it much thought, I attributed it to circumstances and blamed the situations, and shed tears over my plight. This became my hobby may be.
So now I sit and I am thinking along the lines I found in a beautiful book where my feelings were recorded exactly as I feel.
Let me put those feelings mingling with mine here.
"I look on depression as like it was the fight of my life, which of, trying to unthread its causes.
What was the root of all this despair?
Was it psychological ? ( Mom & dad fault?)Was it temporal? a bad time in my life?
was it genetic? Was it cultural?( being a widow, the society expects her to be melancholic all the time?)
Or was it artistic? feeling proud to be empathetic for the owes of others? and feeling super sensitive and special?)
Was is hormonal? oh this depression is because of my menopause? Dietary/? because sometimes i am over eating or completely starving myself,when no body there to talk to me at home.Philosophical? social? seasonal? environmental?
Did I have a chemical imbalance?
Therefore living alone even in a crowd is not a strange thing to me. I can count only a few friends with whom I can be comfortable with. My husband was my friend, of course, so I never find that I need to be friendly with any one else in that long period 22 years of my married life,It was connected with only one friend, and my joy, my life, my status, my identity everything was connected with him . When he died, I was all alone, which I never expected so soon. If only he died when he was 65 and I 61 I may not feel so much depression and loneliness as I do now.
Even after 10 years of his demise, me feeling like this means, I did not give it much thought, I attributed it to circumstances and blamed the situations, and shed tears over my plight. This became my hobby may be.
So now I sit and I am thinking along the lines I found in a beautiful book where my feelings were recorded exactly as I feel.
Let me put those feelings mingling with mine here.
"I look on depression as like it was the fight of my life, which of, trying to unthread its causes.
What was the root of all this despair?
Was it psychological ? ( Mom & dad fault?)Was it temporal? a bad time in my life?
was it genetic? Was it cultural?( being a widow, the society expects her to be melancholic all the time?)
Or was it artistic? feeling proud to be empathetic for the owes of others? and feeling super sensitive and special?)
Was is hormonal? oh this depression is because of my menopause? Dietary/? because sometimes i am over eating or completely starving myself,when no body there to talk to me at home.Philosophical? social? seasonal? environmental?
Did I have a chemical imbalance?
