I HAD A PREMONITION (part 3)

29th August 2000 Changed my life. It is never as it was, all my dreams vanished. The life collapsed at one , within seconds.

The only man whom I loved and respected and honoured as Sarah of the old timeings, a man for whom I gave everything in my life, for whom I emptied myself to the dust. The man for whom I had exchanged my likings my hobbies as I loved him as the Lord confirmed that he was the one for me , to be my husband because I asked for a man who have "fear of God." is n 31o more.

All my exerise of being a model wife of Proverbs 31 ended abrubptly. There is no head in my life, the head is taken away. I am left with a body without a head. Tears were running down... unceasingly, there is no end to them. it started at 11:20 am on that day, and never stopped to this moment .. and I know they will never be stopped till I see him again in the presence of my Lord my Saviour.

I lost my prayer partner, my bosom friend who would come to my rescue whenver I am in need telling me, "Leela I am here for you" 21 years we lived together, never I woke up without thinking what I should I do for him that day, never I went to bed without seeing his comfort to take rest. Never I went to sleep without praying with him. We have two wonderful children, we both prayed for them, we both enjoyed their first cry, first smile first winnings in life. we took them with our hands trained them... now they are just teenage children, fatherless, leaving them to me alone he left. He knew how feeble I was, how ignorant I was, how dependent I was on him. I strated to be depend on him for every thing giving him the joy of the head of the family , later it became part of my personality. I stopped to me my own, I wanted to live the words of Ruth to her mother in law , and I lived those words to my level best.

His kind gestures, his patience, his examplary life as son, husband, son in law and pastor made an indelible print in my personality. I cannot regard any other man as I did regard him, because he was the only one of that sort. The song of solomon was right when it says, " I was next to next to my prince we were in a chariot; the chariot belonged to the King" I know he is my lover who is different from other men, He is better than other men in everything, honesty, uprighteousness, prayerful and loving and gentle... He was there for us all the time.. My nest was a great mansion where I lived like a queen with my husband, now I am left alone.

All that happened in a second, while we both were excited to work and toil in the King's Vinyard. my partner is taken away. There lies the gardent to be tended, I was there like a still statue staring at the people who come and pray calling me "this widow, ' and praying Lord merciful to this poor widow.'

Suddenly I was given a great nick name Widow , widow, my children Fatherless, Fatherless... people coming inside the prayer hall where I was sitting along with my husband... while he was away from all the toils of this world, peacefully sleeping, in everlasting arms of the Lover of his soul. He does not like he died, but he looked like he was sleeping peacefully without any disturbance. Which is very unlike of him. He would not sleep even a little sound is heard any where. People are talking around him but it does not disturb him. I was staring at him but I could not see any one or him. The tears made my eye lids swollen. I was there ... numb and still like a rock.


In the middle of the night , my dear daughter came inside , her eyes were in shock, she could not digest anything there, she came near me and hugged me. tears and tears... running.. what is happening. what is happening. Why it happend like this. What happened to the promise God had given me for this married life with this dear soul ?

I did the will of God, I asked for man of God, a man who fears God, and loves Him alone. And God assured me through the verse Isaiah 44 :26-- with so many wonderful promises for my marriage with this wonderful man... and what is this 27th verse which I never gave heed? it says, 'He says to the depths of the sea "Be dry and I will dry up your rivers" ????? What is this mean? and the 28th verse,, that the Jerusalem will be built again, my foundations will be lied down again...? No strength to understand any thing.. I was staring at the 27th verse... once again which escaped my attention in all these years... Is it His will be I become desolate like this and dry like this..?

Heart became like a stone, a hard stone.. nothing touches me... I was there ,but tears were flowing without any control of mine.

slowly I got up, along with my daughter stood nearby him, my son came and stood beside us... I folded my arms around both of their shoulders each in one arm and I prayed God loudly, " Lord , here I am and the children you have given to me, what are you going to do?" Repeating the same thing again and again, my heart was wrenching... and I stood there, and suddenly I heard a voice... " I will bless them"

I sat in a chair and took my Bible and opened it, I found the verse in Isaiah I was flipping the pages aimlessly, and I found the verse in 8:18 " Here I am and the children the Lord has given me. We are signs and wonders in Israel the Lord of Hosts who dwells on Mount Zion"

This verse, this single verse beaming at me, and shining upon my face.. I am reading and rereading the verse, and seeing the future kept for us by the Lord... Yes, When God wants to bless it would be a blessing forever. With heavy heart I went to a pillar and sat on the floor again. ( continuation..in next episode)

I HAD A PREMONITION... ( part 2)

    Yes I reached home by having a halt in between, at Mary Joshi house, sat in their verendah completely exhausted, too tired to walk further, something is going on in my mind, fully despired, Never I felt so much strained before, I asked, mary " Mary can u give me a cup of tea please?" " Ayyo amma, thappakunda" ( Oh Ma, surely I will give ) In fellowhip people call me sister, aunty or amma = ma )   she brought a cup of tea, I was telling her about another aunty who came to stay with us to spend sometime in prayer, I told Mary, "Please take care of her, she is living near your home so it is easy for you to see her needs."  she gave her consent.  Then I took leave of her, and started to go home, which was three streets away from her house.
slowly I dragged myself to home went and saw my mother was pounding red chilli powder with tamarind and coriander seeds, she told me" Son in law likes this poweder very much so I am preparing now" I told her " so he is still in the prayer hall? since morning?  I am also very tired ma, I will take a little rest and go and see what he is doing there"  Thus saying I went into our bed room and lied down taking the news paper, in hand.  I must tell  you something about this news paper which I never touched  for 8 years after that day.

My husband was so fond of the news paper, he was telling me that he was so fond of it, and in his school days as they do not have money to buy news paper he used to preserve those papers which were given in the pawn shop when they buy any things like salt, tamarind or jaggary etc and stretch those papers and read those papers.
 He was so fond of the news papers, he could not take his eyes from the paper once he took it into his hands. Many times I tried to distract him by telling him some thing,  but in vain. so now and then I tried to take away the paper from him playfully only to face unfamiliar wrath in his face. So not able to get his attention from him any way while he was reading the paper, I used to say that its look like he is giving more importance to the news paper rather than me.. Even then I could not succeed, so I was teasing him saying, "O  now you tied up the news paper to your face, and no one can come near to you, its more to you than your dear wife ( that is me)   Whatever , however I tried I could not distract him from the paper all those years.  So in turn I started to read the paper just to kill the time to show him how much irritating it would be if we read the paper while ignoring the person in front of us.  So he knowing my intention, and knowing very well that I was not reading the paper for much news, he used to taunt me saying the same words I used on him. like" O now you tied up the news paper to you face "
This was a game in between us for many years. which I tried to take such strainful situation in easier way.

Well, at that moment my mother came inside the house and sat in the sofa in other room. While I was trying to peep into the paper on my bed.  Then I suddenly heard the banging of the door at the kitchen, which was very unlike of him.  He was a gentle person, never would make any noise or shout,  so when I heard that banging, I told my mom,'mom can you go and open the kitchen door" Before she got up to go there was another banging in from of the house where my mom sat.  He was banging the door .. I thought he came in hurry may be to fetch any instrument which is needed in the House of God.  But within seconds he was in our room , I thought he was going to taunt me saying"O you tie up the news paper again to your face"  But instead I heard him saying, " Leela, I have reeling sensation."
In all my married life I never heard him telling me like that. He never complained about his physical ailments. I was the one who used to look into his face finds that he was tired and thereby giving him some thing to drink or eat before he become too tired.   He would never ask me for anything. I used to take care of him as my own eye.     So when I heard him telling me so, I got up at once and took him into my arms and made him to lie down.. saying," Oh you must had worked too much in the prayer hall, since morning." Thus saying I got 'Sorbatrite' tablet to put it under his tounge, I found that he was trying to grit his teeth hard, at the same time trying not to hurt my fingers in his mouth.  He was such gentleman. I found the gravity of the situation, I picked up the phone and called my friend who was doctor to come at once to attend my husband telling her that he never complains like this , and he is becoming unconscious..
John also came home as their college also was closed for that day, I shouted at him ," John bring glass of water." before he brings the water, I saw that he was slipping away, his eyes rolling up, I saw the wall text "You may ask any thing in my name  and I will do it" John 14:14    So I shouted aloud, Lord I ask of Thee give the life to my......husband.... before I finished that little sentence I saw him breathing his last... his eyes were rolling back I shouted Ymandi , Ymandi, no response... I tried to do mouth to mouth respiration, but no response.  I cried aloud, 'Ma he is dead"  Mom said, No don't say so, within seconds the people from the prayer hall gathered in the house, somebody brought a doctor next street, she came and said, 'take him to cordioligist" Sombody brought an auto I made him lie down in my lap Titus came along with me to the hospital.  The doctor gave electric shock and pronounced that he was dead 10 minutes before. I was crying and begging the doctor, to revive my husband. He answered me negatively. saying no use.
 It was 29th August 2000 at 11;20 am.  All is over. My life with my dear husband which started on 6th July 1979 at 9am ended abruptly. Everything stopped at once. I was in derailment. no words to speak. I came home. I called sis Kamala Paul and told her. somebody took the dairy and started to inform every one. I was with the dead body of my dear husband. What was  I saying , I did not know. somebody asked me where to keep him. I said "in the prayer hall , he loves that place."  Tears were unceasingly flowing.  People are coming and talking to me. I was not in senses. staring at  my husband. Is it real? did he really leave me? Nothing seems to be real.  At mid night my daughter came home, she was informed by my cousine that her dad was no more. and brought her home.  That was a shock for her. She started from home the night before with colourful dreams to achieve highest marks in her project submission, her dad left her at the railway station, she never thought that was the last look she had to see her dad.  Life is strange. John was not in this world.  he was moving around like a zombie.. nodding his head or doing things told.  no response, no tears. no reaction.  we were left alone. I cannot controle my tears now. I will continue what had happened later.   in next episode. part 3

