Beauty and Blessings from Broken Heart

Beauty and Blessings from Broken Heart

(Beauties of  Fragrant flowers and Beatitudes of Garlands   from a Broken Heart)

      Life is a continuous journey- We face unlimited problems in it. This  life is narrowed only between  (15-60 yrs) Because we were not aware of much problems before 15 years and not much affected after 60 years of age. There are certain problems like storms, which ruin,disintegrate, falling to pieces of our lives which we never anticipated. Some times a great  complicated, problem comes on us all in a sudden, which make us, loose all our  strength to face them,  the heart is crushed into pieces -- in such circumstances when we try to push the boat in this storm to the banks of river, with all our might and mind, even then, if we have to  face humiliation, rumours and unknown and unexpected incidents which emerge out from others--then we stand there awestruck, bewildered, unstable, weak and with Broken heart, even in such situations  can  this broken heart sprinkle flowers of fragrance and garlands of Blessings????

            Can this broken heart be glued again ?  May be a sort of thick membrane  cover it ,but when somebody fondly pinch it with their long nails, then, can those bloody tears can  they  be turned into fragrant flowers and garlands of blessings?

          We may forgive them who ruined our lives and humiliated us; but can we forgive them and forget those incidents which squeezed the lives of our beloved ones which broke them, crushed them mentally and physically , which made them helplessly close their eye lids and flew to the realms of endless distance;  can we just forgive  such people who caused all that turmoil and chaos without any reason? 

         "To err is Human, To forgive is Divine"--  The imperfect man, can become the perfect person ? Is this divinity be possessed abundantly? Can the man who is dwindling between perfectness and imperfectness  get such divinity of forgiveness ?

        He is comely,  divinely perfect, perfect man, perfect lover of my soul, my king, the Lord Jesus Christ , only He showed how to forgive even such people; He gave us a perfect example of Love and Forgiveness. Yes those who could be merged in Him only can sprinkle fragrances of beauty and  garlands of blessings from their broken hearts. 

       This is really a great rock of problem. From distance, it look like a pebble that we could handle with our fingers, but its not;  look like its possible but not possible, unless we are always alert and fight against it, vigilantly, forgiveness would not merge into our nature, into our disposition and we be able to live like him. 

Some times in the life , we feel that we have succeeded in this area, of forgiving, feel we caught hold of it in our fist, but within seconds we find it slipped out of our fingers into the depths of earthly beams and comes out suddenly as volcano with all its rage. Then we stand immobile and feel ashamed of ourselves,put our heads down and question ourselves,"oh was that me!!?'--

       Every day is rolling by, down with words of prayer like a parrot;  but as the autumn season flooding our years finding that we cannot reach the perfectness of my Lord, our heart screams aloud with agony of repentance for not able to forgive and forget, still the wound in the heart try to erase the past like hide and seek game, wondering what is this that happening in our lives!?

       As life goes on we cherish those beauties of the fragrant flowers, and enjoy the gracefulness of the wreaths of beatitudes, all through, but yet the events of the past bring only gushes of tears again and again;,  and bring out dejected crippled feelings, what is the reason?

      Forgotten, forgiven fallen at he feet of the Most High and completely immersed into His goodness and praised God with songs of thankfulness and celebrated festivities of fortitude,  BUT --somewhere some challenge, some crooked arrow of mocking, somebody pinched the past,  then we found our selves again in that muddle of agony, indignation, volcano of restlessness.What is happening to us? why this antonym of forgiveness ?

      Where is that Beauties of flowery fragrance ? where is that wreath of Beatitudes ?

Nobody's life is full of jubilation and celebration from the beginning to the end..Not of any Heroes of faith is full of exuberance and ecstasy. ==final goodbyes, deaths, disease, mortification, condemnation, are common phases of life. But these heroes of Faith in the epistle of Hebrew, flew into the vault of heavens like eagles. The tales of these conquerors were narrated in the epistle of Hebrews eleventh chapter with a twinkle in the eyes and smile on lips.While describing the different perspectives of   Faith, Hope,   the Winning episodes , the trumpets and  banners of these faithful warriors were mentioned sentence by sentence .  

       "They intended to harm me, but God intended it for good'---We know it, we are enjoying the blessings out of it at every step of our lives, praising God, and we pray always with the same version. 

But even when in the hands of Religious fanatics,  and exploiters being crushed and muted,  can theses praises follow us? Echo in our hearts?

All that was intended was only evil, --"I tried to do good to them, but they did evil to me, they ate with me as my friends, at one table,  but they lifted up their heel to kick in my heart,  they showed love by embracing me while stabbing me behind on my back,  humiliated me, left me to the fate of the life; even then, everything turned up into good for me"---Can we say this with all our heart by mighty power of the Holy Spirit ?

     In order to have a victory in these circumstances we need to get training in suffering, should we ? The broken and contrite spirit should be His offering, is it not?

   Some people's life is like bountiful plate of blessings, live happily in serving the Lord, without any wrench, or jerk.  Still then, blessed are those who can enter into the lives of less miserable and experience their sorrows as their own.   We know those saints of God who lived with the suffering people forsaking their own pleasures and riches in life---Moses the friend of God,  St. Francis of Assisi, Florence Nightingale, Hudson Taylor, Catherine Booth--to name a few. 

Our Saviour had gone through all the tribulations of life, just like us, He is the only One who can understand our weaknesses, and forgive and give victory, yes there is no one else as He is. He is my Lover, My friend, there is no other one to compare with . (Song of Songs 5:9b,16b who else is there like Him?

The Heroes of Hebrew got promises of great assurances but they did not enjoy those, they stood far and praised God " They are still living by faith when they died.--They did not receive the things promised, they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance " Heb 11:13  They saw the garlands of blessings but did not have chance to wear them.  They are the guides of our generation, they proved that they were aliens and strangers on earth.   the defeat and victory of life are just a shadow to them. 

We are enjoying the blessings of the kingdom of God while toiling in it, and trying to bring the souls to Him, and witnessing the families come out of the dirt of sin and live for Christ, , that is enough for us as anointed oil to get healing to the broken hearts of us, nothing else we need to be healed. 

He is the one who loves us eternally and unceasingly, His promises are the diamonds we pick in the problems of life,  He is the great Gardner who takes care of us, by pouring water and tending us carefully is it beyond reach to try to enter into the list of the heroes in a nook of its list? His diamonds of Promises are all that make us sharpen in our lives.. and make us diamonds to worn by the crown of the King.--His Diamonds of Promises, in His Living Word as we dug in, makes us Diamonds and Stars of Eternity,  a Promising generation , keeping us a legacy of beacon to the children, and children's children.  Enoch walked with God and begotten sons and daughters. It was all that his testimony recorded in the word of God, what made him an unique person, loved by God so much, that He Himself just kidnapped him from the earth, without a notice served?  The mirth of God, the sense of humour of His, is  a mystery, altogether.  Can we be like this Diamond in our own little circle, may be just a family of 4 or five even?

*********************************************************************************My diamonds in my tribulations of life;

Job,13:15 Though he slay me, yet will I hope in Him,

Micah 7; 8,9 "do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise, Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.....Because I have sinned against him,, I will bear the Lord's wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness.

Job 16:19 Even now my witness is in heaven, my advocate is on High.

Habakkuk 3:19  Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olives crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,  YET WILL I REJOICE IN THE LORD AND i WILL BE JOYFUL IN GOD MY SAVIOR.

Some times we could not utter one word of prayer, due to the oppression, even then He says, Numbers 3:7 was my promise, once, " The Lord said, : i have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt .I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering."...some times our sighs become prayer. 

Psalms 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.   Yes the broken heart will be healed. 

Psalms 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. If only these Holy verses can be spoken with faith, that is enough in life.

***********************************************************************************cases from the Bible

1) She is in her prime of youthfulness, every thing in life is new and enchanting, engrossing her into dream lands of future, went to see the colour full world unknown, caught by the rapist who destroyed her life, her heart is broken so is her old father's, and brother's, who was she? can you imagine someone very near or dear in your friend's circle.. what is your reaction? judgmental? feels empathy? any deeds of reprimand? or any kind deeds of helping? how? .

