Suicide = a dark feeling=Euthanasia (Series No 5)

Why people want to commit suicide? Anger, and shame are the reasons for it? Sometimes there would not be any reason, it would be just a temptation. Its a darkest thought which pursue you to do a harm to your body , forgetting that you have a soul.
I was 15 years old, I do not know what made me to eat poisonous fruit I found at an idol temple I went along with my friends, that is Pedda Kaakaani, near Guntur.
I ate those yellow fruits( pachcha ganneru kaaya) knowingly that people die if they eat them.
I got terrible pain in my stomach, there was terrible bleeding, my parents thought I had regular periods of every month. But I know what I had done. I had many horrible vomitings,I did not have any reason to do such an act. Some evil force made me to eat and test myself whether I would die or not.
I do not know why God spared my life then, even though I did not know Him, but I think I whispered a desperate prayer to Jesus to save me. And He saved me.
later never did I tried such thing in life.
But as I observe people who commit suicide, the reason behind their acts was a feeling of boiling anger. They want to take revenge on the person who cheated them, or who humiliated them or who misused them. Because they could not commit a murder on that person, they commit a murder on themselves.
Some people think that the world will open its eyes, or their loved ones will come to know the truth, and understand them better, or some times they think that they are taking a good revenge on the people who could not understand them.
But what a foolish thought, people forget within a few days, for what they have taken their lives. People consider such suiciders as cowards, and useless people.
Those who are left behind they live their normal lives forgetting for what their friends commit suicide. Human tendency is such. History repeats all ways. and History is forgotten by the public very often. The memory of the public is very short. People never like to remember the stupidest things like these. They go forward. So the aim and purpose behind the suicide is nullified.
I feel ashamed of myself for committing such an act of foolishness. Nobody knows about this, not even my own mom or dad till now. I myself forgot about that completely till now. But one thing I believe, that Loving and compassionate God has a special purpose in my life. He was with me in my foolishness, in my utter, uselessness. and in my loneliness, in my paths of life all ways, His inner voice was there all ways to guide me and lead me.therby my soul sings this song, "Thy loving kindness is better than life, ..."
Never and never I felt this thought of suicide again till recently, One dark night, when I was really sick, and when I tried to look forward into my life, I was started to think about the act of "Euthanasia"
I was just thinking about my end days, my old age yet to come, my helpless uneven years ahead. As my both children are too far from me, I was thinking how it would be if I join in an old agehome, if I live longer, ( God forbid)!! How about if I became terribly sick and hospitalized, how if I donate my eyes, my heart, ( if they are in good condition on my death bed) and how about if I ask my doctor to give me permission to opt for euthanasia? That is mercy killing , not suffering much with any disease.. uhm.. Can this old age is so fearful? Can I have a gentle death? How this euthanasia would be administered on me if in case the permission is granted to me.Oh God, help me, from these dark thoughts.. help me to dwell in thine sanctuary of peace and rest.
I am wondering sometimes, thinking about the stalwarts of the Bible. King David my favorite Hero of the Bible, Abraham, Moses, Daniel,isaac, Joseph, Jacob, wow, all these people lived for God and they were heroes of the ancient days, but they too died. what was their end.. how they faced the death.. was it gentle, or did they suffer..at the end.. We know about Moses, he was just not there, whether he died or not .. where is his grave .. all that we do not know. David was so cold at his last days, he shivered, and died lastly. umm we know that Abraham and Daniel died at the prime age of full years of life . how they died we do not know. Joseph had his last wishes, and Jacob had bestowed his last blessings so was with Isaac who blessed all his children knowing that he is going to die. oh will I know when death is going to come to me.. and can I be prepared aptly for that event...do not know... Oh if only God would let me know of it, and so my prayer is "oh lord let me know the end of my days, and help me count the days of my life to the end.."

Endless company of Loneliness( Series No.2)

