What do you think now tell me.

            The world is changed, and the  meaning of values and principles has been changed all together.  What we thought  was right, now became wrong .
 for example:--

        arewho is my neighbor?  the answer was whoever is in need if you, if you  help them you are a good neighbor.

         But alas now if you go out of your way and help them  people are under the impression that you are a fool to use your resources or energy or time because you are doing so because you have plenty of resources  and you do not know how to use them so you are using for others.

      If you go further they are under  the impression  that your a fool to use your time and resources for others.

      And yet there are some others , once you give them your time and talents..   they are many chances for them to become pests and parasites and suck your blood, till the last drop of yours.
 .And even sometimes the person who borrowed your money  will turn to be a murderer--  such umpteen cases have been reported lately you know.

       once we used to follow the principle of  paying the wages of servant on the same day of his work.
 oh now a days, if you start to give the wages everyday to the contract laborers , you fall in the trap,  they will ditch you in the middle of the work and go away, and you have to be on the roads in search of them, on the other hand you can not employ any other worker because the unions of the coolies will not allow him to work to finish what was left by the previous one.

      once we used to give loans liberally because the loaner used to feel grateful for your compassion, and they were obliged to pay you back .

       But now a days if you give loans, they conveniently forget that they have taken the money from you, and may fight with you or even kill you if you remind them to return the money back.

        Why even while you drive and follow the traffic rules by maintaining your distance from the vehicle in front of you , the fellow behind you  think that you do not know how to drive fast and  conveniently come in between you and the vehicle before you and make you go behind in the traffic. and thereby you never can reach your destination in time.
 
      .These are only a few instances where the people with principles feel confused and find the life at the bay. what do you think now tell me.  you can add some more your observations.

Just a second..last breath

                                Just a second, and then every thing would be changed,Life is a tragedy. It always ends tragically. I know and you know that one day we have to leave this world, and our beloved ones will leave us surely. But still we do not take time to be good to them or love them or express our love to them as we should to our full extent of ability. Once they leave us.. life is irreparable. and never will it be the same as it used to be when they were with us.


                        He would not be any more be mentioned as  in present tense, we would speak  of him in past tense.  Just one second  and when he is gone, the present becomes the past, we  talk about  him as he was my husband,  he was my father,  he was working, He used to be , He used to do like that, He joked like that , this and then... only one second... everything would be changed.

                          I used to think to tell him my  my husband many things... like I loved him so much, and he was so much to me, he was my life, my only one person whom I respected all through my life, that he was my hope, my joy.... but then the words were few, I used to find,  that my language was too insufficient,  and i used to find the dearth of words, or occasions to express. I used to post pone things of that sort forever. I never  expressed my deep love for him or to my father.,

           I used to mention that I love them, that; was all.
              I had no idea that   just  that  one minute would take me too long way , that I would never have chance to meet them again and express my thoughts to them.

                         He was my dear father, he was the one who loved me first, showed  me the way I should walk,  he was the one who taought me the good mamers written behind the Lifco dictionary, He was the one who was so proud to have me beside him, and there was none who felt about me as he was. He was the one who encouraged me  to learn new things in life..unlike any other girls of my age, in those days. He never was soft or granted my whims and fancies, but insisted me to go higher  levels of life, even though I was fearful to achieve or meet his expectations.

He was there also for me. I too was so courageous if he was around, nothing could make me feared. He was a stall wart, and a protector, strong and powerful.

And so was with my husband, I lived under his umbrella, I was just following him..around, I was fearless, just leaning upon him... and we both used to share all joys and sorrows equally... I used to have a shoulder to lie down my tired head,  I used to have person with whom I can share all my doubts, and worries and get comfort and counsel.. , I used to have a prayer partner with whom I approach God and laid down all my supplications dutifully and receive answers.. wonderfully