2) Loved her cousin, thought he was  harmless, and have brotherly affection, heard he was on sick bed not knowing it was the adulterous bed, went to cook for him and give him a resort of happiness, she was caught up in the net, manipulated to the uttermost humiliation, her colorful attire was torn up, thrown out of the room into the streets, weeping reached home, what is this heart says? broken into hundred pieces of glasses, what is the result ? are judgmental? feeling sympathy or empathy? what deeds of reprimand you expect from the society? how do you react to such a friends of yours?--Often these girls become dumb, and deaf, and become zombies,  no life, but breath; no words but full of agony in heart of heart. Are you able to see the tears of blood in those eyes?  Who is she ?

3}What  a terrible story.. its like this modern Nirbhaya story of Delhi gang rape,  She was just a puppet in the hands of men of the day, she had no name , no identity, no role to play, she is known as concubine, a doll to play with, sent out of the room in the darkness of the night to the hands of the rapists, they gang raped her , she at the moment of last breath reached back to the house where her husband was in, he saw her cut her into 12 pieces and sent to 12 states of the country. Horrible situation. How did you react to the incidents you heard of this sort? what was your reaction? were you just hard hearted? did you open your voice and spoke against it?  any way who was this lady in the Bible .. refer the book and chapter. 

4)She was beautiful lady, clever, intelligent, and well educated, got married with many dreams to a man, later found out that he was drunkard,  useless and uncouth, stupid, and arrogant, .. how would be her heart? did you ever find a person like this? what was your reaction? suppose you are in that situation how would you react? Any way--- Who is this lady in the Bible?

5) People were envious of her, she got two healthy grown up boys to do errands of the house, her husband was well known leader in the country, there were some problems in the place, they went abroad, settled well, boys got married to foreign ladies, everything was rich and good. suddenly she lost husband, even her sons by the unknown disease of the land. Left alone, reached back to the native land, her heart is broken, but her life was not forsaken by the Lord, He loves her, what happened? how she rose up to the occasion?   How could be your reaction? Judgmental? Reprimand? disapprove? Would you like to help such person, welcoming back to the town? would you take risk to visit her and lend some help to her?  Even when your self righteous congregation  points you that you are the black sheep of the family ? ---Who was she in the Bible?

6)Going to the same place to worship, worshiping the same Loving God, One is happy in worshiping Him the other is not, both are blood related, cant hold the jealousy on seeing the other is rejoicing in the Lord,  he took his life as a revenge, the other's blood is swashed around, and sunk into the soil of the earth, and still talking to His Lord, about the unjustful act of his brother Who is he, what was the repercussion of the broken heart then and there? how about the parents of these people, did they break? How do you understand the situation of these parents..? Do you understand the broken hearts of them? if you a find a family like that how do you console them? Are you sitting on a judgmental seat of self righteousness and wishing them to end up in the hell? ---Who are they?

7)That is the journey of FAITH, Nobody walked in it before, leaving his own and going to the unknown, believed his kin will be his family, just because of the silly quarrels of the servants, he left him, is his heart broken? could you understand such situation? did you see any person who was cheated left alone after all that he did for his kith and kin? what empathetic words you have for such person how can you try to heal that broken heart of his?--Who is he?

8) He is a visionary, his sees things of the future, his words has meaning,  prophetic, his wisdom made him an enemy of his own, he was misunderstood, for what he forecast; sold as a slave , prisoned, and his heart was broken, into pieces, what happened to all those dreams he had? now in this dungeon, all alone, no ray of hope, heart is broken, laid down on the dirty floor and still dreaming? No dreams but God gave him wisdom to tell the meaning of the dreams of others. Still in the den of dirt, disease and squalor, his heart is broken, smashed in spirit, do you have a heart to understand him? Do you understand the person in the prison as your town?--Who is he?

9)  Sojourned.excommunicated, wanted to save his people, but thrown out by his own, fear took hold of him forgot all his royal skills, became a coward, ran away to a place unknown, heart broken, no hope of any bright future, all darkness in front, living alone in the wilderness among new people, lonely, heart broken, who can heal such heart? how can such broken heart give blessings? do you have any soft word for such person, or do you look at him suspiciously? -- Who is he?

10) She was the daughter of the king, told every one she loved this man, married, but when problem rose up she married other man, when he tried to be soft on her by blessing her, instead of her promiscuous life, but she talked very lowly of him, his heart was broken, and never glued again for her. Who was she ? Who was he? What type of advise you can give to such person, How can you understand the situation? What happened to the law of God?Deuteronomy 24:4 KJV  4v. Her former husband , which sent her away, may not take her again to be is wife, after that she is defiled; for that is abomination before the Lord: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the Lord thy God giveth thee for an inheritance."Why he did he so? Should we follow the life of this man who was a king who set a wrong example in his marital life? are you bringing the creed of the culture upon him and accept him?--Who was he?

11)Life is wonderful, prosperous, , fame and name, godliness, and righteousness, model family everything is good and cool. Sudden disaster, all washed off, friends started to mock him, find fault in him. The body failed him, mind playing games, marital life on rocks,  Are you one of such friends?  Are you having some empathetic words for him? How do you judge him? ---Who is he?

12) Furnace, hanging, lions den, prison, excommunication, execution, lonely fighting, rivers of blood... still with hope and faith; these hearts are sprinkling flowers of fragrance and wore the wreaths of blessings... how do you understand? do like to travel in the path of these people ? who are these heroes of faith? you are ready to go in that paths? are you getting training to do so on your knees every day?

*********************************************************************************

DIAMOND

                    Do you know how Diamonds form in the depths of the earth? It was only a stone, in the depths of the earth, hatched for many years, in terrible darkness and heat and pressure. When the earth vomits by means of volcano from the tips of the mountains, these will be thrown out on the surface of the earth. Still they just look like any other ordinary stone. 

                   A christian is a stone, nothing else, he is formed from the womb of the salvation. Trails, make him a christian. But he is just like any other stone to look at.  Until he is broken like a stone broke into the heart of it.
                  When the stone is picked from the field ,it is brute, polished and the Lapidary with his skillful fingers, struck it into its heart with great thud of the hammer, before that he puts it under great pressure with other diamonds, to shape it into his liking. When the hammer hits it, it goes straight into it's heart and the air out side reaches in it, and makes it a diamond.
            The christian heart when it is broken it should get the breath of the God into him, then only Christian become a Diamond for God. A broken heart is all that needed. Passion held by principle of brokenness. 

Some people react differently to their problems, 

1) They  say, " its all my fate, fatalism, and say they cannot rewrite any thing all that happened, they are more less like Procrastinators, they say, its written so it happened, they never bother about the past, present or future, they never can be diamonds.

2) Some people sunk into the problems, never could come out, they never try to think of the solution spiritually, they try themselves all the solutions from men and material, and find themselves more and more involved to the dearth of other problems, they become Pessimists, talk negatively all the time, no hope for life. 

3)Some people divert themselves to other funny sporty type of life, entertainment, they say they forgot everything, nothing can be undo now, so eat, drink, and enjoy life... no God, no man, everything is MAYA, and try to forget themselves.. eat and sleep. These are the Entertainers. mostly like Pigs.If there is any one here that claim that they came from monkey, I tell you that you better believe that you came from Pig, because man and pig has more resemblance than ape. A man who believes he is from ape or pig behaves just like these animals, but a man who believes he is created by God behaves to live as He likes.

4) These are the people who realize the situation and knew the solution is in God's hand, become obedient in His hands, and willing to have another blow in his heart, whatever , from the hands of God, beg the breath of God into his heart, thereby they become a diamonds in life. These diamonds always have the diamond of promises, guidance form the Book of Life. 

                                         "We all the kings in His Kingdom.
                                             We are free to do what we like,
                                             Yet we do what He likes" -(-King of Dark Chamber)

                                    That is the real diamond in the hands of God

When-God-Guides The story of the Refrigerator( 5a)

Story of the Refrigerator (5A)
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ"                        2 Corinthians 10:5.