James

JAMES

Gal 1:18, 19
Matt 1:25 Luke 2:7 Matt 13:55-56
Jesus brothers, James, Jose's, Simon, and Jude.
Jesus is the only begotten Son of God (john 3:16) but He was not the only begotten son of Mary. Seven or more children –five boys and at least two girls lived in the house of Joseph and Mary. He lived as the earthly son of both Mary and Joseph (Matt 13: 55, Luke 2:48) for roughly thirty years. He humbly worked as the son of a carpenter in the small village of Nazareth alongside His siblings.
But that is not at all how the Bible depicts our Lord's childhood.
Jesus appeared in every way to be like any other child. Luke 2:40 summarizes His physical and mental development in these words.
According Hebrews 5:* Jesus learned obedience by the things which He suffered. Hebrews 4:15 explain that He was in all points throughout His life tempted as we are, yet without sin... Even as a child, He suffered the constant temptations that come as children living in a fallen world---what the apostle John called' the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and pride of life) I John 2:16)
The difference between Jesus and others was not in normal development and its temptations. Those he faced like everyone (making Him a merciful and faithful High Priest who has been tempted with all the feelings of our weaknesses)
The difference was that He was completely sinless! Like no one who has ever or will ever live, He never had a bad attitude, never disobeyed His parents, never complained about dinner , never bickered within siblings, never lied, never entertained an evil thought, never gossiped about a friend or slandered an enemy, and never wasted a moment of time. And that was true of Him in every situation and form of temptation for His entire life. It was actually through those temptations, over which He always triumphed, that He learned experientially what it was to obey His heavenly Gather in everything all the time. Certainly this absolute holy perfection made Him both the favorite of His parents and the envy of His siblings. The fact that even His lifelong perfection did not persuade His brothers of His Messiah John 7:5 is evidence that they not only envied Him but resented Him.

The only actual, historical glimpse we have into Jesus' childhood comes from Luke 2" 40-52, why h describes His visit to the temple at the age we've. As they did every year, Mary and Joseph went to Jerusalem to celebrate the Passover, taking Jesus and likely their entire family with them.

After the Passover celebration ended, Joseph and Mary joined the caravan and began the return trip to Nazareth. Never having had reason to question Jesus reliability and responsibility, they simply assumed He was somewhere in the crow, probably walking ahead of them with friends or relatives.\\

Since Jesus was the child they never had to worry about, it was the end of the first days' journey before they missed Him. Mary and Joseph soon discovered that He had been left behind in Jerusalem. In Luke we see this dramatic scene , by the time Jesus was twelve years old, He had come to a full grasp of exactly who He was and why God had sent Him from heaven to earth. His answer to marry and Joseph, not at all intended as disrespect toward them, was rather a profound declaration that He knew His identity and His mission. By According to Luke 2:51, He continued to be subject to them, and in the eyes of his friends and relatives, He resumed regular life. The normalcy of Jesus' childhood and early adulthood is confirmed by the fact that when He began His public ministry, His former neighbors in Nazareth did not believe Him to be the Messiah or the Son of God. The familiarity with Him produced disdain in their hearts."Is this not the carpenter's son? They asked. "Is not His mother called Mary? And His brothers James Jose's, Salmon and Judas (Jude)? And His sisters are they not all with us? Where then did this Man get all these things?" Matt 13:55, 56. Because they had always assumed that He was a man like other men, even if more righteous, they refused to believe that He was, in actuality, the redeemer of Israel and the world.

Jesus' brothers were so set in their unbelief that as they watched His ministry, they concluded that the explanation for His outrageous claims was that He was "out of His mind" Mark 3:21 John 7:5] their unbelief was inexcusable. It demonstrated the truth of Jesus' declaration that á prophet is not without honor except in his own country, among his own relatives and in his own house." Mark 6:4. But on the other hand, their skepticism bore testimony to the true humanity of Jesus. Clearly, He had not performed any miracles for them while growing up. His miracle working did not commence until the start of His public ministry, which is why John 2:11 states emphatically that the turning of water into wine was "thru beginning of sings" that Jesus did.

In the face of all this the Lord's perfect life stood out as truly and mysteriously extraordinary—a dramatically sharp contrast to the behavior of James, Jose's, Simon, Jude, and their sisters. That such vivid testimony did not convict their hearts and convince them of His true identity is evidence that familiarity breeds contempt" and perfection generates rejection. Incredibly, the glory of God in Jesus produced jealousy in their mind attitudes that turned to scorn and disdain when Jesus began His public ministry. Through history, many younger siblings have resented the high standard of expectation set by the oldest child. But imagine a perfect older brother who never sinned! For the younger brothers of Jesus, their own sinful deficiencies were openly exaggerated by comparison to Him. Like all children, they were disobedient and fell into trouble (and were disciplined as a result) but Jesus never misbehaved. And they were likely hearing from their parents, especially Mary, about how they should follow the example of their older brother. There was plenty of opportunity for seeds of resentment and envy to be planted in their hearts.

Both times that Jesus' brothers are listed in the gospels, James is mentioned first, suggesting that he was the oldest00likely just a year or two younger than Jesus. As the second-born, James had lived with and felt the difference between himself and Jesus longer than his other siblings. After Jesus left Nazareth and began His public ministry, James became the leader of the family. Mary was clearly a widow John 19:26 27. If so James would have been the spokesman for Jesus' brothers... the one more active in voicing an attitude of criticism and unbelief. John 7:3—5

THE BELIEVING BROTHER

No indication is given in any of the four gospels that Jesus' brothers came to believe in Him during the years of His public ministry. But after His death, resurrection, and ascension, there is a dramatic and miraculous change. His brothers are present among the believers who have gathered in the upper room, awaiting the coming of the spirit at Pentecost. Accord to Acts 1:14 after Jesus ascended to heaven, the apostles "continued with one accord in prayer and supplication, with the women and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with His brothers. James, Simon, James, and Jude, no longer antagonistic, had come to believe in Him as Messiah and Lord.

What had produced this miracle? How had His recalcitrant brothers—and James in particular—come to saving faith so that they joined the ranks of those who followed Jesus? The amazing answer is found in 1 Corinthians 15, where Paul surveyed the post resurrection appearances of our Lord. 3---7 verses… After that He was seen by James, then by all the apostles. First by Peter, then twelve and over five hundred brethren at once, then James then by all the apostles.

Jesus personally appeared after His resurrection to James what a stunning reunion that must have been. Undoubtedly, it was the moment of James conversion and explains why he was among the believers in the upper room. He had seen the resurrected Christ and confessed his brother as Lord.