But now when I think of the past, I know that I did not live the life he really wanted me to live. I was so backward for his expectations of me. I was not makng him happy in all my doings... like NCC, Sports, or IAS studies and so on. I shattered all his dreams about me. I was so proud to humble my self  as his daughter. I was thinkingthat I knew everything..  and so I acted, never giving respect to his lognings for his elder daughter, that is me.  His first love for me, he used to give me the very best availablet even the new dresses would be given first to me , to show in fashion parad and for his approval, for the beauty of the attire. But I know I was not as I need to be, or as I wanted me to be now.
There that ego, useless ego made me not to yield to his wishes. He used to tell me about the land he bought at Rajahmundry, but I never showed interest, thinking that I was above all those worldly things, mundane things, as if I was living in the clouds of heaven and my dad was not,. When he was trying to teach me the Bible, I used to think that I was the senior and therefore I knew everything about the Bible , more than him. .When he chose one group of believers with whom he wanted to serve the Lord and praise God. I thought that he was edge of the hell and I must pull him out from that hell as I was brainwashed  to think the fellowship which I used to attend those days was the only church in the world which can show the path of heaven.
What all that i thought was right  then are wrong  now. .I   know now how shallow were those thoughts, I was in dreams, but never in reality..
Life is strange,  I was with him for one full week on his death bed in K G H hospital.
I was with him till the last day , last hours.. except that last minute , when he clsoed his eyes to open them in His presence.
 But it was different with my husband, I was away for a few hours of his last day.. but just before he leaves for the Heavenly Abode I was there , he came to me and told me that he was not well and I took him into my arms to make him lie down comfortably on the bed.  and he breathed his last.

JUST ONE SECOND   JUST ONE SECOND..... everything is changed.. yes everything changed.

 The life is no more like it was before. These dear persons are no more in my life. and my life has been changed completely. What all that I wanted to do for them or talk to them is no more possible now.  If only they are alive again and come back and live , this life would be different. However I lament to my hearts fill, I cannot mend  the things which were impaired...
                There is a hope for every thing in this life.. if we did not study well we can again study , if we had spoil anything we can repair it again and make use of it again. But  we cannot get the people back in our lives. we cannot live the life again.
     As I am approaching to the end of my life... I wish if only I have a chance to live my life once again I would have lived it in better way ..
 JUST ONE SECOND WILL CHANGE WHOLE LIFE. THE LIFE WE LIVE NOW  WILL NEVER BE AS IT WAS BEFORE. WHEN THEY WERE WITH US THE LIFE WAS DIFFERENT AND WE NEVER CAN GET IT BACK .. NO NEVER NEVER..
. Its the saddest part of life. irreparable , uncovered and  never be the same.

Spiritual House

The other day I heard a voice in my dream  1 Peter 2:5  .... When i read the verse, I found that  this is the answer to the question I have deep down in my heart, in my subconscious mind... sleeping inside the folds of my brains. I was astonished How could this be possible.
I read this chapter many times since my conversion, in fact the 1 st verse of this chapter was the one all ways I remember and learnt it by heart.. and there after the verses were read and reread many a times. But never I remember this verse , or never it took my attention, never in my life.
Even after reading it, it took quiet a time to get the essence of the verse, and slowly I found the inner meaning of it , and recognized  that this is the answer to my innermost question  which I never expressed to any one, nor even uttered loudly to my self too.
The inner thoughts go like this...." God has given me so much light in the life, He taught me how to walk with Him, How to recognize His voice, How to be neutral in my thoughts and actions, to understand His will , His thoughts His way at every turn and twist of life.   It was mere grace of Him, that I could His WILL, His THOUGHTS, His WAYS  in my life. If I did not know His thoughts I did not have courage to go forward, I was scared to death. Life was mere confusion and sorrow.  So many a times I sought His instructions, His support and His guidelines  just to escape misery, wast of time and money, waste of energy and shame and agony.  His ways were wonderful, sweeter, and gave me strength...Out side, people think that I make much ado over nothing, they think that I was waiting for long time to take even smallest decision in life, they think that some times I do not keep up my promise, but take back a step which they never expected that I would take,  they think that I am crazy one who all ways speak of God's will, so weak and meek that never could think properly all by myself to take up one single step in life immediately   They also think that I am PROUD enough to say NO to certain things in life even after much coaxing and requesting me to follow them.
       Oh yes, this has had been my pattern of life all these years.  But ultimately I saw that all my decisions though look foolish, has had fetched me much PEACE,  in my innermost being, And I never turned back and  felt regretted for those decisions  which stood on the moral ground of HIS PROMISES AND GUIDELINES.  I can say  now that is the LIGHT God has given me. But after the demise of the dear husband, I do not have the chance to build a church in physical sense, though I wanted to have one . But as a woman and culture of the country, and the very disposition of mine did not allow me to take lead and construct a Church , a visible Church such as the one we did before.  so I was contemplating on an issue day and night. and wondering why I am deprived of what I wanted?/ and what shall I do with all the light He has given ito me. How stupid I am for I am exactly hiding that light under the bush and and under the cot and sleeping over it. God would ask me for my laziness. This and many other thoughts gnawing my inner soul.
Now the verse I got in my dream .goes like this.
  1 Pet  2:5  You yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.'
     I read and read this verse again and again, not understanding what it mean, and why it has come into my dream.... slowly it was understood and revealed step by step.   I need not worry about my Church, God is calling me to be a living stone and to be a holy priesthood, and I here after need to give spiritual sacrifices  to build up a spiritual house. Not the house which could be built with cement pillars, or tin sheds..  I am shocked for this direct answer.. from God.   God  is calling me to be His Holy Priesthood, to build a Spiritual house . This spiritual house would be with living stones any where in the whole world. it may be in uSA or Australia, or Delhi or Hyderabad.. Eluru or Vizag or a small village like Penumakalanka... Great God all I need to do is just give the light He has given to me at his season of my life... the leaves are falling down, the branches are being withered, life is at its wits' end. But they that wait upon the Lord will shall  renew their strength ...