                                                                    Therefore , the promises of God gave me assurance , joy, and courage without any trace of doubt to go back to Eluru and join----st.Theresa's  Degree college, and resume my work as lecturer in Social work again in the year, 1985.

Four years passed away, many things happened in the Eluru branch of church,we were asked to take  charge of the little center ,  later the prayer center was entrusted to us, after a few months we returned from Vijayawada., We started with three families,and School teachers .  By the time we left  the congregation it was of 1000 people in 2000. When I look back at those events  , The Sovereign God has planned everything and designed everything before hand but Tested me whether I would seek His will in my decisions. Because I relied upon His thoughts, these stories of testimony were beautifully woven in history of my life.
First I started with Sunday School ministry as my children were in U.kg &L.kg respectively in St.Theresa's Elementary school which was attacked to the college where I was working. In lunch time I used to go and feed my children. My husband was taking care of the main ministry on Sunday, many times when he could not make to come home early on Wednesdays. and I used to conduct that mid-week prayer too in our home. Later as the ministry was getting wider, I started Youth meeting , entrusting children ministry to women in the church while overseeing it, When I found the women were facing problems in their homes, I entrusted the youth meeting to my husband I conducted women's meeting soon after the Sunday worship, as they could not come again and again in a week to the church. This women meeting almost became as a family meeting,  as even their husbands were listening to the word of God, and testimonies sitting far here and there. The women meeting became the main backbone of the ministry, as the women learned many things to build a home for the Lord.
Coming to the title story, I must give you a sort of my background life in the culinary skills before marriage were of a perfect zero. Therefore, when I was married in 1979,  I was naive in cooking, literally as I never had been into the kitchen except to find some thing to eat. But after marriage as my husband was going to his D.E.N  office in Vijayawada, from Eluru, at 6 am, I had to get up early in the morning to prepare his breakfast and lunch by that time . We had only two kerosene stoves. Preparing food was a new adventure for me , though I took it with great enthusiasm and joy in my heart. I never never murmured or felt bad to serve my husband.                                                        ( I had deep respect and love for him every minute of my life. I was careful all ways not to bring any trace of lovelessness between us. He was my husband, my  friend, my pastor, and my all. I almost liked to loos my identity , 'No Leela ,but only Tadigiri Yesurtnam' in my life ,in family or in church. I was happy in my self  imposed role as his subordinate in every situation.                                                                    Why I was like that? Because only the word of God insisted me to be a good wife, and I wanted to be a good, loyal and obedient wife; a role model to the little congregation we were tending up. A good example to my children, so that the name of God be glorified. When st.Paul said, 'Husband is the head of wife, just as Christ is the Head of the Church.,women obey your husband'. I believed it that it should be so hundred percent  then and now, a woman has respect  in community only when she obeyed her husband just as she obeyed the word of God and Christ. Therefore most of the times I had to forego my little pleasures, had to change the whole pattern of my habits, my life , my conversations, my friends, my wishes my tastes too according his likings.                                                                                                   Was it very difficult? Yes of course, it was, but often I erase that dissatisfaction and paint it with love for him. I tell you when a wife plays  such submissive role in the home I do not think that any husband could not but love her to the utmost.Men should love their wives as their own body, taking care of it every second of his life, protect her , love her, respect her, cherish her just as he takes care of his own body, that just like as he takes healthy food, take exercise, dress up neatly, self dignified, and conduct himself in self esteem in the public. To love her is his duty. If not his wife whom he wants to love ? It is as simple as it is, no other go. But many a times, the church do not speak to husbands how he should love his wife, but give long sermons only on obedience of wife.  The public also has a critical eye on her and scrutinize her character according to her obedience, but never how much he is gentle and respectful and loving to his wife. Therefore only wives need to pray for the love of husbands also, while obeying them.  This is man's world, and we women must learn how to be a winner on our knees. Otherwise men will remind us about the Eve and her disobedience and our inheritance from her. though most men love their wives, the male chauvinism in the man will never leave him. His authority and his upper hand over the matters of family would never go underneath. He shows his bossism unkindly now and then. In such circumstances either you utterly broke in spirit, or revolt and ruin married life, or be submissive and learn of Him taking His counsel, and guidance and protection from Him. God said to widow women that He is their husband too. some times when men are too bossy , cruel , unkind, God takes care of such women in special way. Everything works good for them who love God and called upon by Him. Either way is good for women. )
That was the year 1979, very few people were having Refrigerator in their homes in those days in India.  I was keen to have a Fridge in our new home, as I found it very difficult to cook getting up early in the morning. I never opted for installment basis buying but my desire to have a refrigerator was too strong to forget that, but to buy it any way possible.                                                                I learnt to give away all my salary to my husband from the day one of our marriage.  I did not know , why I did it. but as  I accepted him as the head of the family,  I felt, it was good to have expenditure on one hand.  I thought he was better in accounts than me.  So it was undisputed question,to question to find out who has to maintain the family accounts in our home. I felt that money should not bring any ill feelings in marital relationship.                                                                     ( Many families disunited due to the matters of  money issues, and in issues of biological needs of one another.St. Paul very gently spoke about his issue that man has no right on his body but to wife,and woman has no right on her body but to him, and exalted them to take time to pray without giving much stress to others biological needs. Better to have his own wife he said. He smoothly dealt with this sexual matters and warned the husband and wife to deal with one another carefully lest it brings temptation and ruin the family.  Now a days, the younger generation forgot the most important word of the marriage,  the basic principle of marriage, that is, "Let the marriage bed be undefiled" ---the bed should be blameless. " What does it mean, one must not have any thought of adultery or fornication before going to into marital relations about the other partner. But  I heard young men saying or young women saying that they do not have any sexual desire for a particular  woman or man to accept him or her as his wife or husband. This is abomination in the sight of God. These people are in the path of  the Destroyer to ruin their marital life, such people should repent deeply in the presence of God. Marriage is not for adultery or fornication. It should be flawless in the sight of God. The desire of sexual instinct must come only after marriage not before. Trusting and obeying Him in marital relations is only the principle of life. Any thing less than that is adultery.  Isaac took Rebecca who came to be his wife according to the desire and guidance  of Abraham, so he took her to be his wife and then loved her, and she was a great comfort to him. The devil always gives the opposite rules of word of God. Never we be cheated by the evil one in matters of marital relations. The next thing is Money,  that causes rift in between the couple).
I started to ask him, 'lets have a Fridge in the home'  He did not answer my proposal, but kept quiet. ( From the very beginning of our married life, we both were very clear that we should never never ask our parents for any need in our home, or suggest any thing we needed or tell them or get the things from them.  Proverbs 28:24    was unspoken commandment in our family life. "Whoever steals from his father or mother but claims, 'it's no sin'  is a companion to one who destroys."  who is the destroyer,  he is none but the Satan.   When you covet from the mother and father, and father-in-law and mother-in-law and take from them asking them, insisting on them you are just a friend of the Devil, whatever you do will be destroyed.  I know a woman, well to do , she and her husband are high in position, she asked her retired father to pay the first fees of her son in a very posh school . the fees was in thousands right back in 1980s.  she played on the sentiments of that loving father saying, "Dad you have to pay the first fees of your grandson, its your responsibility and duty, the fees should go on your hand"        Stupidity of this woman, how dare she is to say to an old father like that, instead of taking care of that loving father how can she ask him to do so?  Another time when  he went to her house and forgot his Bible bag with some cash in it. Next he went to her house and asked for the bag, and when she gave it to him he found that his money was not there,  which he withdrew from the bank for his monthly expenditure,  when he asked her, she said, " What is there dad? your money and my money? I took it for some purpose to spend for your grandsons," That father did not have one word, to say, because these terrible people would capable of taking away the grandsons from his arms, ripped them from him, stopping him from fondling them.   He is old and could not say anything, because of his love for his grandsons.   Later lately I heard this woman, went to her mother who was bed ridden, a widow who was living on the pension of her husband and asked her to give money to her grand son wedding.  Poor lady bewildered, she asked every one what gift she could give to such person, when she was told not to worry about such prattle of such foolish woman,  that lady shouted at the person who advised her mother and started to call names. Did you see the greediness of people is not because of they are poor, because they are the companions of the Devil.  I never asked my parents for my expenditure once I finished my PG,  I worked hard for my postage to apply for jobs, and bus fares to attend the interviews.    Even for my marriage , I saved money for the expenditure of the wedding. For three years  I worked as lecturer, and I saved money and gave it to my dad for the expenses of my wedding.  That was my  custom and dignity of life. When I see some people who ask parents to give money even after 25 years of married life  I am astonished  at their  greediness.