So James the stubbornly skeptical second born son of Mary came all the way to saving faith in his older half brother, the Lord Jesus Christ. Through a post0resurrection appearance. Thus a jam was there when the church was founded on the Day of Pentecost, and it would not be long before he would rise to a strategic leadership role. Jesus other brothers, too, became instrumental members of the early church. Jude, for sample, would write the New Testament epistle that bears his name. The New Testament does not reveal much about the personal life of James. He was from Nazareth, of course. We can guess that, like Jesus, he was trained as a carpenter under the tutelage of his father Joseph. As a Galilean, he spoke not only Aramaic but also Greek, which explains the excellent Greek found in his epistle. From Paul statement in 1 Cor 9:5we also learn that he was married. Although he had known Jesus for over three decades, he did not believe in Him until his risen brother graciously appeared to him and saved him. At the establishment of the church, James was poised for usefulness in ministry.

A PILLAR IN THE CHURCH

After the inauguration of the church on the Day of Pentecost, became the twelve apostles were frequently away preaching the gospel, James eventually became the preeminent leader of the church in Jerusalem. To borrow a contemporary team, he became its lead pastor. A couple of New Testament passages allude to the vital position into which James was placed. For example, three years after Paul's/ conversion, and about five years after Pentecost, the former Pharisee went secretly to Jerusalem to see some of the church's foremost leaders. Significantly he met only with Peter and 'James, the Lords brother Gal 1 18 19 several years later, when Peter was miraculously released from prison, he instructed the believers who had prayed for him to "Go, tell these things to James and to the brethren Acts 12{17 Because James had become the focal point of the church leadership at Jerusalem, any significant church related matters needed to go through him.

Jesus' friendship was made explicit at the pivotal Jerusalem Council, which settled a major theological controversy in the early church regarding the essence of the gospel. It was stimulated when in AD 49 after completing their first missionary journey, Paul and Barnabas came into conflict with legalistic teachers who insisted that Gentile Christians must practice certain aspects of Judaism in order to be saved. Acc to Acts 15:1, certain men came down from Judea and taught the brethren, "Unless you are circumcised according to the custom of Moses, you cannot be saved." These false teachers, known in church history as the JUDAIZERS, were combining the worse of the Mosaic Law with the grace of the gospel. As a result, they were destroying grace Rom 11:6 and preaching another gospel altogether Gal 1:8-9

The issue was obviously critical since it dealt with the very heart of the gospel and salvation. So a council was called, and Paul with Barnabas traveled to Jerusalem in order to meet with the twelve apostles and the church leaders in Jerusalem. With reference to this visit, Paul described James as one of the "Pillars" of the church Gal 2:9, alongside the apostles Peter and John.

Acts 15: 4—30 details the specific role James played in giving direction to the Jerusalem Council. After Paul and Barnabas related the salvation that God was granting to the Gentiles, as the gospel of grace was preached totem v 4 hostile Jewish legalists countered with these demands: "It is necessary to circumcise them, and to command them to keep the Law of Moses." V 5 That emphasis on works again brought the crux of the argument into focus. So" the apostles and elders came together to consider this matter"v6

A lengthy debate and discussion ensued, after which the apostle Peter expressed the decision of the Council== stating that all believers, whether Jew or Gentile, are saved by grace through faith alone. In verses 7—11 Peter explained,

Men and brethren you know that a good while ago God chose among us, that my mouth the Gentiles should hear the word of the gospel and believe. So God who knows the heart, acknowledged them by giving them the Holy Spirit, just as He did to us, and made no distinction between us and them, purifying their hearts by faith. Now therefore, why do you test God by putting a yoke on the neck of the disciples which neither our fathers nor we were able to bear? But we believe that through the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ we shall be saved in the same manner as they.

As Peter's statement makes clear, sinners are forgiven and reconciled to God through faith; Salvation is granted by God's sovereign grace, not by man's observance of the works of the Law.

When Peter had finished speaking, James also gave a response that carried the full weight of authority, not only because he was the leader of the Jerusalem church and the one presiding over the council, but because it was the Holy spirit who had guided the decision of the council v 28. James's words echoed those of Peter, rejoicing in the fact that the Lord had " visited the Gentiles to take out of them a people for His name" v 14 With the council 's decision finalized, James sent Paul and Barnabas back to a Antioch with a letter, informing the Gentile Christians of the Spirits' leading in their discussion.

The clear verdict was that salvation did not require them to be circumcised nor to observe the Law of Moses v 24

Even at this early stage in the life of the church, the gospel of divine grace had come under attack from those who insisted on a false system of legalistic works. The Holy Spirit used the leadership of the Jerusalem church to defend the truth about salvation. At the very center of that defense was James, the brother of Jesus.

James' prominence in the Jerusalem church is highlighted one at time in Acts 21:18 Almost a decade after the Jerusalem Council, Paul returned to Jerusalem around AC 57 This time he was to be arrested, imprisoned and eventually sent to Rome for trail But when he first arrived in the city, Paul meant with "James and all the elders" of the Jerusalem church to report what God was doing amount the Gentiles. Once again, we see James leadership position in the church clearly demonstrated.

James is not mentioned again in the record of Acts. But according to church tradition, he was martyred around Ad 62 When the Roman procurator Proclus Festus died, there was a brief time gap before the next Roman governor would be installed in Judea. During that transition period, the Jewish high priest took advantage of the lack of imperial oversight and had James arrested under the authority of the Sanhedrin. The notable Christian leader was then accused and convicted of breaking the law and sentenced to die. According to ancient accounts, James was thrown off the edge of the temple, then stoned and beaten to death by an angry mob.

In looking back over his life, it is difficult to overstate the static importance of James's influence. He led the infant church during a very tense and critical time. T eh church was newly born and emerging out of Judaism... Many Jewish Christians were still holding on to elements of their religious past such as going to the temple to participate in the ceremonies, festivals, and activities so familiar to them... but a shift toward freedom was slowly taking place. Moreover, believers were starting to reach Gentiles with the gospel. In so doing, they wanted to emphasize the liberty that exists in Christ, but without offending overly scrupulous Jews. Its little wonder that threw was confusion surrounding the law during this period of transition from Israel to the church

James ministry, along with the twelve apostles, was critical in setting the church on the right foundation. A major cornerstone in that regard came at the Jerusalem Council where Peter, James, and the other apostles and elders clearly affirmed the gospel of grace as the true gospel.

In many ways, James was the first model pastor. Unlike the twelve apostles, who eventually left Jerusalem to take the gospel throughout the world, James never left. He stayed with the church he loved, leading it faithfully for over thirty years until the day he was killed

His commitment to the flock under his care never wavered. He was characterized by commitment to the truth but also by compassion for the conscience of his fellow Jews who were still sensitive to the traditions of Judaism. That he had shepherd's heart is seen not only in how he cared for the church, but also in what he wrote—the epistle that bears his name.

WRITER OF SCRIPTURE.

Although there are several men named James in the New Testament, only two were prominent enough to be reasonably considered as author of such an authoritative letter as the epistle of James. The first possibility, James the son of Zebedee and brother of John, was the well-known disciple and apostle of Jesus. However, since Herod Agrippa I killed him before this epistle was written (Acts 12:2) he cannot be the author.

That leaves our subject, James the brother of Jesus and leader of the Jerusalem church, as the only viable candidate for authorship, and the weight of the evidence backs up that conclusion. His relation to Jesus and to the Jerusalem church put James in unique position of spiritual authority, befitting the author of this canonical book. Additionally, a number of unique linguistic parallels exist between James's speck in Acts 15 and the content of the epistle, strongly linking the two. And evidence from Christian leaders in early church history confirms that they believed James, the brother of Jesus, to be the author.

The epistle was written to Jewish believers who had fled from Jerusalem, probably in response to the persecution instigated by Herod around AD 55. The letter does not mention the events of Acts 15 and the Jerusalem Council, which suggests that it was written before AC 49. Thus James likely penned this letter in the mid= tolate-49. Making it the first New Testament book written, with Galatians written second (in the early 50)

Even a quick read through the epistle of James evidences its strong emphasis on application—a characteristic that reflects the shepherding heart of its author. In fact, from this letter, we can discern at least five notable character traits about James himself.

First, James was a man of true humility. This is evident because, although he was the son of Mary, the half brother of Jesus, and the leader of the Jerusalem church, he began his letter by describing himself simply as " a bondservant ( literally, slave ) of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ . James 1:1 He made nomination of his familial relationships or his prominent position in Jerusalem. Rather, he emphasized that he was the slave of God and of the Lord Jesus. What an amazing testimony, especially as a younger brother!! In the Old Testament, the term slave of God was considered a title of honor and privilege. Such notable men as Abraham, Moses, Joshua, David, and Elijah were called by that name—indicating their whole-hearted devotion and sacrificial service to the Lord. By assuming that title, James was identifying himself with those whose value and honor came not from them, but from eh one to whom they submitted.