Jerusalem Trip..Promise of God

         Since I joined Air India, it was my deep desire to visit  Jerusalem and Bethlehem and Rome..But I resigned that job and returned back and got an appointment as Lecturer in an esteemed College for women. Never I regret for I quit my job in the International Airlines.  Never , Never I   thought of those days past in Air India.  But  along with my children I too applied for Pass port, just to have it, without giving any second thought. When my daughter got married, I had least idea of going to USA, until she asked me to apply for visa to visit her. 
I was in the shadow of the death, and in the shock of the death of my husband, for many years. And even when I joined my daughter in IOWA  I had least idea of what the life abroad would be. All that I know was taking Life as it comes. Little hopes of joy were pestering me after a long period of depression occurred in my life due to the loss of my beloved husband. How I went to stay with her, how I came back home was a dream. and a life of confusion.  Dark curtains of sorrow and depression were engulfing me those days, and I was not ready to welcome any  hope in life.
 After that visit in 2006  I visited her many times for a period of 3 months,  but never it occurred to me to go to Jerusalem just because I dared not to make a touring trip with a group of strangers. I was hoping for on acquaintance to go with , if not a friend .
in 2009 I thought of going along with my principal, but it was not possible some how.  Since then I was thinking   of going on a trip, but dare not go alone with any strange group for fear of my feeble knees, and weak feet aftermath of chikengunie 
I asked many friends who are a little bit rich to meet the expenses and who has passport, but none of them were ready to make a trip due to various reasons. I was fully at the bay's end, not knowing what to do, but enquiring every one about the trip.My son abruptly told me that he would come along with me. but keeping on post poning the trip due to leave problems.
I tried every way possible, but in vain.  
That night I got a dream.  I heard " Jacob, Jacob , Jacob thrice in my dream. then somebody was unfolding the story of Jacob's dream of the ladder in the wilderness, and was telling me about his promise of one tenth of his earnings to God and about the Rock where he had his House of Prayer.  Then suddenly I heard  a voice in my dream which was insisting me to look at the   15th  verse.The a next morning the first thing what I did was,  searched for the story of Jacob and his dream, I immediately found the story in Genesis 28th chapter, and my eyes gripped the sentence 15th...   it goes like this " And, Behold, I am with thee, and will keep thee in all Places whither thou goest, and will bring thee again into this land; for I will not leave thee, until I have doe that which I have spoken to thee of."   Can any body imagine my shock and my joy mixed feelings and emotions.?  Any one can imagine how light was my body and how I was walking in the clouds. All fear and doubts about my inability to travel with strange group on a tour was vanished. I called the TV channel which was arranging the trips like this. The person who was in charge informed me the next trip would be in the next fortnight, and the date I called 28th June was the last take to apply for Visa to Israel.  And he enquired me whether I could make it within such short period of time. I said, " Praise God, sir, as early as possible, it would be far better for me." he was Happy with my answer and instructed me to send passport details by email and deposit 10000 in his account.  John, my son usually calls me at the week ends, but that day on Thursday he called me to enquire of my welfare, which was very unlike of him. I told him" John I am going to Jerusalem trip, just now I talked to the organisers, and tomorrow and I am going to deposit the amount they asked me to." I told him about the last date of opting for the trip, and the dates of trip.. He was shocked and asked me why I am in so hurry, I told him about the promise God has given me in my dream. He rejoiced along with me at once. and shouted, " oh mom,.. that is fantastic, wonderful, what else you need mom, nothing else..." he was giggling along with me, while saying so.   Then he expressed his inability to come along with me.. When I asked about his job, and the leave he answered me leave he can get even on loss of pay but financially he need some more time to make this trip. I said " if that is the only reason , do not worry, by God's grace I can meet your expenses, even Annie's if you both could make this trip. He was surprised for a minute and enquired Annie whether she could make this trip , she answered that she could not as she had urgently submit some project.  John asked his manager for leave and he got the permission but on loss of pay.  I said, " does not matter, we will make this trip."  
I traveled to Hyd and reached on 13th  morning and that night john reached Hyd on 14th night we were in Shamashabad  Air port to board the plane for Israel country. But the man who promised me to take us safely was not available at the airport. and the visa particulars of mine and john were posted wrongly and we were objected to board the flight as we were not eligible. The promise God has given me was echoing in my ears.  and i hold my thumping heart, to keep my faith. But when I saw the callousness of the sister of the in charge person I told them that " this is a blunder, you have committed to us, and you just cannot throw your responsibility on God saying ' God will take care of you""  --- At last the airport official agreed to give us boarding the flight but warned us that we can travel only up to Amman , and later if Israel Govt would not give permission for us to enter into it , its not their responsibility at all.   My old mantra.. God has been faithful so far, and He will hitherto.. and further" This mantra is my breath  in many a occasions all through my life. and so it was even then. The in charge person was no where, to be seen, later we found out that that person left for Jerusalem the previous day along with another group, and he left out group with his brother in law... who was very much afraid for things turned up in this way.   When we were about to enter into Israel country, we both were stopped by the air port officials for more than two hours,  and we were keeping on praying for the best, and ultimately were given permission to enter into the Promised land only by faith and by the Promise Gen 28:15.