In 1979  That Dasara vacation we went to Vijayawada to stay in the rented house where his sisters were taken care by us for their studies to carry on taking every basic need of them to live comfortably in the city.   We were invited by the local evangelist to their home for  dinner.  Soon after the dinner,their children played the instruments and sang songs for us.The Pastor started to give the word of God before we go from their home. He was telling us that,
"In family life we need many things  but when we want to purchase, we have to check three points ,We should ask our selves'         1)" Do we need that particular thing in life? Without that we cannot go on in                                              life? whether it would be very difficult to live without it?  just ask yourself."----  I was looking at him and listening to him intently.                                                                                                                                        2) The second point to remember is , Are we having that capability to purchase  that thing,  do we have that much money?  for example if you want to buy a fridge'....( I was shocked , but glued to the seat, and  was listening to him very   carefully..) he continued, First you should ask yourself whether you cannot go on in life without it for a while, later when  you  have enough money to buy it?                                                                                                                                                                                 3) Most of  all other things, you should pray and find whether it is the will of                                          God or not, it means you have to pray and find whether  it is in the will of God.
After that we listened to the rest of the  word of God, came out and while walking  on the road, I meekly asked my husband, 'Emandi did you tell him about the fridge? That I am asking you to buy?''---- No Leela, I did not tell him'his tone too was a little bit in surprise.
That was the END OF OUR CONVERSATION ABOUT BUYING A REFRIGERATOR . It was October 1979.
"To continue  the episode of 1985 we went back to Eluru, joined into the college again, I tried to save some money by Recurring  Deposit  and it would be matured by January 1989.   So I started to ask my husband to buy a Fridge, as it becoming much difficult for me in looking after so many responsibilities in his absence .I was a working woman , a mother of two little school going children, and also taking care of Sunday school as well as the spiritual needs of women in the church. Round the clock I was working without rest. And I also was going to market to buy vegetables, meat, and provisions. To store the cooked food was a great task for me which gives me a great stress on my life. Therefore I believed that I should buy a Refrigerator this coming January as I saved a little money in Recurring deposit in the Bank.
But my husband was not saying 'Yes" for my pleas.  I tried in every way possible to get his 'yes' to buy the fridge.  Because I know very well If I succeed to get one word,'yes' from him, he will do it.  so I am trying to get his permission to buy a fridge.   But he is not saying 'yes or no'.On the other hand he took this important issue of mine, in lighter sense and started to crack jokes on my pleadings.  Many people may wonder why I insisted to obey him at every step in my life. I cannot answer you, but I say its life's commitment, I could not deviated from it.
That was the Saturday, the fasting prayer night , the little congregation who gathered in our house dispersed, that coming Tuesday, the money I deposited in Recurring deposit scheme in Andhra Bank will be matured, I saved that money with much difficulty,  So I want to use that money to buy a fridge.  You know we were married for 10 years now, and I had been managing my toil in the kitchen without a fridge.  Because the man of God exhorted us that we have to buy only when it is too necessary,  though it was necessary, the second warning stopped me to buy all these years, he told us to buy only when we  have enough money.  Now I got money too so what is stopping me to buy it? Only the permission of my husband is needed, right?  so I was on that errand all in all now.  I must get his "yes" to my need.   So I thought if I get his 'yes' I can be free in my mind, and could concentrate on fasting prayer of us, we both would pray now, and that I need not ask him about it on Sunday which I should not, and Monday will be too busy to ask him.
So I asked him, I was asking him since a week now and then, of course, Now this is the end of asking and begging and pleading him. I determined, Because whenever I ask him he was joking on me,  as if he could not hear what I asked for.
He was saying, 'Well what do you want to buy?  brinjals (vegetables)?  haha, yes we can buy one kg of them? sure I will bring them" or he would say,' what, you want to have,a new saree ?  only this Christmas you bought one, is it not? '   such was his sarcastic jokes on me.  In fact he was enjoying seeing my angry face.   So this night would be the last night for this nightmare, I decided.
When I asked him he just kept quiet and not answering me.  So the tears in my eyes flowing endlessly ,  freely, and sniffing and crying I asked him Why you do not  answer me? He soberly said, 'Good you are crying just like any other common woman'     and just ignored me.
I was still crying and started to say many things , how much I had been  suffering in the kitchen toiling from morn to end of the day, in tears.  Any one of you can understand the situation here, and visualize it. Lastly before he retreated for prayer, taking the mat and Bible into the corridor , he again said, " you say that for everything it should be God's will , is this God's will?"----------
I was shocked and shocked to the uttermost, I cant even breath.  I was staring at him , but did not follow him to join in prayer.  The gush of tears drenching my pallu, my saree, my all, my sniffs make such big sound, even my little children were looking at me with pitiful eyes.  I made them to lie down beside me each other on one side, and lied down on the bed in between them. There was no dearth of tears, I was crying silently, drowned in tears.
Do not know what all those thoughts coming into my mind, but I was utterly humiliated, and beaten up and defeated.    Cant say one word more. Well emotions suppress all other transparency of thinking or calculating, or revising the facts. Like that how much more time passed away, I did not know but when I saw the clock in dim bed light it was 12'0 clock.and my children were sleeping beside me , and I heard his voice in the corridor still groaning and praying for the church members and for Nations at large.
A funny thought flashed into my mind, I said to the Lord in my mind," Lord if you are really on MY SIDE, will you please tell him to say AMEN and come inside?"   Not even one second passed away, he said amen and came inside with the mat and all. I closed my eyes and pretended as if I was fast asleep.  I saw him dragging a small cot a little far from us and knelt down once again then lied down.   But there was peace in my heart, Didn't God assure me that He was on my side? that was enough. I slipped into  sleep within a few seconds                                                                           A hammer hitting my brain with a great sound of these words. Not once but thrice I heard the voice, a male low voice which was speaking to me in English.
 'YOU FRET AND FIGHT BUT YOU ARE NOT ASKING GOD'
I looked at the clock it was 3 am, I got up at once. sat on my bed and looked at him he was sleeping , my children were sleeping, I got down immediately from the bed, knelt down, and I was in the presence of God at once.---Do you know how it would be to be confronted by God like this? In my unspoken devotion to my husband I forgot the most important point spoken by the Evangelist  i.e.,"Most of all ,you must find out whether the thing you want to buy is in the will of God."--Of course I did not remember that thing even at that time, though. But I was shocked by His voice and knelt down in His presence seeking His face.
There was nothing else there , only God and me. His feet , His face , His presence and Me.  No other thought, I said , Yes Lord , I am fighting, but I did not ask you." I told Him.I yielded completely. Then immediately I was reminded of the verse in James, 4:1-5  so I got my  Bible and looked into it. There it was written like this,
                                   " What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. you do not have because you do not ask God."----Selah-- My heart beat stopped a second, I was staring at those words.
What God spoke to me in my dream were actually here in this Holy Scriptures.  I was amazed and just looking at those verses.   Then slowly I came into my senses and closed my eyes and started to pray, Keeping my right hand on my heart " Lord, is this true, I am fighting and quarreling, but I did not ask you.  Forgive me Lord, I am a sinner" (Even then I did not remember the most important third point spoken by the evangelist,Of course my husband , didn't he remind me that I should seek His will In this matter before he retreated to pray alone in the corridor? still I did not take heed or remember the most important point of buying)    Only one thing happening there, I was in His presence seeking His will. My compassionate Father and Friend was slowly teaching me how I should come into His presence in seeking His will in this matter.
The tears drenching my face again, I was in His presence washing His feet with those tears.   Again I heard small still voice,  ' Read the next .. lines"== so I took my Bible again and looked into it. Even, "When you ask you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."
Again my heart making sounding loudly lub dub, I was in the Holy presence of God.  I asked God , again I kept my right hand on my heart, and asked God,  "Lord, tell me , Am I asking you to enjoy my own pleasures? Am I asking you with a wrong motive?  Tell me Lord, if it is so I do not want this fridge.  I just do not want it. You perceive what is in my heart, you know what I am, what is my motive;"
I closed my eyes and I heard a voice again, so clear and so vividly, You asked me for a  "HELP" in Vijayawada, you remember?  Now I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU A "HELP" IN THE FORM OF A FRIDGE"  
I was in His presence, I knew His voice. I knew what is next. I knew what  my Lord is going to do. I just praised God, with all my heart, I  knelt down there , for longer time, silent and quiet enjoying His presence.Psalms 30:5 sorrow comes in the night but joy comes with the morning.
When I got up I do not remember much about that morning  now, But one thing I remember, all sorrow and tears gone with the wind, I was rejoicing in the Lord in that morning I was on clouds. I was singing and praising God.  (very unlike of me after such a great turmoil last night, my husband must be astonished to see my new disposition which was contrary to my last night behavior)
Mark 11:24 says, " When you pray believe that you have already received it, and it will be yours"   yes,   this happens when you pray with right motive. God answers us in wonderful way. We knew that we got what we asked for, while we were praying for itself.