Second, James was a righteous man. In fact, he is known in church history as "James the Just." Appropriately, the theme of righteous living permeates his epistle. In just five chapters, he packed fifty imperatives—repeatedly commanding his readers to embrace a life of submissive obedience to God and His Word. His letter stresses the application of truth, emphasizing the spiritual fruit that should characterize the life of every true Christian. As a pastor, James had seen the devastating effects of pride, anger, selfishness, favoritism, materialism, and divisiveness with the church. He wrote to warn his readers to avoid those sin-laden traps.

Third, James was loving pastor. He appears an s a man of great compassion and sympathy, especially toward the poor and destitute. He showed no tolerance for favoritism in the church; instead he encouraged unity within the body of Christ. The church, he wrote, ought to be a fellowship of rich and poor in which the needs of each are met and communication is characterized by heavily wisdom. There must be true oneness, as believers submit to their elders and faithfully pray for one another. He saw the church as a group of people who ought to humbly love one another. He even referred to them as his "beloved"

Fourth, James was a man of the Word and prayer (Acts6:4) His mastery of Scripture is seen in the fact that his short letter contains four direct quotes from the Old testament and more than forty Old Testament allusions. It also includes a number of pallells to the Sermon on the Mount, thereby echoing the teachings of Jesus. He urged his readers to listen to and obey the Word, and not tube forgetful hearers. His commitment to prayer is emphasized at both the start and end of his letter. In chapter 1, he instructs his listeners to ask God for wisdom in the midst of trials. In chapter 5, once more in the context of sickness and trials, he urges them to pray like Elijah did , being confident that " the effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much" ( James 5:16) Some ancient accounts report that James himself prayed so frequently that his knees became as calloused as those of a camel!

Fifth, James was a theologian. In his one letter, he provided a theology of suffering, a theology of sin and temptation, a theology of falseness, a theology of the demonic world, a theology of the law and faith, a theology of the church, and a theology of theology of God and Christ. He presented Christ as the Source of wisdom, the One before whom all men and women are humbled, the one who controls all history and human destiny, the coming King, and the great Physician. He further emphasized that God is one God, the Creator of the world, the source of righteousness, the object of worship, the guide in true wisdom, the sovereign ruler, the enemy of sin and wordiness, the leader of heaven's hosts, the judge of all, and the gracious receiver of those who repent.

Though it is only five chapters long, the letter abounds with both profound truth and personal application. Its tone is both personal and pastoral—as would expect from its author. James was amen who practiced what he preached, and who lovingly led that initial generation of believers in Jerusalem to do the same.

JAMES VERSUS PAUL?

Paul in Romans 3:28 explained " aman is justified by faith apart from the deeds of the law." He reiterated that same truth in Eph 2 and Titus 3 But in James 2:24 James concluded "that a man is justified by works, and not by faith only. " At first glance, it appears that Paul and James are teaching opposite truth. So how are believers to make sense of the apparent contradiction?

Paul was discussing the ESSENSE OR ROOT OF JUSTIFICATION (with regard to the believer's standing before God whereas James was addressing the EVIDENCE OR RESULTS OF JUSTIFICATION (with regard to the believer's life after conversation.) On the one hand, sinners are saved by grace through faith in Christ alone. That was Paul's point, and James agree with him (James 1:17, 18 in fact, that was the issue resolved at the Jerusalem Council in Acts 15. On the other hand, those who are truly saved will demonstrate in their lives the fruits of repentance; if their lives are fruitless; their profession of faith is false. That was James point, and Paul would have readily concurred with that (rom 6:1, 15) Paul and James were in perfect agreement with one another, they were merely emphasizing two sides of the same reality; faith and its fruit. As Paul explained in Eph2:8—10/

By emphasizing both FAITH AND THE FRUITS OF REPENTANCE. Both Paul and James were echoing the teaching of Jesus. Paul focus on Faith reiterated the truth of Matt 5:3: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for their sis the kingdom of heaven. "As the Lord told Nicodemus, "for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life (john 3:16 James emphsiadis on the FRUIT and the ring of Math 7; 21 Not everyone … who ... A few verse earlier, Jesus described human behavior with these words, you will know them by their fruits… matt 5:16 17

James and Paul declared that good works as the proof of salvation …not the means to salvation their meetings in acts 15 and 21 confirm the fact that any supposed contradiction between them exists only in the minds of the skeptics.

AN UNLIKELY HERO.

Like his neighbors in Nazareth Jaes was filled with incredulity and contempt when his older brother claimed to be the Messiah. His skepticism was not due to any imperfection he had seen in Jesus character, but rather to the normalness of Jesus childhood. Perhaps James had held resentment and jealousy, probably based on the striking contrasts between him seen in Jesus character, but rather to the normalness of Jesus childhood Perhaps James had held instements and jealously probably based on the striking contracts between him and his older sibling; those feelings of envy became fully charged when Jesus became a popular public figure.

But the Lord had plans for James. In an act of divine grace after His resurrection, Jesus personally appeared to James. In that act of profound mercy, Christ dispelled James doubt and derision, and he was radically transformed. Christ dispelled James doubt and derision, and he was radically transformed. When he appears in the book of Acts, he is a man with no contempt—but rather one who worships Jesus as his Lord and Savior. Ultimately, James loving loyalty to Jesus was so strong that he gave his life a martyr, rather than deny his brother as his Lord.

When the church was in its infancy, James was entrusted with a critical leadership role. As the transition took place from a predominantly Jewish church to a largely Gentile church, and as the apostles mastered from place to place, a strong leader was needed to provide wisdom and stability to the elders of the church in Jerusalem. James, in the spirits power, did just that.

In his ministry and writings, James is sometimes pitted against the apostle Paul. In reality, however, they were both contending for the same truth. Throughout church history the greatest theological thereat to the church has come in the form of attacks on the true essence of the gospel. That was the primary issue of the Protestant Reformation. It is a battle still being fought today. It was the major doctrinal debate of the early church. And James stands as a hero of providing godly leadership in the minds of that critical struggle and boldly affirming the gospel of grace, while also declaring that he Holy Spirit will produce righteous works in the lives of those people who are truly saved.

We began this chapter by asking what it must have been like to grow up with Jesus. On the flip side, we might point out that in eternity past Jesus Himself chose who his brother's sisters would be. As the Creator john 1:3 he predetermined the family in which he would live for thirty years. He actually created James to be His younger half brother, having also soverriegnly chosen him to be His spiritual brother Heb 2:11 Jesus even designed James with the qualities he would need so that he could be given to the Jerusalem church as their first lead pastor Eph 4:11

The Lord created, called, saved, and equipped James for usefulness in manifesting His glory. He does the same for all believers Rom 8; 29 Like jams; we were all filled with contempt and hatred toward God at one time. But if we have come to saving faith in Christ, wee too have each been forgiven and equipped for spiritual service we must feet to our faith. Faithfully living in submissive obedience to the Word of God. In such living, our own story will unfold to the honor of the Lord Jesus who is not ashamed to make us part of His family Rom 8: 16-17

SWEET TEENS

          It was the midsummer in South India, where I resided most of my life.  That was a small town, where beach gives cool breeze. But the summer was as hot as any part of the state. The sun was blazing in the sky, yet, I was enjoying the cool of the day in that old Police Inspector's Bungalow. They were built long back when British were ruling the country. They have bulky stone walls, and with sun proof Bengal tiles, the ceiling was too high, with teak logs from one end of the wall to the other. The doors were so big and there was no dearth of light or for fresh air.

         Our Bungalow was in the middle of vast green compound, with grassy land. There were five variety of Mango trees. The fruits were of rare veriety, like, Suvarna Rekha, Bangina palli, Rasaalu, (Ataulfo) Keitt, and Kent etc..

        My room was on one end of the bungalow, where I used to spend so many hours in reading, painting, or while listening to the radio. There was a table fan, on my table, chair, and a cozy bed with a mosquito net to evade any crickets or mosquitoes in the nights.  I had an attached bath room with large container called water drum, which was filled with water to its brim by the 'orderly' a police constable to work in our home.  