Sickness of 390 days + 40 days= Ezk 4:5,6

                  I have been thinking and thinking to do many things, in the new attained freedom of my life.  Till 2010 I was a   working lady , dutifully doing many a chores at working place and at home and in the ministry, God has given.   later I was retired and I thought to do many things which I like, but alas , I was bed ridden with high fever, body ache and sever nervous break down, with Chickenguenea , in this stage also I managed to renovate the ground floor given by my father in Vizag in the circumstances of many hurdles of Tobia and Sunbulett.. But The Lord has been with me  and strengthened me to finish the work at last. Though I was cheated by many people, and workers there, it was a condition where a lonely widow had to undergo inevitably. 
 I also could manage the marriage of my son, John and Anne, in spite of my terrible physical condition.   There was none to share my burden, none to take up responsibilities,   none to understand me.  I was literally lonely, except one or two friends who were attending me to their level best, in God given strength and capabilities. For that I owe to them forever. in the name of the Lord I bless them.

But the dearth of a shoulder to lean upon was there, all ways. I need to depend on God for even minute things of the daily life.
Now when I think back and reflect upon all that I had undergone, I see the hand of God on me. 
 I was so enthusiastic about my retirement, I even publicly announced that I am quiet happy about it. This made some of my authorities and colleagues to misunderstand me, thinking that I was insulting them. Because the others who were retired before me were so sad to leave the job, and  there were still some of them doing odd jobs by going everyday to the work place.
 In fact I was just waiting for the days to come where in which I could do all the things I wanted to do in my life, which hitherto, could not do, due to the job commitments. 
But The Lord has special training classes for me. He made me to sit aright, in one corner, I did not get some horrible disease which may pronounce the death sentence,  or some disease which I need to go for umpteen doctors for consultation  or some disease, where I need to depend on much medicine, or tests.   This chikungunya is a disease which made me to stick to the corner of my life.As there was no tests or medicines available, I just sit and wait for the healing of the Lord. I was able to move after 3 months  but it was so painful.  In the same condition I could carry on all my duties , by raising up to the occasion.   