                                                                       If you love Me, keep My commandments;                                                                                                          If you love Me, keep My commandments;                                                                                                          If you love Me keep them true:                                                                     Not forgetting the Old or New
For Chapter 5B CLICK HERE

Especially for Women

  " The Lord announces the Word, and the women who proclaim it are a mighty throng" Psalms 68 :11
Click the link underneath this article for the next episode.
Especially for the Women
After marriage I know the agony of barrenness,  as I too had gone through the same agony of not having children, I was married at the age of 26 and having family at that age is risky in some cases of women. Therefore we both were naturally anxious about this matter.  I was waiting to be conceived. every month. Anxiously awaiting for the menstrual period to be skipped. 17 months passed away, and every month passed away with out that good news. I was disappointed every month.  People started to ask me about my pregnancy  plan quiet often. In Eastern parts of the globe every one is interested in every thing that takes place in others life. People are very much interested in our marriage alliances, in our married life, in our family plans etc, They ask directly or indirectly. In the place where I lived they had a strange term about asking about pregnancy, "Did she has bath?" (ammayi Neellu posukonnadha?). I was a little humiliated by some remarks too, it was October, 1980 I had Dasara vacation, I came to Vijayawada to the Railway quarters, I was waiting for the baby very anxiously in that month, every day we both were praying but in vain. That day I was sweeping the rooms, and found myself at the bay. Realizing even that month was not with any hope, my eyes welled up and tears were flowing unceasingly, i started to pray half loudly asking God to give me a baby and take away the shame on my face while sweeping... At that moment I thought of tuning the Viswavani Radio station, and I  switched on the radio, I heard the voice of Br. R.R.K. Murthy , "Are you praying for conceiving a baby? God is going to give you a baby by this time next year. and he was going on explaining the faith and prayer of Hannah in I Samuel first chapter. I stood still,as my ears glued to the voice coming from that little Radio box. They used to call this Radio set as Aakasa Vani, it means Voice from heavens. Yes indeed it was a voice from heaven to me at that moment I knew it was for me, and I believed it. all that gloom and fear and confusion and sorrow vanished away in one second. No tears, no anxiety and I knew God heard my prayer and that was my answer.The next month was skipped from monthly ordeal, by December I was confirmed that I was with a baby in my womb.Doctors confirmed it in second month itself examining my history of healthy menstrual period from my 13 years of age.  Yes by August 1981 God had given me a beautiful baby girl in my arms. my dad was commented by the Dr. Soubgyavathi, in Vizayanagaram 'Sir, your daughter followed your steps, having a girl baby." We are three girls to my parents, he wanted to have a grandson at least this time, he was very much disappointed and said,  "Again girl" and my husband replied, " Whoever, this is God's gift"(Psalms 127:3-5) dad laughed and every one of us were very happy. On her first birth day this little girl was asked by my sisters, and my husband, "Baby whats your name? she cooed loudly, giggling , "AAAAppy" again and again was asked and she replied the same, my husband declared " She says her name is Happy"---Since then this little Happy brought much happiness in our lives. Now she is  a devoted wife, mother working part time after her M.S in U.S.A
For my second pregnancy, the Lord told me that I will give birth to a boy.soon after my delivery of John, my little boy, the nurse declared, "You delivered a boy mam" Immediately I said, " Yes, God told me He would give me a boy this time" She was surprised and asked me again, "What did you say mam?" I said "yes God told me before itself that He is going to give a boy to me this time" I replied to her with my weak voice while half drenched in blood all over. I got that verse from Psalms just before my confinement.
There were other tests in my married life as an young mother  I want to write those here as an encouragement to the  young mothers  with little children, and infants to know that our Savior is there as a friend, all ways, in every situation of our lives.
2)   It was  the time I was  stricken  with jaundice,  I suffered with the fourth stage of the disease,  I was accused by some senior fanatic sisters, who were  on behalf of my sisters-in-law, These sisters were very partial in their dealings and treating me jealously, saying that I did not  love them and that was the reason for this disease.  More than the disease the accusing words hurt me  much...I could not take rest due to those words of accusation and useless comments. But my husband was praying for me and I too did not take heed of those hurtful accusations but I relied upon God and His word.
I was very happy with my daughter in those days, she had 6 months, every thing she does was a great source of joy to me and to my husband. We both were enjoying the baby and wanted to show her to Br. Joe in Revival meetings going to be conducted in Vijayawada.  When we met him I  enthusiastically to showed the God given Baby to him. Joe uncle realized the seriousness of my situation, he did not accused me as the fanatic sisters did,  but gave me warning that I should take rest, complete rest on bed , realizing that I became very weak due to much work , he exhorted my husband, like this,  ‘How come you are so hard hearted?  Do you want to lose your wife?  Give her full rest, one full month Should not get down from the bed”. He was serious and instructed us severely.
Turning towards me he asked me,   ‘hey girl are you taking boiled water?" I answered him, I stopped to take after six months of my delivery to the baby. He sternly asked me why I did so? I answered him "they told me that I need not take boiled water any more after six months.----- "who?" He almost shouted at me, I replied meekly "My sisters-in-law" He was visibly very angry and said " You are behaving like a village girl,  do you know which organ affects when you are with this disease?”  When I told him its liver,He asked me again, "where is that organ'? I showed him on my upper right portion of my abdomen above my stomach. he looked at me straight and told me that, You must take rest, do not get down from bed for one month, I will pray for you" He was visibly very much irritated for our carelessness of my health as an feeding mother, and ignorance of common principles of health measures, like drinking hot boiled water.
With this he dismissed us, after a brief prayer for my baby and for my health,  he was much annoyed by our ignorance of the seriousness of the disease.  So by then we both realized the gravity of the problem, we came down from the blindness of too much of Utopian faith.   We decided to go to my parents’ home because with all these problems and responsibilities I cannot take rest, I was on earned leave after the birth of my daughter. It was 1982 January.
So I left for Vizayanagaram to stay with my parents.   I was on bed, but my disease increased much more. My eyes became yellow like turmeric powder, my arms and legs became like black dried up sticks,  I had red clots of blood on the body,  as  I was giving breast milk to my daughter at that time, even the milk turned up into yellow colour, with bile , my bed my blankets also  became yellow.. I could not take anything, nothing sustained in my tummy, my urine was brick red colour, even a cup of water, was being vomited with green bile... like a bucket of green water.  As I was not able to get up or even to sit up for a while, my dad used to lift me up with his two arms with the help of the orderly and keep me in the jeep to take me to the doctor. I lost much weight. The shadow of death was hovering over me. Whoever came to visit me they were talking in whispers, and shocked to see me skeleton frame of the body.