I realized that Loneliness would never leave me alone, It is there always waiting to cuddle in my bed, dine with me, sing with me, laugh with me , shed tears with me, and even go for long walks with me. Oh its just foolishness on my part to try to avoid this companion who is never invited by me.
When i was young , the vigor, and energy, used to make me to indulge into many tasks to finish, so there was no time to think or brood over other things, because I need to concentrate on the work at hand, and by the time I finish the work I get tired physically and go to bed to take much needed sleep and rest. So there i never realized that Miss Loneliness was hovering over me somewhere to be with me.
But now as the days go by, and my pace and gait becoming slower and slower, and tasks at hand are being limited, and even the book reading , my favorite pass time and a hobby became scarce due to tired eyes, I found that I am left with plenty of time to brood over, doing nothing. There i find miss Loneliness is coming happily and sitting with me , leaving me not a minute .
oh well why shouldn't I make use of her in different way, in stead of trying to get rid of her all the time and end up with Mr. Depression and become more miserable than before? And why don't invite the company of Miss Loneliness and enjoy time with her?
yea I still remember , those lonely cold nights, where I just tying to fight with my sobbings, while I curled up my self on the same edge of the bed where my husband breathed his last, with same sorrowful thoughts devouring my shivering body and soul. I used to get up in the middle of the night, and move around, with lights on, and sit in the middle of the bed, and sob again, till I feel that there is no strength to shed tears any more. There is none to talk to, some holidays I just spend talking to none in my lonely home.
When my husband and children at home , I used to wait for the holidays, to do many many more things for the family. But now I am scared of holidays, husband is no more. children went away to distant lands for employment and I am left with my empty nest.. How can i escape Miss Loneliness? She giggles at me, smiles at me, and glares at me, some times peeps into my cold bed room politely asking to enter, while I see a funny movie in TV and laugh loudly all by myself.
Those were the earlier days of my lost of my husband, every body, every pastor was praying that "Bless this widow, (It used to hurt me so much, it used to stab me right into my heart, whenever they addressed me like that , I used to weep bitterly, because there the cultural curses are in that word of addressing , where I live) and they used continue to pray , "these orphans, who lost their father..."
( they used to pray like that about my children, ohh, it was terrible, what, my children are orphans? no no never. even if die , they are not orphans they have Father God who looks after them, and I know this is not the way how to pray for a woman who lost her husband and for children who lost their father. and they used to continue, telling me that, "hereafter God is my husband." I just cannot comprehend this concept, 'how can God be my husband? He is my Father, my Redeemer, my Saviour,
I remember that its written in the Bible also that He is the husband of the widow, but still I could not understand this. so I knelt down and bitterly cried to God , 'Lord how can you be my husband> how can it be , I cannot see that relationship with you, ours is intimate relationship..." as I was praying I got answer from Him, Yea, that relationship of intimacy, close love , real love, one in soul and one in body, and mind, ---and the way I used to obey him , the way I used to do everything only with his consent, that would be my relation with my God now. "
yea, there were many things I faced in my lonely woman/widowhood, people used to come and tell me, that my status is changed now and I need to sit in a corner and maintain my role. Sitting in a corner? this was told by a so called Godly man... what does it mean/ Can he tell the same thing to a man who lost his wife may be/ ? or to his own daughter? Is there separate rule for men? Has God set separate role for widow? The verses written in Bible about a widow were full of compassion , God took care of them in special way, even He told them that He would take care of them as their husband would and as a Father too. Because the society is humiliating them as they do even to day. He never put any rules to her.In fact His treatment either in case of Ruth the widow, or Naomi the widow was different, He was kind to reveal Himself to the prostitute Rehab, and Mary Magdalene, Only the later men who wrote about the widow in their days, put restrictions to her in every way possible. That even in their writings they called 'a woman as a widow only when she is above 60 years, I was only 47 and they started to call me widow.. and expected me to sit in a corner!!!They said that women should keep quiet , never open their mouth. But we do not follow it, why because , that verse is applicable to those days, in those churches, not to the modern woman. some other scriptures say that woman should not wear pearls and costly clothes, can any modern pastor wife agree with this? why not? because, those were the days, when women were expected to dress up like tents, never seen in public, nor they employed and economically independent.
It was the society of Patriarchal system in family set up.
Now the family system is more like on gender equality. When women were asked to shut their mouths in the church in those days, remember that Philip has four unmarried daughters who were prophetesses. Never you judge others according to your own understanding, especially according to the own narrow understanding of Holy Scriptures. Our understanding of the Scriptures is very limited. That is the reason One man of God in the Bible tells us, that "there is a scope of us misunderstanding the scriptures "so be careful ...
oh no, I who was teaching about the plight of women in this Indian culture, the social evils that bound women , like dowry, female infanticide, devadhasi system, joginy system, prostitution, gender inequality,rape, widowhood,peculiar problems of her sex , only India specially. should yield to this sort of humiliation? these so called pastors wives started to tell me in directly that I need to wear white saris, or pale colour saris to show the world that i am a widow. Enough shouted in my lonely room, I will never never yielded to this cultural curses upon a widow, I will never never do what they expect of me. My colleague a social worker like myself, told me that I should live according to the expectations of the society.
she started to tell me that husbands die because there is not much congenial atmosphere at home. Does she know how much I loved my husband and how much iIsacrificed my life for his comfort? oh how people try to devour you when you face a calamity in life.
So I rebeld against the society, and so called Christendom, My father when I was a little child of four years , he bought lip stick and nail polish for me and I used them through out my life. only after I entered a cult of religion I stopped them, even though i was expected to use them in my Air Hostess carrier .
So I revived my habit once again after the death of my husband, I am no more the wife of a man, but daughter of my father, who lovingly cared about me, I started to buy colourful saris, and gold bangles to make world realize that there are no restrictions for woman just because she is a widow. I was criticized, abused mentally, and looked down by many, but I never cared, not because I love this out ward appearance, but to show the world there is no restrictions for a widow , and i never yield to the curses of the society. A widow is considered as a bad omen in our society. How many times I was silently shut down by the social gatherings of our neighbors, because I am a widow. Many times I saw them turning back on my face because I was seen by them on the street, when they were going on some important errand, and they considered me as bad omen. In the beginning I was just lowering my eyes, humiliated, later I cared not their foolish acts, nor I showed my feelings to them.
when I was not given permission to join in Gideon organization because I was a widow, I opted for Rotary club, to which I was associated as a social worker in my student days, in Vishakapatnam. I was the only woman member in it. Again I was criticized for it, though it was a friendship and social service group. Later slowly other friends like Dr. Nirmala devi, Miss Lalitha, former retired lecturer, and many others joined this group, we used to have very good time doing social service activities in our Eluru town. But Christendom started to criticize me that I joined a "Club" which is something forbidden to a woman, that too a widow..
haha who cares?Do you think that I am a coward? No I am the daughter of my Heavenly Father, and He cares for me, and I do care what He cares. That is the principal of my life.( yes written long back.. nice to review and praise God for His benevolent guidance and protection in bringing me to His wings)