God taught me that I cannot fly to an utopia in the newly given freedom, but I need to sit and stand still, to one place of my life, and painfully think of the future, to be planned. I was not able to get up from my bed, i used to take  at least ten minutes to get up from the bed. i could of squeeze the  tooth paste from the tube, and it took 5 minutes to do so. cannot stretch my arm to switch off or on the lights.During those three months the  I used bed pan for my natural calls, even the skin on my skull was swollen , I could not think properly... or  decide properly.

In this condition I went to Virginia, to see my daughter's family where I expected the touch of the two little sweethearts No.1  and No 2 would heal my bruised heart and crushed body. 

I went there in the month of June, and as I was praying in the basement in the month of July, I poured my anquishness of sorrow at the feet of the Lord.
               (Shealtiel was the promise given to me ...in the year 2003. ' He told me that , it means " I ASKED GOD'      and He also told me as soon as I asked of HIM , or enquired of Him any thing of my soul, He promised me that He would answer me then and there. "   Here I remember , " Before I ask , He promised me He would answer me"   This has been my experience with Him many a times since He has given that promise in 2003, and even before that since 1975........)

      I prayed ," Lord How many more days or months should I undergo this pain, how many more days I have to suffer like this. My daughter arranged a room in the basement for me, I could not climb even those few steps to the kitchen, I was spending most of the time in the basement.   The life was more silent and more lonely than before as I could not manage anything or help them any way.   So in those lonely hours, the Bible and His presence was the only  comfort to me. 

Expectations, are good for some extent, where we can make some effort to achieve them.. but in the circumstances where you are completely dependent, expecting love and affections, and time to spend for you would only bring more misery in life. 

At this juncture, Expectations bring only sorrow and disappointment in life.  

Life in USA is not the same in India, it is more difficult and busier than here. People live one day at a time, and even that is full of work and energy. The youngsters can go through of it as their young hot blood could meet the needs of the day. But some of us who were born and brought  up in different culture need to make a lot of adjustments... which the body could resist and mind blocks without our knowledge.

God told me very clearly..that I would be healed after 390 days, and after that I need to be still sick for 40 more days then God will restore my health..I was counting the days as this.."I am very sure that I had fever on September 6th 2010 , I went to buy some Bibles at a book exhibition, and while climbing down the stairs I found my self giddy and feverish. I rushed home soon after the lunch with John Ratnam aunty, excusing myself that I could not stay back even for a minute any longer. I came home and slept till evening even without changing the dress, I had high temperature of 104.degrees. F.h.I was retired on 31 August 2010, but I found giddiness and heaviness and swelling of the body from 3rd of Sept,2010, I remember that very well, because I went to attend a College function prior to Teachers day i.e 5th Sept  the function was held  that is on 3rd  Sept, because 5th Sept was on Sunday and the preponed the function to 3rd Sept that is Friday evening.

 Sr. Ursula found that I was a little bit sick in spite of my jubilant disposition. she commented on my body that I became very fatty, within three days of retirement, and asked me whet I was dong since i stopped to come to college. I said , oh nothing very much just taking rest. for that she cautioned me to take care of my health  I did not suspect any illness at that juncture but she identified it.

 So I counted my days from that day that is 3rd Sept 2010 till Sept 27th of 2011.  the total days summed up exactly 390 days. to be specific. Then I started to add 40 days to tht count.. That is from Sept 28th to Nov 6th 2011 , precisely 40 days, count. ....  So God told me by Nov 6th I would be all right health wise.  I was counting the days and praising God .. and thought even if miss some days or so I know Lord by Nov 10th I will be hale and healthy by Thine grace. Amen.  Just at that moment James came down to the basement on his errand, then I told him even before he stepped down the staircase. James asked me How are you aunty? I said James, I will be healed completely by Nov 10th , my son.  God told me so.  then he exclaimed and said , " Oh aunty  you will leave on 21st Nov, till then you will be not all right? He disappointingly queried me.. But I was rejoicing in the heart for the answer I got from the Lord and I could proclaim it by faith to the first person I met there in that lonely basement. 