At this juncture, my parents my relatives lost all hope for my life, I too knew I was going to die soon, because I could not get up or sit also and became like a corpse.  I entrusted my daughter to my mom and dad telling them they need to take care of my baby after my death. My husband was in Vijayawada, we did not have mobiles or phone facility, so he used to write one or two letters to enquire of my health, and that he was praying .
One day I  laid down on my bed, and I could not sleep, since three months,   so I was listening to the word of God in Radio every morning R.R.K Murthy's messages were a source of solace to me, the songs in Viswa vaani were so enchanting and I was learning those songs, on my sick bed especially the song "Aparaadhini Yesayya"  ( I am a sinner, be merciful to me) and also reading a number of biographies, one of those was Br. Andrew-God’s Smuggler,   in that book I read that the man of God claimed one promise from the   Psalms 41:3 when he himself was was sick. The verse was like this.  “The Lord sustains them on their sick bed and restores them from the bed of illness”  He was sick and then he was healed, The Holy spirit at once told me that I too need to claim the same promise.
I said to the Lord loudly with feeble voice,” yes Lord, I believe this verse and I pray and thank you for you are going to heal me completely.”   Thus I prayed and slowly went into deep sleep. That night I slept wonderfully, morning I knew that some great miracle happened in my body, I got up without anybody’s help went to the bathroom and found my urine colour changed to lighter shade. It was a miracle.
I got up from the bed and sat on a chair in the sunny shade of light at the kitchen and    I told my dad, ‘dad please send a constable to come and collect the urine to test in police clinic’,  Later I kept it in a bottle and put it in a plastic bag and handed overit to him.   The doctor was surprised and asked him to collect again after two hours, and the shade of the urine became much lighter than before.  By evening the colour of my urine changed to fully as water.  It was a miracle... My parents especially my dad was astonished along with the doctor, but I knew it was the promise of God which healed me.
Psalm107:20    says, He sent His word, and healed them .He did it by His word.”  He sends His word and heal us…!!! Miracles happen by His word.--This promise once again fulfilled in 1993 in our life. again in 2010; once in case of my son, and another in my own case .
3) There was a time, when I was accused that  I became a backslider after I became mother, that I was not taking Sunday school and I was a little late to Wednesday and Saturday prayer meetings, and going quickly from Sunday worship etc etc. They started to give lessons to me about back sliding nature and its abomination in the sight of God.
I was taking care of two small children who were  2 and 1/2 years old girl and 1 year old boy,  I used to take care of them  much,I need to see about sterilized milk bottles, milk powder, cereal powders, and special food for the girl,while I was giving mother's milk to the boy and  special food for all of us,  my sisters-in –law,  three of them were staying in our house, going to college their queer food habits giving me a great deal of stress , their fuss over food, clothes fees to paid in college, books, etc were every days problems in the home.   all this cost my finances, and my strength and my energy.  It was the time, I was accused left and right by the senior sisters, that I was backsliden in my spiritual activities, I became lazy in the matters of church,  so on and so forth.  This hurt me very much even after my hard toil in home and outside, I was accused like this.  Who is there to listen to all our sighs of the heart, who is there who knew every secret tear on our pillow, in the darkness of the night. I cannot share all this to my husband, because he would be unhappy as its the issue with the family members non -cooperative movement and partial treatment of the senior sisters by involving into my family matters.
This burden was eating me day and night  One fine morning as I was going through my daily reading of my Bible   I stopped at this verse  Isaiah 40:11   “He shall feed His flock like a shepherd. He shall gather the lambs in His arms and carry them in His bosom, and shall gently lead those that give suck. He will lead the weak and the milking mothers of little ones”---I was weak,  I was the one feeding my breast milk, I had little children “.Who will give such comforting words to us, except our great friend, Jesus?  He knew the predicament of mine, my weakness, my toil  in the home
That restored my faith again, those words of encouragement and comfort sustained my faith again, otherwise I would had sunken into deep depression by accusations, and blaming without any reason.  What we have to do when we are mistreated and misunderstood?  When the situations are beyond our repair, there is SOMEONE there all ways to understand us, no matter what happens in our life; He can understand, and He will give right word of comfort to heal us. We know why He does it? So that we can go to others who are suffering like us, to comfort them with the same comfort we received from Him 2 Cor 1:4
4) THIS is another very secretive womanly temptation and test that I need to face very awkwardly and I need to see how terrible it is to be tempted to such extent, I was tested because   I need to understand how a woman would face certain problems, and if the word of God do not support her, she is prone to commit sin.  I could still stand smiling here just because the word of God helped me to take the test, and stand still in His comfort.
By God 's grace I was the only one who could apply one year earned leave when my daughter was born and One year half pay leave when my son was born.. And one year leave on loss of pay . In college history, it was a miracle in my case.  How I got those only God knows, He intervened and made me happy to stay with the children when they were young infants. Which was /is not possible to anyone then or now or after.
That day I went for general check-up, usually they say, as long as mother’s milk is given to the baby, there won’t be any fear of having another pregnancy.  So I was just enjoying the leave I had, that year.   But when I went to the general check up to the Lady gynecologist, I was shocked to hear her verdict.
‘You are again pregnant”
“what? It can’t be W. I am still giving breast milk to my baby.”
She laughed at my ignorance,  and said, “It’s not true,”
I was  surprised,  and said,” but I do not want to have another baby, no not at all,  Are you sure I am pregnant?”
“  I am sure of it, knowing your biological conditions, and history of your monthly cycle, 99% you are pregnant”
I could not talk for a while, I went outside and called my husband who was waiting for me” at the end of the corridor I told him the situation, he too was shocked, seeing our predicament, the Doctor was kind enough to tell us,
If you do not want the third baby…” Before she finished her sentence we both at once said,
-“No Doctor, we do not go for abortion” This time she was the one who was surprised and said,- “Then what shall we do?  Okey I will give a particular injection, it will help you to get your regular menstruation if you are not pregnant”   I could not understand her..-.
” If I am pregnant?” -
“ It will sustain”-
“Then why this injection”/-
“It is only to induce menstruation if it is stopped by any other reason.-- “
Oh, if that is the reason, I could wait for it till I get.”--
Yes you could” but in order to get rid of your anxiety whether you are pregnant or not, this injection will help you(progestoron).” -
Ok doctor now I won’t take, tomorrow I will be going to my parents’ home, Vizag, there I will think and go for it,  just prescribe it .” -
She said, I have some of the injections with me here, take one and decide whether you want to take it or not later.”  With that she bid us good bye.