       My dad got a carpenter to build  a book shelf   (which is with me still with me  in my home) for me and I filled it  with full of English Novels of Pearl.S. Buck, Thomas hardy, A.J. Cronin, Denis Robins etc, and books of Telugu literature, and Novels of Muppalla Ranganaayakamma, Malathi Chandhur, Chalam, Viswanaatha Satyanarayana, etc. those were classical novels, except a few romantic novels of Denis Robins, where the heroin was all ways stunningly beautiful, but from a poor back ground comparing to the back ground of the hero. The story would rotate around the theme  how the hero woos her to love her and win her in spite of her moody rejections and hurdles at the end of the story. 

       Now a day’s many modern novelists like Yadhanapudi Sulochana rani and Yandramudi Veerendhra Nath were just imitators of these novels, as the present Telugu readers could be easily deceived thinking that these are the best ones as they never read Denis Robins etc..

Of course most of our lives are just imitations of others, and imitating the plots of others also need skill and talent sometimes.

         I used to have some bounded novel books, which were published in weekly magazines, which were cut off and collected and bounded into books. I used to enjoy my lonely hours in my room; there were strict orders from me that no one should disturb me by entering into my room without tapping on the door and asking for my permission to enter into it.  My family used to treat me as a princess of the house. I enjoy being alone with my books.

      I used to have a very close friend Radha; we used to talk hours together without any subject of concrete nature. We were so comfortable in each presence. No hard feelings or envy, harsh words in our friendship. Three years were friends, from 1970-1973, in Kakinada, A.S.D Women's Government College.

      Sometimes we both go to movies, sometimes to different isolated spots where the lush of green trees, with beautiful sceneries.  Or vast Reservoir water basin bed was our solo picnic spots. The long drones of sandy beach were one of our favorite spots. Those were the days of no fear, people used to respect each other, no fear of the girls to travel alone, people used to respect the girls who were studying in college.  We enjoyed full freedom of life, the life was secure, no threatening incidents anywhere as it is now in 2013, where fear of fellow beings is prevailing all the time.

      We both used to take mango pieces with salt and chilli powder, and coconut white pieces in a box to eat on the banks of these Reservoir water banks, or a small pool of water in those lush green spots. We both liked to discuss the Telugu literature and go to the Town Hall Library to study and write assignments for the class projects. Srungara Neishadam of Srinaadhudu,  Bhagavatham of Bammera Pothana, Classical works of Nannaya, Thikkana, Yerra pragada along with Appakaviyam, Chandhassu, Bala vyakaranam, and Prouda Vyakaranam, Gurram Joshua, Vemana were our topics to discuss and debate.

     

          We never missed our Telugu Literature. Our lecturers used to teach us well, they were the experts of the subjects.  and so we never miss the literature classes. I studied, the Modern Poetry and Old poetry in my English classes along with Macbeth, and As you like it of Shakespeare, St. Joan, Boswell, Macaulay, Kim, Twentieth century essays, and many more books. We never feel like missing even one single class except some non detailed classes which were so boring as the lecturers were too.

         Besides we studied European History which was my favorite subject, The Indian History was taught by some boring lecturer, and that never gripped my attention. Economics was the subject I found not so very interested except the Banking section.  Teachers were all that made us to be interested in the subjects. The better the teaching the better was my interest in the classes and the subject.

         My friend Radha took 'Music' to learn the instrument VEENA, instead of Economics, only in these classes we were away from each other in the college premises.  Radha had not of much liking for English subject too, so I used to allow her to sit at the back of the rows, while I used to select a seat in the front line of the class to listen to the lectures intensely.

         There used to be one Mrs. Babu Rao ( Nirmala) as our neighbor in our bungalows) her husband was  also a Police Inspector,. She used to full fill the place of my beloved aunty Kanthamani, whom I lost in touch with after she got married and left our home. So I used to see my aunty in her, and used to visit her on my way back home from college. She too was very fond of novels and we both used to exchange many books between us. she used to have a small little baby girl, and when she was crying, one day , Radha and me named her as Chitti babu Veena ragam, saying that she is crying like that. We used to name every one and used to giggle a lot. Giggling was our hobby most of the time.

        There is a Railway Station (Town) near our houses, so we both catch the Diesel train, to go to college. The Driver of that train was a father of another friend who lived at the Port Railway Station. Her name was Mano Ranjitha, who used to sing so well. Once she invited me to her church on one special event , there she sang a  Telugu Song, Naa loni prema jyothini velunga neeyumaa.. prajali ke.." That was the first solo song that I ever heard in my life for the Lord Jesus Christ. I was so enchanted by that song and filled my heart with unknown peace. Later I asked her for the lyrics of that song tried to learn it at home, with her help, and I believe I could sing it. Its a favorite song of mine, even now.

We used to college in a Diesel train, the driver was the father of my friend Mano Ranjitha, as he knows me very well, he used to stop the train for me to embark it whenever I was a little bit late to catch it. Even when he saw me on the other side of the rail track he used to stop it for me till I cross the track right in front of the train, and used to wait till I got into it. I used to feel very proud to have a driver uncle.

More than two years, Radha and me used to travel in that train, and then reach the Port Rail way station and disembark; from there we used to walk a little distance to reach the bank of a small canal of the sea. There we used to get in a small Theppa..( 

I HAD A PREMONITION.....( part 1 )continued... 2000

  I had a premonition.... since a month.... I was fearing something drastic will be going to happen,  and I was checking myself, can I have strength to face it without denying my Lord?  --

 " Leela , come once to the prayer hall, and talk to sister S, she and her daughter came to talk to me, it
 seems she is not taking food since 15 days, after the demise of her husband, you come and pray with her and talk to her"   My husband came into the room where I was doing something and told me thus and left for the prayer hall which was just behind my home.

I rushed out into the hall and found Sister S along with her daughter,  she looks so weak, and as it is she was a slim lady very feeble and now she is on fasting  ...beyond her  capacity... her daughter told me," Aunty some praying people came to our home after the death of my dad and told my mom that if she prayed for 40 days fasting my dead father come alive. Since then she is on fasting, and not eating any thing..and she is almost going to die. I brought her to prayer hall to ask uncle to pray for her."

" Ok let us sit here on the mat, I want to talk to her."

What I talked to her was about the death of my dad,  I told her the beautiful story how my dad was prepared for his death, and God in His mercy prepared me to face the death of my dearest father.  After she heard all that I told her, I told her how God told me about David, when his son died,  he said, " We have to go to him, but he will not come to us"
I tried to console her as much as I could.  So atlast she agreed to take food, and both slowly got up and left the center,  I was also not well... a little feverish,  and slowly I was coming into my house,  but I questioned myself like this.'  oh what words of comfort I spoke to her?  I told her about the death of my own father, and tried to console her about the death of her husband, oh the death of husband is not equal as the death of the father... how can she be consoled with the  words I spoke to her?'--But whatever , What I spoke to her I spoke, I do not know how those words would console her, but oh Lord you know how much the words I spoke to her are of any value, because I spoke about the comoft I got from you  to her, but she lost her husband, which is more painful than anything.  '  so telling myself I entered into the house.
Then I remembered, how once a month before I was teaching a few English songs to the PG and UG students in the college.   I taught them  the song" Is God dead?  No no no no no...I can feel him over me,  I can feel him in my hands, I can feel him in my legs....etc etc.." That day I taught this song to BA Final year studnets, and at the end of the song... NO HE IS NOT DEAD... I stopped to sing abruptly, took my books on the table in the class, and at once ran away from the class to my room.. telling myself, that I cannot bear, this humiliaton any more, I did not have strength to sing this song any more... can I say with strong mind, that Godis not dead and that I can feel him over me all the time.. in every cirucmustnce?/" Oh  Lord give me strength, give me courage to face any thing.. etc...
even before  that I took moral science class to the PG students, I taught them the song "God is good.." and gave a sermon on it.
     Again we were preparing for the children retreat, exactly the same month my husband got te first heart attack, as it was three years back.
The dates this time were from 31st August for three days.  Everything he was getting ready, he had a big dairy in his hands, wrote down all the details of the work to be done, and ticking those which were finished.
28th August, I was very happy, unlike any other birthday, this looked like a little different, birthday in my 22 years of married life.My husband was a little extra happier on this day, bought flowers for me which he rarely do, did not say anything when I bought a new saree this time, and when I ordered for a cake to give away in college.  He was in cheerful mood, and dropped me in college by scooter. I too was very happy because,   since the last heart attack three years passed away without any further complications.  Most of the financial burdens were over, and we were able to breath and spend for our own.  He brought two kashmir silk saries for me which was not his wont ever since we were married. All is soft and soothing.
Life seems to be full of joy, only that night, 28August 2000, my daughter was on her way to Kanchipuram to sumbit a project in which she became an expert speaker, we arranged one of our cousines to meet her at Madras statation to escort her to Kanchipuram  She was flying on the cloud nine as it was her first project to gain good marks in her B.Tech.  She and her friend and friends dad were dropped in Railway station , that night. my husband gave the gospel to her friends dad for longer time , and returned home, and after family prayer, he told me that he spoke to my daughters friends' dad about his soul.
  The next day some body said to us, there was some strike in AP and education institutions might be closed for the day. As we had Children Retreat I wished we could have a holiday, so that I could be at home to help my husband.  I was a little feverish that day. Ignoring the fever, I finished the house work, and we as a family sat in the bed room to pray.  My son need to go to college and me to my college.  That day family prayer Bible portion was 2 Peter 1: 1-11... Three of us were reading those lines one by one..  when we come to the verse  5-8, my husband stopped for a while and started to explain about those verses to my son,  That was the last message given by him in our family prayer, he said, "when we have faith , it should add goodness; knowledge, self control, perseverance and godliness; mutual affection, love---and when u possess those, you will not be ineffective and unproductive,  In Telugu language it said, 'it will not make you useless, and lazy fellow"---  I was looking at both of them and some how I wanted to add these words ... addressing my son,