The story did not end there. We went to the CBC Chantilley Bible Church on 25th September..I know in my heart I would finish my 390 days count byy 28th of this month... and that date is imprinted in my heart ... and I am looking forward for it to count another 40 days in my life.  That day in the church one Br.Brenard was inited to address the audience on some important issue. He told us the gravity of the sin in America , and esp about the Abortions and murdering of the infants in the womb of the mother. He spoke about the creation of God and His love for mankind, and encouraged us to participate in 40 days  fasting prayer from 28th September to Nov 6th ,2011.  and encouraged us to join in ralleys and counselling sessions, and fasting prayer for these 40 days . I could not believe my ears. why 40 days from 28th Sept why not from 26th the next day, that is Monday.. why they chose 28th wed??? there is no answer for that... my whole being is awfully numb.. I feel the presence of God all over me.. it is the case with me when He exalts Himself by answering me so abruptly and so specifically touching my soul softly. 

So  what I told to James in the basement was exactly happening here. Why God broke the days as 390 +40 days.. why He did not total led them and told me 430 days in total? Now I got the answer, He wanted me join the prayer session of the church.. So I went and met Br. Bernard and signed in the paper  that I would join in fasting prayer for the unborn babies. and against Abortion.

The Lord is good, and speaks beautifully to them who wait upon the Him

You know He keeps His word , and He healed me by Nov 6th.2011. I was jumping literally on Nov 10th as I predicted and proclaimed to James. 

Isn't this prophesy of Him.. even in the small details of life of worm like person , such as me?

One day at a time....

                     I have celebrated my 60th Happy Birthday on 28/08/2012.......and I  did the rituals in most heartiest way possible, and reflected upon the past 12 years of His faithfulness during the period of the absence of my husband on 29/08//2012. One day I cannot but be happy because of the birthday of my life. and the next day i cannot but be sad because of the departure of my life partner from my life.
               I understood the life as such should be taken as if it is really " one day at a time"  sweet Jesus thats all I am asking from you....."    One day at a time.. is the slogan of my life since 29th August 2000, and He never withdrawn His affections to face this challenge in my life.   oh yes, One day i will be in colorful , gay attires, with flowers and sweets, and friends and frolic and fun.... and after one night of the rest, the next morning greets me with gloomy shadows... everywhere.  this day no one would call me.... or visit me... or try to say hello to me.
           I spend my early hours  among the graves where the bones of my beloved lied down..and cant stop the flow of tears when i touch the cement on the grave where my beloved was lastly seen. His comely face is still afresh in my memory,  he was there silently and quietly as usual just as if he was sleeping,  i recollect how we shut the door of the box where he was , and how we poured out the earth on him  and then , and then,  and slowly i go out and meet some one who are less fortune and sorrowful. Thus ends the day .... making me to reflect that afterall life is like that in essence...both flowers and thorns side by side.
              And today is the day just it has been on any day,  phone calls, cleaning, songs, and music and news and friends etc.. fills the day and makes me to run for another day .. in my life.
   I like to live the day given to its utmost possible depths of life. I learned to live to enjoy to the uttermost on the day of joy, and feel gloomy and withdrawn as a caterpillar in its cocoon on the day of gloomy shadows. I am what I am... I did all that I could do.. with all my might and strength... and with all my intellectual capacities, I did all that in my 60 years of life, what i feel that I should do. And during the past 12 years, i pretended as the best mom and also best dad... roles i loved to take up , yet so vulnerable to play perfectly. There were so many ups and downs, so many mistakes, and imperfections, but... still i know i could do what all that i could do.
                 That gives me satisfaction, contentment. dedication and love for life.   Now i am 60 years old, but my friends and children never think or believe that i am 60 and they do expect me to do things like sixteen years one but not sixty years one.. They say that i should be more active, more eergetic, more and more enjoyable.  i know i cannot be  in one cornore and live as caterpillar, I have wings, that too colorful wings, so i need to fly , into the horizons of the sky, i want to learn many things still, i am trying to leanr many things as much as possible.
Let life teach me ints own One Day At A time method.... Let me see what is hidden for me in the coming future, Let me taste all that makes me worth living... I hope i could live to its ful days... and still able to say, that " I could do all that I could"