With heavy hearts we came out of the Railway hospital. W    e both could not speak to one another. I have so many thoughts, running very fast, I was  already on two years of earned leave,  hoping that I would be free to be more dutiful in college,  without any interruptions of family life,  Hoping that I would be so, I was given leave , now how can I  show my face to the principal, as it is since four years,  I was on my family way, and could not concentrate much on my classes as I used to be, now again I have to  go like this?
Went home, and a sort of dead silence reigning over us.  No smiles,, no jokes no songs in the home. I was standing in the balcony, right in front of me in the back yard of my friends house who were living on ground floor, beneath our floor, I saw papaya tree with ripened fruits, a rash thought flashed in my mind, ‘If I eat one, it would help me to get rid of this, it would clean my uterus, they say’
                                                   “Hello Satyavathi garu!” I called her, she came out of the kitchen into the backyard, and  --- “Can you give one papaya?” --“ Oh why not? Surely I will give, my attender will bring it to you” she assured me with a smile.  Within 10 minutes the much wanted papaya was on my dining table.  My Kitchen knife was in my hand, and I was about to cut it to eat, the whole of it to get rid of this unknown fear and anxiety, unhappiness. But my hand did not cut the papaya, I was standing like a rock staring at that fruit on my table.   ‘ I can’t do this.  I just cannot do this’, I turned back holding the fruit with my hand and threw it beyond the compound wall into the garbage.  I sat in a corner of the room and cried aloud. ‘Oh Lord forgive me, and I cannot bear this”
That evening we started to go to Vizag, we could not have any usual jokes or songs..  Mechanically we traveled, to Vizag, reached by afternoon, after lunch and rest ,  we went out for evening walk,  the injection given by the railway doctor in Vijayawada, was still in my hand bag, while we were walking I saw on my right side, a clinic, of a  gynecologist  -  “ Emandi, shall I get another check up with this doctor?”  He said, “Yes Leela, certainly, lets go.”   This doctor also checked me and said the same thing as the doctor in Vijayawada.  I asked her about the injection recommended by the other doctor.  She said, the same answer as the other one.  And advised me to take the injection to get rid of the anxiety.   But  I said,’ thank you doctor, I won’t take this injection if it is only to induce menstruation,  if I get I get, I won’t try for it, it may affect the baby if I am pregnant’.  She did not answer me negatively and said it could be possible.   ‘Then I won’t take this doctor’. - ‘As you wish’ she smiled.- ‘How much fees I need to pay Doctor?’,   “ No need mam, and it’s ok.  Do not worry”.she replied.   “Thank you Doctor .
We both came out with much more burden in our hearts, but I have some peace in my heart, Whatever happen I won’t try any other way, I wait upon the Lord till I knew whether I am pregnant or not, if it is , ok I will “
While we both were walking back I sought for the injection in my hand bag, felt it and took it out, and threw it on the heap of garbage on the side of the road Without another thought.  We still were not talking to each other, because both of us were sorrowful.
After the dinner, we went to our room, and sat in a corner, to pray before we retire to bed.  I still remember what I prayed, “ Lord you know Lord, if it is another pregnancy,  I have to have not only shame on my face in college,  I have to have those baskets of loads of clothes and milk bottles, cereal tins, hot water flasks, and napkins ,rubber sheets for the babies etc. etc.on my shoulders... and the babies in my arms. If there are three babies,  The life would be much worse than now. Lord but it’s up to you, if you think I could take all this burden once again in my life it’s up to you.  But it’s not my will but yours…Even so Father..They will be done !! “   He too prayed more or less the same way, submitting our will to His will. Later we opened the Bible just to read any portion from the Bible, there I saw the Psalms 81, We started to  read one sentence and I read the next,  when I came to the verse 6^th verse, --Its written  like this, --“He says, I removed  the burden from their shoulders; their hands were set free from the basket. In your distress you called and I rescued you, I answered you out of a thundercloud; I tested you at the waters of Meribah”  ----At that very moment suddenly there was a great shot in my uterus, it was so sharp and so painful, I cried aloud and shouted all in a sudden. The pain was so sharp, I could feel some flow was out of me. I stood immediately and said,” I will go to the washroom” and rushed to it, and came out with all beams of laughter on my face.  “ Emandi you know I am not pregnant”  I was literally laughing. His face lit into hundred watts bulb.
And we both read the same verse again,   how meaning full it was, how clearly God spoke to us.
 “ I removed the burden from their shoulders,(   Isn’t this I prayed, I cannot have another burden on my shoulder, again another baby on my shoulder?)
“Their hands were set free from the basket?”( Oh did I not pray  about that basket of milk bottles, milk powder, hot water flasks cold water bottles, the heavy luggage wherever I go?)
“ In your distress you called …( oh yes in my distress I called Him)-,
and I rescued you, I answered you out of a thundercloud,  { At that very moment I felt  a great hard thud kicked into my uterus Oh My, it was exactly the same, it was like a thundercloud in my uterus, a loud thud in my belly, I felt it, I cried loudly, even with pain) …
“ I test you at the waters of Meribah”… (wow, so it was the TEST of God to me…)
“ Oh Lord you are so great, you helped me to stand for the test, you helped me to go through this test, and it’s the test, its Meribah... It was my place of test, my distressed place, and God gave me victory by not falling into sin, by distrusting Him.
Thus the Lord of Hosts,  helped me in my temptations, tests and trails,  He has given triumph over the sickness, accusations, and tests. Who got such wonderful God like ours.  Women are weaklings, they have to be taken care by their male partners, but often they are neglected, and exploited by the relatives, friends, and other well wishers, too. In times of such trails, the word of God and His comfort gives joy and peace, and victory in life.
5) At another time I was longing to serve Him, there were many constraints upon me, which were meaningless, put to humiliation, just because I am an woman, I cannot take a meeting for women without permissions, I cannot go out and conduct prayer meeting unless I have permissions, I waited many many years, I was vexed with being submissive to my core, I was frustrated, very much, and crying in the presence of God to serve Him, It was beyond my endurance, I prostrated at His feet, and poured out the unjustful treatment wherein I am cut off the fellowship of worshiping along with other friends of mine, It was too much to bear, I wanted to serve Him , and worship Him whenever I want. One day I cried in the presence of God and He had given me this verse which gave me great comfort .I cried aloud, O Lord why this is like this, why I cannot worship you with friends of mine whenever I like? Job 16:19  "Also now, behold, my witness is in heaven, and my record is on High"  That gave me great comfort, now The Lord has given me opportunities to be His witness to different countries. People from different countries come to me to listen to the testimony I have for the Lord. China, Ethiopia, UK, USA, Middle East, North India, etc etc. Its the work of the Lord. God loves women just as a father loves his daughter. So do not be discouraged by rules of the place, open your mouth wide and ask Him that you want to serve Him, and He will use you, wherever you are.
I 'm only human, I;m just woman
Help me believe in what I could be, And all that I am.
Show me the stair way, I have to climb- Lord for my sake
,teach me to take,  One Day At a Time....
For Chapter 5A CLICK HERE