        " See, many people think that they are active, smart and work hard, but its no use unless they work for God, Only when you work for God you will not be considered as 'useless and lazy fellow;  otherwise what is the use of working from morning to evening without working for God, ? its not how much we work but for whom we work"

           He nodded his head, and we proceeded further,to read the word of God,
I was reading the word of God..when he comes to the verse 11:"And You will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."---"for in this way entry into the eternal kingdom of our Lord Jesus Christ will be richly provided for you."

        We both underline the same sentence , my husband and me at once, we both exclaimed at once, I remember what I said still, "wow , look what promise we have here, In Telugu  its so wonderful, I read the verse again,  the gates of Heaven are opened widely to make an entry to His people to enter into it."  I exclaimed, John read how it is written in your English Bible.  he read, like this "   And God will open The gates of Heaven for you to enter into the eternal Kingdom of our Lord and Jesus Christ Saviour."

        Me and my husband both were very happy to read that verse, not knowing that that verse is going to be truely practical in our lives within two hours.

John went to the college, and after a while he drove me to college, and told me , 'as there is bandh to day, if there is no college you wait for me I will come and pick you up"

After the first period, the college was closed, so I thought I should not give risk to my husband to ask him to come and pick me up from the college. because i knew he was very busy in arranging the things for the children retreat which will start from 31 August, 2000.
 I thought  I could take a ricksha as I was a little feverish, but remembering his word that he would come and pick me up , I dare not to take riksha against his word, and spend money on it, so slowly I started to walk home and reached home at 11am. My mom was at home ...( will be continued in next episode)
        Yes I reached home by having a halt in between, at Mary Joshi house, sat in their verendah completely exhausted, too tired to walk further, something is going on in my mind, fully despired, Never I felt so much strained before, I asked, mary " Mary can u give me a cup of tea please?" " Ayyo amma, thappakunda" ( Oh Ma, surely I will give ) In fellowhip people call me sister, aunty or amma = ma )   she brought a cup of tea, I was telling her about another aunty who came to stay with us to spend sometime in prayer, I told Mary, "Please take care of her, she is living near your home so it is easy for you to see her needs."  she gave her consent.  Then I took leave of her, and started to go home, which was three streets away from her house.
slowly I dragged myself to home went and saw my mother was pounding red chilli powder with tamarind and coriander seeds, she told me" Son in law likes this poweder very much so I am preparing now" I told her " so he is still in the prayer hall? since morning?  I am also very tired ma, I will take a little rest and go and see what he is doing there"  Thus saying I went into our bed room and lied down taking the news paper, in hand.  I must tell  you something about this news paper which I never touched  for 8 years after that day.

My husband was so fond of the news paper, he was telling me that he was so fond of it, and in his school days as they do not have money to buy news paper he used to preserve those papers which were given in the pawn shop when they buy any things like salt, tamarind or jaggary etc and stretch those papers and read those papers.
 He was so fond of the news papers, he could not take his eyes from the paper once he took it into his hands. Many times I tried to distract him by telling him some thing,  but in vain. so now and then I tried to take away the paper from him playfully only to face unfamiliar wrath in his face. So not able to get his attention from him any way while he was reading the paper, I used to say that its look like he is giving more importance to the news paper rather than me.. Even then I could not succeed, so I was teasing him saying, "O  now you tied up the news paper to your face, and no one can come near to you, its more to you than your dear wife ( that is me)   Whatever , however I tried I could not distract him from the paper all those years.  So in turn I started to read the paper just to kill the time to show him how much irritating it would be if we read the paper while ignoring the person in front of us.  So he knowing my intention, and knowing very well that I was not reading the paper for much news, he used to taunt me saying the same words I used on him. like" O now you tied up the news paper to you face "
This was a game in between us for many years. which I tried to take such strainful situation in easier way.

Well, at that moment my mother came inside the house and sat in the sofa in other room. While I was trying to peep into the paper on my bed.  Then I suddenly heard the banging of the door at the kitchen, which was very unlike of him.  He was a gentle person, never would make any noise or shout,  so when I heard that banging, I told my mom,'mom can you go and open the kitchen door" Before she got up to go there was another banging in from of the house where my mom sat.  He was banging the door .. I thought he came in hurry may be to fetch any instrument which is needed in the House of God.  But within seconds he was in our room , I thought he was going to taunt me saying"O you tie up the news paper again to your face"  But instead I heard him saying, " Leela, I have reeling sensation."
In all my married life I never heard him telling me like that. He never complained about his physical ailments. I was the one who used to look into his face finds that he was tired and thereby giving him some thing to drink or eat before he become too tired.   He would never ask me for anything. I used to take care of him as my own eye.     So when I heard him telling me so, I got up at once and took him into my arms and made him to lie down.. saying," Oh you must had worked too much in the prayer hall, since morning." Thus saying I got 'Sorbatrite' tablet to put it under his tounge, I found that he was trying to grit his teeth hard, at the same time trying not to hurt my fingers in his mouth.  He was such gentleman. I found the gravity of the situation, I picked up the phone and called my friend who was doctor to come at once to attend my husband telling her that he never complains like this , and he is becoming unconscious..
John also came home as their college also was closed for that day, I shouted at him ," John bring glass of water." before he brings the water, I saw that he was slipping away, his eyes rolling up, I saw the wall text "You may ask any thing in my name  and I will do it" John 14:14    So I shouted aloud, Lord I ask of Thee give the life to my......husband.... before I finished that little sentence I saw him breathing his last... his eyes were rolling back I shouted Ymandi , Ymandi, no response... I tried to do mouth to mouth respiration, but no response.  I cried aloud, 'Ma he is dead"  Mom said, No don't say so, within seconds the people from the prayer hall gathered in the house, somebody brought a doctor next street, she came and said, 'take him to cordioligist" Sombody brought an auto I made him lie down in my lap Titus came along with me to the hospital.  The doctor gave electric shock and pronounced that he was dead 10 minutes before. I was crying and begging the doctor, to revive my husband. He answered me negatively. saying no use.
 It was 29th August 2000 at 11;20 am.  All is over. My life with my dear husband which started on 6th July 1979 at 9am ended abruptly. Everything stopped at once. I was in derailment. no words to speak. I came home. I called sis Kamala Paul and told her. somebody took the dairy and started to inform every one. I was with the dead body of my dear husband. What was  I saying , I did not know. somebody asked me where to keep him. I said "in the prayer hall , he loves that place."  Tears were unceasingly flowing.  People are coming and talking to me. I was not in senses. staring at  my husband. Is it real? did he really leave me? Nothing seems to be real.  At mid night my daughter came home, she was informed by my cousine that her dad was no more. and brought her home.  That was a shock for her. She started from home the night before with colourful dreams to achieve highest marks in her project submission, her dad left her at the railway station, she never thought that was the last look she had to see her dad.  Life is strange. John was not in this world.  he was moving around like a zombie.. nodding his head or doing things told.  no response, no tears. no reaction.  we were left alone. I cannot controle my tears now. I will continue what had happened later.   in next episode. part 3

 Yes I reached home by having a halt in between, at Mary Joshi house, sat in their verendah completely exhausted, too tired to walk further, something is going on in my mind, fully despired, Never I felt so much strained before, I asked, mary " Mary can u give me a cup of tea please?" " Ayyo amma, thappakunda" ( Oh Ma, surely I will give ) In fellowhip people call me sister, aunty or amma = ma )   she brought a cup of tea, I was telling her about another aunty who came to stay with us to spend sometime in prayer, I told Mary, "Please take care of her, she is living near your home so it is easy for you to see her needs."  she gave her consent.  Then I took leave of her, and started to go home, which was three streets away from her house.
slowly I dragged myself to home went and saw my mother was pounding red chilli powder with tamarind and coriander seeds, she told me" Son in law likes this poweder very much so I am preparing now" I told her " so he is still in the prayer hall? since morning?  I am also very tired ma, I will take a little rest and go and see what he is doing there"  Thus saying I went into our bed room and lied down taking the news paper, in hand.  I must tell  you something about this news paper which I never touched  for 8 years after that day.