LIE LIFE

I wonder how some people speak lies all the time, every time, any given time.  They talk lies with no reason, there is no benefit for them or to others to whom they speak. They just speak lies..; suppose they bought a sari for Rs 300/ but they tell others that it is 700.. even though the other did not esquire  about the cost....They speak lies to their spouse, to their children, to their friends, to their acquaintances too, even to a person who happens to travel with them for an hour.  The LIE is on their tongue,  they never feel fear that they would be put to asham or their reputation ruins once they are known as lairs of all seasons.  These people  appreciate others also without reason and there too speaking lies just to make them fall into their net

. When i was teaching about the 10 commandments to Sunday school children i used to teach them tha we used to call jackle the cunning in Telugu, Jithulamaari Nakka... Once Jesus called Herod a Jackle... how can any one love a Jackle where the principle of love applies to such jackles? our very existence is at stake when we move with them how come the question of love.. oh .. suggest me ... any possibility , if u can..

1. You shall have no other gods before me.
    
2. You shall not make for yourself any carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.
    
3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.
    
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your manservant, nor your maidservant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.
    
5. Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.
    
6. You shall not murder.
    
7. You shall not commit adultery.
    
8. You shall not steal.
    
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
    
10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.                                 I used to teach the 9 commandment  , telling the children that they should not speak lies.   but now  a days i see people are not only talking lies every where, but they are also telling testimonies on the stages of churches with full of lies. They say the things of God which never happen in their lives as if they happened to them.  Here again the 3rd commandment is misused by them  Thou shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.   This is too hilarious  to think. Do not they have their own circles to speak such lies, as if it is not enough they misuse the Temple of God too for the lies they pamper.  Jesus said,  Devil is a lier, he speaks lies according to his own original nature.  when he speaks he does not contemplate to speak a lie , but he just speak a lie.  because He is the father of lies.        The life with such miserable beings of Lies is so terrible. We cannot predict what she would speak the next moment. we do not know how she manipulate the happenings in her own cunning lying way. No wonder there is no friendship to a man of God with such a person who speak lies all the time. It look like a cobra is lieing down beside him or moving around in the house.    No wonder he is afraid every moment wondering at which moment the cobra try to bit him How can a person be friendly with such liers. Every minute is a test, every minute is trail , every minute is a dangerous spot. Do not when the word YES means No, and when the word NO means yes.  Life would be miserable to the children or the spouse in the house.    
11.  A person who  has trespassed one commandment  trespassed  all the commandments, that is what Jesus told us too.   when  a person speak lies he speaks false witness and take the name of God in vain, and he does it because he wants to steal, or covet ether's things, and cannot honour the parents too . Because everything is inter mingled, and inter twined.  Nothing is separated from the other.  we cannot trust such person with our money, or they would never bother to give account of the money they spent on our behalf.. because ther eis lie in it. woe unto them who live in fear, because they are liers... but some time like the Devil  , the Snake they show shameless power and bravity on their faces in spite of speaking lies.  But our Lord has bruised the ehad of the Snake, and the end of it is very near and so is the fate of liers.

