why I write....

Like an angel I soared higher and higher
Then thought rejection dejection and death eternally
Made me fold my wings & fly downwards.

I had earned love passionately
but garments of frustration gather around me,
I became a shell, vowed never to open.

In my withdrawal, I saw the pearl
And felt the presence of God's love,
Stoically in concerns pain feeling secure.

In my world of loneliness
I wrote and wrote our my mind,
My sole earthly succour.

Only to fade slowly away
Into the eternal river that stops for none
But takes away all the dead flowers & the red roses.

As the Days go by and by.....

Days going by, and by, and the minutes and hours just passed away, at the end of the day when i would like to review i feel i have achieved nothing , just a day passed. That is all. Nothing seems to have real meaning in it. As i need to do certain things i do them. some times even i do good, only negative feed back comes in the way. so i go by just doing nothing some times. sleeping eating and getting ready to college, driving and resting. That is all i do, when i kneel down to pray, tears and tears, and nothing comes out of it. but i know my Redeemer is alive and He cares for my tears. Sometimes i am afraid of my own tears, and try to escape those moments too. so is the same. Let me wait for a day when i would be really feel happy in heart of hearts.

Freindhsip

Here i am once again speaking on Friendship. There are a number of friends, who are good and who are not so good, who are bad and back biters, but still pose themselves as friends for the thick and thin of our lives. We know that without them it would be difficult to lead a life. because friends are needed, and they got to give their time for us, at least some few minutes to talk to us, to share our feelings, and our inner reflections. Therefore, as we seek their friendship, we also need to bear with the others of their family members and close knit members in their lives. We face many hurdles in between just to continue this wonderful friendship. After all a friend should be of our age, more or less, i mean we cannot be friendly with a little girl or boy, for that matter , u know. and the friend should of like minded, like tasted, and like opinion- ed, and like tempered. otherwise, we just cannot maintain a friendship. Once we have such friend, we always feel better, strengthened, and supported, because this friend would look at the things in different manner for our good, and advice us when time requires, gives honest feed back and loves at any cost. oh its great thing to have a friend like that.

Every Drop...counted...

There are moments of lonliness, na koyi umang hia na koyi tharang hai , my zindhagi hai kya a khathi pathang hia?? And when I sit in that mood, even that He counts....I have no one to trust , and no one to lean upon, no one to discuss things, .. and i feel so, He comes suddenly, and counts every drop of tear, and softly His love enfolds me.. and takes me out.
That is exactly happens many a times and so it was this week. I was watching the CD of memorial service of my hubby and i could not control my emotions, i felt the nerves in my head are going to break, and there is no control to the tears... it was 10 pm , and i never expected any phone call at that moment. then there was call from my Principal, requesting me to go to vizag on some university errand, the very next day i went and stayed with my mom, and finished the work in the university. some work, some occupation, some meaning and purpose in life all that i need. But when i do for some body all by my self , either they take advantage or exploit or humiliated me. When i am attached to some organization or some errand doing for some body else, it would be wonderful. So Lord tell me how could i occupy myself, and not hurt, and live happily... i know i need to pick up the last lines of threads, where i had left out...I thank you Lord for you care even that single drop of tear in darkness and loneliness. Lend your loving hand and lift me up..Amen.

Drops of His mercies an answer to prayer No.1

Prayer has its power, even a whisper of prayer, sometimes just a wishful thought , wherein we just depend on Him to do it, would be responded by Him in a miraculous way, in an unexpected way, in way which we never would think of ; i know i would not be given leave any more if i ask my boss, because i already availed one month leave in the very beginning of this academic year. she told me so that she would not give too. so whats next, i have to pray, pray for the leave to go to Kamals wedding, in the last month of August, he said it would be on 28th most probably, that is my birthday, oh , how i wish i could just go there, so i was anticipating to take a flight and go, not knowing whether i could get even one day leave, but i trusted inGod that He would allow me to go for wedding, so i told kamal to pray for that. so the other day, in most unexpected way my boss told me that i can go to a seminar on HIV+ and Family Education in Bangalore and that the management would pay the Registration fee, and the dates of the seminar would be from 27th to 31, 2008; wow, i could not believe my own ears. My travelling expenses would be borne by the IGNOU , great, how come God could make everything possible in sweet and stylish manner. when i come out the Boss's chamber, i was literally walking on the clouds. WE ASKED --HE ANSWERED once again proved, that God is faithful God in spite of ME. (continuation)

My Hubby

well, Life is going on... busy at times no time to think or rest, sometimes just lazy enough whole time in the world would be mine... i think of my children, my grand child specially, and i feel so happy and grateful to God, still more two years in the college, whats next... if he is alive this question would never arouse, well, what i do not have why should i think of now. though he is some where in Heaven, i see that he is all ways thinking of me and providing what all that he missed to give me when he was alive, I know for certain , its not just intuition its true in matter of my life, and every detail of my life, and he is there to help me to protect me and do the errands which i cannot do alone. i wonder if he is alive he would drive the car and take care of me all through, but as he is not here, he helped me to learn driving which is my hearts desire. Now a days my thoughts allways goes to him often and many a times, well may be i have to get ready to meet him soon? why this time he is more in my thoughts more than the past?

Life tasteless?

Life back in India, as usual, starting from cleaning , greening, and dusting, and going thither and hither, pretending very busy, yet nothing really meaningful...
I feel i have come to stand still, again, nobody here really related to me, all relations are just passing of time, no purpose and no reality.
why i am here on this earth, what for? what i have to do still.. is there anything really that i need to do? Strange, though i am doing so many things i feel that there is void in my heart, nothing , and i feel like stranger in my own home, and in my own place, life is just going on. day comes, and i think of night, and when night comes, i wish it should be day time.. i wonder how my end days would be. Lord i do not know why i am like this.. why life is so tasteless and immobile...
i wish i could run away from every known person and do something i really be happy about and make u happy to see me. when that would be Lord, just one person missing inmy life should it make my life so lonely all the time and make these tears should flow unceasingly...am i an ungrateful stupid and grumbling stupid. Am i making u feel sorry for being patient with me? But if not with u , whit whom else icould be so transparant..and talk as it is in my heart