My husband was so fond of the news paper, he was telling me that he was so fond of it, and in his school days as they do not have money to buy news paper he used to preserve those papers which were given in the pawn shop when they buy any things like salt, tamarind or jaggary etc and stretch those papers and read those papers.
 He was so fond of the news papers, he could not take his eyes from the paper once he took it into his hands. Many times I tried to distract him by telling him some thing,  but in vain. so now and then I tried to take away the paper from him playfully only to face unfamiliar wrath in his face. So not able to get his attention from him any way while he was reading the paper, I used to say that its look like he is giving more importance to the news paper rather than me.. Even then I could not succeed, so I was teasing him saying, "O  now you tied up the news paper to your face, and no one can come near to you, its more to you than your dear wife ( that is me)   Whatever , however I tried I could not distract him from the paper all those years.  So in turn I started to read the paper just to kill the time to show him how much irritating it would be if we read the paper while ignoring the person in front of us.  So he knowing my intention, and knowing very well that I was not reading the paper for much news, he used to taunt me saying the same words I used on him. like" O now you tied up the news paper to you face "
This was a game in between us for many years. which I tried to take such strainful situation in easier way.

Well, at that moment my mother came inside the house and sat in the sofa in other room. While I was trying to peep into the paper on my bed.  Then I suddenly heard the banging of the door at the kitchen, which was very unlike of him.  He was a gentle person, never would make any noise or shout,  so when I heard that banging, I told my mom,'mom can you go and open the kitchen door" Before she got up to go there was another banging in from of the house where my mom sat.  He was banging the door .. I thought he came in hurry may be to fetch any instrument which is needed in the House of God.  But within seconds he was in our room , I thought he was going to taunt me saying"O you tie up the news paper again to your face"  But instead I heard him saying, " Leela, I have reeling sensation."
In all my married life I never heard him telling me like that. He never complained about his physical ailments. I was the one who used to look into his face finds that he was tired and thereby giving him some thing to drink or eat before he become too tired.   He would never ask me for anything. I used to take care of him as my own eye.     So when I heard him telling me so, I got up at once and took him into my arms and made him to lie down.. saying," Oh you must had worked too much in the prayer hall, since morning." Thus saying I got 'Sorbatrite' tablet to put it under his tounge, I found that he was trying to grit his teeth hard, at the same time trying not to hurt my fingers in his mouth.  He was such gentleman. I found the gravity of the situation, I picked up the phone and called my friend who was doctor to come at once to attend my husband telling her that he never complains like this , and he is becoming unconscious..
John also came home as their college also was closed for that day, I shouted at him ," John bring glass of water." before he brings the water, I saw that he was slipping away, his eyes rolling up, I saw the wall text "You may ask any thing in my name  and I will do it" John 14:14    So I shouted aloud, Lord I ask of Thee give the life to my......husband.... before I finished that little sentence I saw him breathing his last... his eyes were rolling back I shouted Ymandi , Ymandi, no response... I tried to do mouth to mouth respiration, but no response.  I cried aloud, 'Ma he is dead"  Mom said, No don't say so, within seconds the people from the prayer hall gathered in the house, somebody brought a doctor next street, she came and said, 'take him to cordioligist" Sombody brought an auto I made him lie down in my lap Titus came along with me to the hospital.  The doctor gave electric shock and pronounced that he was dead 10 minutes before. I was crying and begging the doctor, to revive my husband. He answered me negatively. saying no use.

 It was 29th August 2000 at 11;20 am.  All is over. My life with my dear husband which started on 6th July 1979 at 9am ended abruptly. Everything stopped at once. I was in derailment. no words to speak. I came home. I called sis Kamala Paul and told her. somebody took the dairy and started to inform every one. I was with the dead body of my dear husband. What was  I saying , I did not know. somebody asked me where to keep him. I said "in the prayer hall , he loves that place."  Tears were unceasingly flowing.  People are coming and talking to me. I was not in senses. staring at  my husband. Is it real? did he really leave me? Nothing seems to be real.  At mid night my daughter came home, she was informed by my cousine that her dad was no more. and brought her home.  That was a shock for her. She started from home the night before with colourful dreams to achieve highest marks in her project submission, her dad left her at the railway station, she never thought that was the last look she had to see her dad.  Life is strange. John was not in this world.  he was moving around like a zombie.. nodding his head or doing things told.  no response, no tears. no reaction.  we were left alone. I cannot controle my tears now. I will continue what had happened later.   in next episode. part 3
         After I wrote part 3,  I wrote part 4  for such a long time but suddenly all that I typed was vanished from the screen. I think by mistake I deleted it.  
                 So it took a little more time to come back to these pages to continue with the story of my sorrowful event in my life.
                        Thus after praying at the body of my dear husband I came and sat near a pole leaning , too tired, and hapless... lonely.
                      People are in crowds around me, , some are talking to me now and then, some were sitting in groups and crying silently. 
Tears flowing freely... I was numb and listless.
                                Somebody came and sat with me, I think that was Mrs Baburao, I call her  Maryamma.. came and told me, ' there is a phone call from Kamalakka, asking you whether you would postpone the children retreat " ( It was supposed to start from 31st August)
                        my husband died on 29th August, 2000 and it was middle of the night)   Burial will be on 30th.
                        I looked at her blankly.   I remembered my husband and his zeal for the Lord. I remembered  our daily Family prayer. I remembered his prayer suddenly.
                             " Lord let not me or my family be a stumbling block to your ministry, in  our service to you." ( I used to object a  little in my heart, 'why he prays so, after all as a family we are striving to do our level best in ministering Him, ' Any way , whatever , because he prayed so let me say Amen along with him" so I was saying Amen, though not able to understand why he was praying thus, all those years.)
                                 Yes, I remembered it once again as if the Lord was telling me, ' see , now what are you going to do?'
                       I said, to her, " Let the children Retreat will be conducted as usual, just like he had planned."

                                  And the children Retreat was conducted for three days,  how I conducted myself , I do not remember, but like zombie I supervised the things while the tears were zooming out uncontrollably.

                                  I was overseering the burial arrangements too, people were coming and saying different words of consolation. But I was deaf, I was blind, I was dull , I was numb.  Nothing going into my mind. 
                                    But one thing piercing in my heart, many people are saying,  'oh why he died so soon, he is only 52 years old, she is only 47 years old.  he is such a good and great evangelist, there is  so much work to do, he is doing so much work for the Lord in and around Eluru, why he died at the age of 52 years?"
                                 I was listening, but I did not have an answer for it. I was gazing into their tearful faces, children were crying aloud at the body, women were wailing aloud, men were in shock and doing the burial arrangements.    I was on the floor sitting some time, and sitting at his coffin some time. 
tears tears tears...... my saree was drenched in tears...nothing to say, nothing to think. Mind was blank.
                                           I was remembering those days, how  I took him to different hospitals,  Eluru Railway hospital, private hospitals, Hyderabad Railway hopital, Vellore CMC, Ramesh coridology in vijayawada... 3 years passed away to that day. in 1997  on the same day 29th August he got the first heart attack , in 1999 after the completion of his 25 years of Government service he took voluntary retirement on April 8th...He worked out all the pension and other emoluments, and settled everything.
                    Started to draw Pension, deposited some money in the post office to get monthly interest to meet our expenses.  By this time all our financial commitments with his family and three unmarried sisters were over. They got married, even his brother got married, his parents were in less burden, so we started to build our own family a little better financially. 
Life was going on smoothly. 
But now everything went on stand still.