when_God_Guides : Four questions (3)

  Four Questions(:3)
I will stand at my watch and station myself on the ramparts: I will look to see what He will say to me, and how He will answer my complaint" Habakkuk 2:1
 I wrote 4 questions on the back page of my Bible.
I sat in His presence.. wrote the questions after my supplications and prayers.  The gist of prayer was written in 4 questions.

                1)   Lord, Should I work or not? Is it YOUR will to continue to work?

                2) Lord If you want me to work, where should I work? In Vijayawada? Or Eluru?  In  Maris Stella? Or   St. Theresa's college?

                3) Lord, If you want me not to work , can I sustain the same faith as of now? in spite of  any financial problems I may have to face?

                4)  Lord , If you want me to work,  Please provide me a HELP to carry on the work with  my little children.

St.Paul said,"I will pray in Spirit and I will pray in my understanding."--1 Corinthians 14:13
Those were the four questions, which changed the pattern of my life till   you remember those questions were asked in the year, 1985.....   and there were very important land marks in 1985(job in Eluru, call for the Ministry) itself, in 1986 (a machine) and in  1991 ( HELP),and 1994 House)and in  1997 (Prayer House) too basing upon the same promise given at that situation.Once the guidelines given and in it the promises for further life, and call for His ministry were hidden. I have claimed those promises again and again in two or three situations in future too.
God's children often remind God of His promises, and claim the promise He made to them again and again. This I learned from the prayers of King David. His Psalms were my lessons to pray.
God was  reminded again and again about His promises,  His people  remind Him of His promises and request Him to fulfill them again and again.
                  Read the prayer of David, in 2 Sam 7:17-29
                        1. You have spoken about the future of the house of your servant.
                        2.for the sake of your Word, and your will
                        3. and keep your promise   , do as you promised
                        4. You have revealed this   You said you will build a house for you.
                        5.You have promised these good  things,
                        6. For you YOU Sovereign Lord, have spoken....
How David was reminding God about His promises, he was begging God to fulfill those promises in his life.   My eyes are welled with tears, to remember the faithfulness of God.  He promise and He fulfills, we have to remind Him in our prayer about those promises.  Not that He forgets, He wants us to remember and pray about them and talk about them.
 Yes, when God says, YES, it is YES all ways,( for all God's promises are fulfilled in Christ with resounding YES, and in Christ, and so through him the AMEN( which means Yes)is spoken by us to the glory of God."2 Cor 1:20)  How many times you claim that promise, when and how you claim that promise is up to you ! You will know how God fulfills His promises again and again when we claim  those promises.
I set apart certain days for fasting and prayer.  God told me previously that His eye will be on us from the beginning of the year to the end of the year.  on Dec 31st  1984.  now it is 1st of January 1985, or if I take my academic year i.e.,from March 31st ,1985 to March 31st 1986  Therefore I sought for the presence of God , in prayer and supplications. As the days to give my acceptance to join in the colleges are nearing, I though I better to start prayer from January for the next academic year.
The first question was like this. 1) Lord tell me, should I work or not, your servants told me to resign the job, but you told me to apply leave for one year as 'leave on loss of pay'.  Now soon the days come to an end. Tell me, should I seek to work or not.---This was the gist of my prayer First of all should I work or not. that is the question ,to be answered by Him ,   within the first few days I got the answer for this question. Philippians 4:6, 7 answered me aptly. "Do not be anxious about any thing but in every situation,by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. and the peace of God which transcends, all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. When we pray, seeking His will, His inner voice echoes in our heart, and His peace engulfs all over, our thoughts, and our heart.. and we can recognize His voice.Its so clear crystal.  Cant be cheated, in recognizing His voice, His sheep know it and they follow Him. They do not follow. Now my mind is at rest which is beyond to explain with His peace, Only those who pray and get this Peace of God which transcends , all understanding, which guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus  know what I felt that moment. And how I got answer by listening to His voice , my Shepherd voice was telling me," Yes Leela  You are going to work"  John said, His sheep knows His voice,  No one can cheat any body about this voice, the result of such prayers would be the sign of God. John 10:27--The answer was RESOUNDING YES.  Yes I am going to work. That was finalized.
I continued my prayer anxiously, with great confusion, because every one had some piece of advise for me ,whom to believe, whom not to believe, each one has their own reasons to convince me of their view one advise for me,  some are telling me to resign the job in Eluru and settle here in Vijayawada, some are advising me not to do so.   finally.  Next come next questions. Seeking His will never put us in shame.  I took my Bible to the last page , and put my finger on the second question.
2. Should I work in Eluru, or in Vijayawada?
I was praying for the answer , no answer for me. But I waited in the presence of God, till He answer me.  It was January 13th night,  I was alone in my front room, on a mat,  with my Bible and prayer book, and songs book.  knelt and praying, only one question thumping out of my heart. "Lord tell me where to work.  I want to know your clear guidance. You tell me what to do, what to choose, you know the best for me, I want your best, Lord, not my thoughts, nor the thoughts of any one, My future you decide. I trust in Thee Lord. You talk to me."
It was 12:05 in the mid night, I was led by the Lord to read that day daily portion from the Bible,  I was reading Numbers, 30 chapter, next 31 chapter, then I came to 32 chapter,  the verses were going on like this.
Read this chapter from the very beginning, do not miss one sentence there,  I quote only a few here to high lighten the message from God to me.
See the verse 4th, last part of it,  "Let this land be given to your servants as our possession.  Do not make us cross the Jordan."  You remember very well the promise God has given me on that watch night service,  Deuteronomy 11 chapter, 11 to 13.  "The Land you are crossing Jordan, is in possession is the land of mountains and valleys..."Crossing the Jordan,  important  word, here , to me, in Numbers 32 chapter What children of Reuben and children of Gad are saying now," Do not make us cross the Jordan"  5th verse. so I believed God wants me to go back to Eluru. but from the verses 6th to 15th verse, Moses scolded them left and right,  "you brood of sinners, you are discouraging the others, from going into the land ,  this is what your fathers did when I sent them, ..you will be the cause of their destruction with your bad example"   The wrath of Moses,we knew, he did not spare them a bit.
My heart sunk into the depths of the earth, I dare not lift my eyes unto the Lord, but I was keeping on reading the next few verses, with great fear in my heart.  I set my heart to listen to God to know His verdict whatever.To my great surprise,  the children of  Reuben and the children of Gad were undaunted,not  cowards, they were still pleading Moses in verse 16 to 19th verses.  What were they saying, " We will build pens for our livestock  and cities for our women and children.  It does not mean that we do not do the work of God, we are ready to arm ourselves and go ahead ... meanwhile our women and children will live in fortified cities, for protection from the inhabitants of the land.  we will not go or claim anything on the other side of the Jordan , but we will have inheritance to the east side of the Jordan.  Did you see East side of the Jordan.. is Eluru...!!   And my heart was thumping. louder and louder, what would  Moses  say now.. what will be the answer  about their request?  Anxiously I proceeded further to read the rest of the chapter.
Moses was telling them like this"  If you will do this--If you will arm yourselves for the battle, armed over the Jordan, You are free from your obligation to the Lord. ( Now I know even though we go to Eluru, we are supposed to do the work of God both in Vijayawada and in Eluru, I should be concerned of the ministry there and a helping hand to the evangelist Eluru This is a CALL to us to work in His Kingdom. )Moses was telling them still  "If you do not do this  you will be sinning against the Lord, your sin will find you out.  All right?   Build cities for your women and children(house) and pens(backyards)for your flocks ,( Church) but do what you have promised." But this I did not know then, I did not know about the house and the church, but I claimed this promise about the house in 1991 and about the church place in 1994.
I sighed loudly to my heart's content. Now I know God's mind in my case. I need to go back to Eluru.. That middle of the night I still continued my Bible Study But still I go further, in my study of that wonderful chapter,  which I never did give much heed to these words, before, except the verse, Your sin will find you out in Sunday messages or children retreats, or Revival meetings.  I never knew there was such a big story attached to this verse. I read this chapter a number of times before but never it was so VIVID and clear to my vision. The next verses were like this again, so they said again to Moses, we your servants will do as our lord commands,Our children and wives, our folks and herds will remain here in the cities of Gilead."--------
NOW I knew  we are going back to Eluru and I am going to join my job in St. Theresa's college.  My children will live in fortified cities of the land,  St, Theresa's school is  a fortified safe place for my children to study. I am going to join my children in the school, and I work in the same premises , in the college.  I knew this.    So with lighter heart, I retired to the bed and got up from my bed with a song in my heart.  Praising God.
As usual I was busy in the kitchen, hot water boiling for drinking purpose as well for  baths, on Railway coal, which was cheaper for lesser price, was a  great tedious work for me.  I prepared breakfast and sent him to the office and sat with my Bible once again to read the same chapter again and again. As I was reading it I found the message was so vivid and clear.  Then I thought If God is telling me to go back what about the children of God from HQ, shouldn't they also tell me to go back?  I prayed about this and went to do other mundane things  and to prepare lunch with extra love for the family..  When my husband  came for lunch while he was eating the food, he said, " Leela  I wonder where we will be next year"  You see we were enjoying our stay here in Vijayawada, though we did not have much money.  His salary was almost half of mine, but still we had peace and joy in home.    I thought in my mind," where we will be?  certainly in Eluru"  I half loudly blurted it out too.  He was astonished but did not say anything.    But some wonderful thing happened then, before he finished his meal, the postman was there at the door, I got a card from the same sister who asked me to resign the job.
Its written like this," Leela, I talked about you to amma(mother) and,anna(brother) both wanted me to tell you, that you should go back and join your job in Eluru"-----Praise God I shouted spontaneously, and ran to my husband and almost hugged him and showed the post card to him.  Our joy knew no bounds,  No one can understand my joy how God's answer fulfilled in my life so quickly. It was nothing but a miracle.
The Third question of Faith to lead life was tested and passed through the fire of  that past year only with one salary , that too half of my salary. He tested our faith walk with HIM and we were came out victoriously. The next question jumps to the 4th question now.   Will I have a 'HELP'   to take care of my small children  while I work in Eluru.  Yesumani accepted voluntarily  to come with us and be our help till we settled our life afresh again in Eluru. She had been with us for long time till we needed her. I owe to her much.        This helper part again fulfilled in 1986 January, and again in 1991 wonderfully as  machine and man respectively.

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength

They shall mount up with wings as eagles

They shall run and not be weary they shall walk and not faint

Teach me Lord, Teach me Lord to wait.