                          I stood on the dais to give an adieu  and  to give an account of his last few minutes with me. Suddenly I remembered him , how he used to tell me ' Leela, time time... " showing his wrist watch if I exceed a little time in my speeches.. in the church. "  I ended my speech on that day, 'Oh if he is here he would tell me that time is up,........So...now.. I can not disobey him.." I got down from the stage. All cried aloud. .. all wailed loudly....!!

          we all went to the burial ground there was heavy rain fall,  my children were with me. Somebody helped me to walk in the grave yard. That was the first time I ever walked in Eluru burial ground. 

Somebody sang the much loved song of my husband, 
My Bible, My Bible and me .. we walk .."

                       Came home, I entered into the house, closed the doors of the room where I prostrated on the floor.  I lied down on the floor, and started to cry bitterly .. cried aloud... "Oh God Oh Lord ...,."   I asked God, " Why Lord  why Lord why you have taken him at only 52 years???? He was working for you , sincerely building the kingdom , why Lord  why you took him at this age??"

                               No answer, but I did not expect an answer, I did not know why I asked thus,  I laid down on my face for long time, the tears had no barrier,  nothing can stop me, none to stop me, ...
After one or two hours I lifted my head and opposite to my face I saw The Picture of Cross Lamination photo on the wall.

Underneath the Cross these words are written.
                  "How much do you love me?"
                         I asked God, He answered me
                  Stretching out His arms wide
                         " This much", and He died.

                       I never imagined that God would answer me there in that room, I never had a least idea that His answer would come to me all in a sudden, in a strange manner. 
                      I never expected Him to answer my query that why he died at the age of 52 years.
                This was the first time the Cross was comforting me in this spectacular way. 
         My eyes read those ...words  ... and stick to the word..... 'HE DIED"-----He Died----He Died

I hear His sweet voice then and there... asking me

         When I died?? At what age I died?

331/2 years Lord... I was whispering in my throat.

  Again I heard His words... 
" Its immaterial when he died, I am going to bless his work'

              I was in a dazing condition.. I did not have a word to speak, I was thanking God .. in heart. Like I was in dream, a reverie got up and opened the doors and sat in a wooden chair.. I was looking but not looking. When people come and talk, I was poise and sober, answered them nodding my head, but I was a big BLANK ... 

          How He blessed his work I did not realize but now I knew how much that work we toiled was blessed. None of them were scattered, 30, 60 100 folds the souls are faithful till now. 
               I see them growing in the Lord, useful in His kingdom,  their children and children I am seeing now, I see some of them in different churches in other countries too, where they are used by God in His own way.    They are blessed and being blessed to others. Some of them were our Sunday school children some were youth group students... some were single some families, none of them went astray... My heart rejoice when they come and tell me the wondrous works of God in their lives.

--- 

I will continue, to describe How God lead  me to take up other steps, a very revolutionary steps in order to build His kingdom in different manner, away from the oppression which had its leaps and bounds after the demise of my husband, both in my personal life, family life and in the church  I was toiling to build .---------- in part 5.
   Soon after my husband died,  I was treated by the LEF leaders very strangely.  One of the leaders sat with me and told me I should go to college by next week. I was such a fool to respect them in toto,  strange they played on my innocence and simple mind and obedience.
     so instead of spending much time in prayer and alone with the Lord I was pushed to College to the much astonishment of my friends and colleagues.
what type of woman was she to push me to do such thing in the name of obedience and loyalty to the church. 
         My father in law promised the children that he would go to his village and come back to stay with us. He lost his beloved faithful son, that is my husband.  
After one week he was about to start his journey and he sat in chair and collapsed to death.  Just one week after the death of my husband.  When we heard this message I did not know what was going on, I saw the heavy hand of God upon us, crushing ,  do not know what and why it was happening,  my mother wailed aloud, and me too.  John came into the room and warned us sternly ' Don't weep like the heathen who doesn't have HOPE"   --At once we both stopped wailing.  
 I sat with the Bible and crying aloud in the heart, and siad to the Lord, " Lord , come what may come, I am ready to face... Even if you want to kill me I willing to die in YOUR hands alone.  Do not leave us"-----"Though He slay me yet will I hope in Him; I will surely defend my ways to His face " Job 13:15

These words automatically came into my mouth, and later I found the same words in the Bible.. and praised God for His spirit of prayer.   
Yes the Spirit of the Lord  helps us how to pray and He prays in the times of deep agony, when we do not know how to pray He will pray   "The Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself  intercedes for us with wordless groans."  Romans 8:26

           The husband of that leader another leader of the LEF started to call me and tell me to sit with him to give me hard and harsh instructions telling me how I should conduct myself as a WIDOW,

      Strange, I was considering him as my own father,  I thought he would encourage me how to gird up myself and be courageous. Instead his exact words were like this, ( He literally cornered me in the room making me sit in corner and sitting opposite to me, of course it was a open room people were going and coming  there.. but it was like claustrophobia for me)
 He told me, " See now you are a WIDOW, ( harshly telling me the truth)  your status now changed . You must not go out and be free...in doing things.)  It was like hard hit nail on my head.  Hardly one week passed after the death of my dear husband, what is this old fool is trying to convey me?  Is he thinking that he is the author of the KARMA of woman? 
I was shocked, but as I told you,  I became a docile cat like person, no voice no objections, no argument, whatever they say I OBEY ...

    The same lady asked me to sit opposite to her one day in the same week.   " Leela, what are you going to do with this new bajaj scooter of your husband?"
I said, " John will use it sister"
Oh no, dont' accidents may occure"
what shall I do then?
Sell it.
They are envious people, they cannot see any one flourish in life. They give instructions expecting the 'implicit obedience to them'   Never they could see widows live in comfortable way.

Money Money Money .... how to devour the widow and her house... is all that matter to these  useless leaders ?  "They devour the houses of the widows and for a show make lengthy prayers" Luke 20:47

I sold it for less amount, 23 bought it for 27000/- just six months back sold it for 19000/- rupees just to get rid of it and obey these money mongers immediately.

Went to college , one girl from PG classes who loved me very much and was very active in my Moral Science classes saw me walking , and extended her hand to me, and said, " Miss God is good " I said in tearful smile
, " All the time"  ----

Later these and many other  incidents occured in my life. I once prostrated on the floor, soon after I came from college, and cried aloud, " What Lord, why people are saying that you are my husband" what is this"
He consoled me telling me , " You obeyed your husband 100% in your life,  You could never do any thing on your own. You used to do whatever he told you.  You did not do any thing without telling him and without getting his permission. YOU OBEYED HIM.  now you be like that to me. You do nothing without telling me and getting permission."   It was His answer to me. 

so I was asking him for everything in my life.  

you can see the rest of the story in the episodes "When God guides... 17th part.. to know more about how a widow is ill treated by church. in this 21st century, a church which is a cult based.

Strangely now I do not have any ill feelings for these people by the way they treated me. But one thing eating me up,  all those who are still in this cult based instructions should not be suffered as I was. I want to help them, I want to make them open the eyes and see to whom they should obey.
 I was conditioned, brain washed to obey the leadrs for 3 decades  the best youthful years of learning in my life, now to unlearn those things was very tough time for me. But God in His mercy  helped me to get rid of such couplings of my soul, and stand boldly courageously to oppose them later. This happened only after much tearful prayers in life begging God to give me COURAGE'
The shackles of slavery in the name of implicit obedience were broken once for all.
My talents, my desire for His service flourished in leaps and bounds  in freedom the. 
As result AMMA Vodi ( In the lap of mother ) monthly magazine I published became my outlet to let the world know my views on life, and serve the public with word of God. Later TV programmes became my food and water.  At this juncture I cant but recognize the encouragement of Karupati Shanthi Sagar, a lay preacher who helped me to unearth the hidden oppressed talents in me. 
Now I published the much longed book translation of Pilgrim Progress with Pictures, in this 2014 year. by God's grace. 

I have yet some more desires to fulfill ... in His Vinyard to bring more fruit for Him to enjoy... Only the time and tide will reveal what is need to be done. Those who can pray , pray for me.