Past is Present

Life goes on and on, whether you like it or not till the day the Lord appointed you to breath your last.
Mind works on and on whether your body is fragile or withered away, till there is the breath in thy nostrils.
Soul searches  on and on  to gain the perfect image of itself, till it merges into the Greater Being.
Friends come and go... as you do respond to them with all your might and matters.
Family... ? Family is a family only when You live together underr one roof, when the day come the nest become empty, you are no more wanted ... and craved for, because you are no more use to them.  Husband and wife live in this India, till the death makes them apart because they have no other go.  Financially and socially they are bound and therefore they live like two earthworms eating the dust and digesting it , thinking that is the great work they are doing for themselves.
Knowing all this the man lives in a hope , hoping against the hope, planning, and fantasizing, believing that they are useful to some Tom and Jerry, in one nook and corner of this vast world.
But once you sit back , relax and observe people as in a birds view, and observe the great life stories of the so called popular leaders, achievers, experts, and cine artists,  you would see how the life ends at the end.
Life is a tragedy. Because it is death that ends it.  However you live, however you are adored , and however you make things terrible / or comfortable for the others, your life ends tragically, good death, bad death, accidental death... whatever be the death, death is death.  The heart stops, breathing stops, and brain stops to work. There ends the however be the great life in this world.
Some of us used to think , to be good wife and good mother is all tht needed.  Alas!! what a mirth it causes when you sit back and reflect over such roles you played so skillfully. We live as if the husband is all that matter in life. His happiness is our happiness. when he smiles we work in gaiety When he frowns, we depress in our soul, and feels that the sky is falling on our head and runs and runs around as of that little chick in the childhood stories.
From dawn to night we toil hard, hoping and believing that children and husband would give  a little smile of thanks to our efforts. Oh that is like asking the moon to come into my lap.  They think that its the duty of the wife to work like that. They take granted that mother should sacrifice her life for the sake of the comfort of the children. Even to appriciate the little dainty tasty little dishes on the table takes a lot of happiness from theri minds, for they consider that if they appreciate her, she would become like the frog in the lake making beck beck beck and boast herself.. or she would make that particular dish again and again... Alas again, these assumptions and other makes them the most ungrateful people under the same roof.
As the children grow up and as they do attain greater degrees of academic achievements their mother becomes smaller and smaller in their sight.
They jsut think that she is of no use, in their circles. They think that even to take her out, is a burden, as they call her as an extra luggage, because she cannot move as fast as they can.
They feel asham if she moves freely in their social circles thinking that she is too much for their friends, forgetting that she was the one who led them carefully into the world, and she was the one who taught them the etiquette, .  she was the one who spent much for their good looks forgetting her own looks.
Even husband like to appreciate the good qualities of any body else, very fastly recognizing them, encouraging them, but his eyes become blindfolded to see the talents in his own wife.
Once got married, the women's life lost all encouragement, which she used to get from her parents. I think even this is possible only in those homes where there are no male issues. The girl child with her siblings get encouragement from her father to go up in the life ladder.
If son is there, again she faces the gender inequality and suppressed and oppressed in many ways. (80%)
In the homes of the children, the widowed mother is most wanted than the widowed father. Because she would be handy with their little kids.  whereas fathers are only another luggage obstructing them to move around.  Mother can be useful to wash the vessels, or cook some food, here again she satisfies them only 50% becasue her way of cooking , and the way they ate the dainty dishes at her table in their childhood , become taboos, and poisonous, toxic substances.. She would be a great help to be baby sitter, rather than a mother. Her advice on any topic become out of context and outdated. Her laughter makes them dizzy. Her way of eating and sleeping and everything will be scrutinized in concave lenses, zoomed 500% and under the pretext of caring her health makes her life miserable.
Once she becomes sick, she is more useless than the skin of the banana. If she lives in her home, or in their home the matters worsen her health. They never care about her mental peace, but restrict her not to move or see anything saying that makes things worse. They never allow any one to visist her  telling her that they cannot maintain the visitors. Here i remember the movie, "THE BUCKET LIST"....Two terminally ill men escape from a cancer ward and head off on a road trip with a wish list of to-dos before they die. Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson in The Bucket List  ACTED  wonderfully,TWO terminally ill patients discover a rare bond of friendship in the clinical environs of a hospital room and draw up a `bucket list' of things they'd like to do, before they hit the bucket. Ordinary. But if the dying duo includes Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, the ordinary story gets a dash of extraordinary. Specially when the two are poles apart and are called upon to play characters they are adept at essaying.

Jack Nicholson is Jack Nicholson: the irascible, mean, impolite millionaire who has made his millions, but has no one to share the bounty with. He's failed miserably in all his relationships, despite being married four times and having a daughter who hasn't seen him for years. The only person he can communicate with is his secretary, but he makes it a point to be offensive with him too. Morgan meanwhile, is so very Morgan: the gentle giant who may not have the millions, having spent his life under cars as a mechanic; yet he has family, family values and faith. Despite their class differences, the two cancer patients find a camaraderie that sees them sharing some of the most memorable moments of their lives together, even as they attend to all the unfinished business before signing off. So you have them sky diving, Himalaya climbing, Taj wowing, Pyramid gazing....and giving each other the lessons in life that still remain unlearnt.

A sweet, feel good film about death and friendship, The Bucket List is more about kalakars (actors) than and this picture became my inspiration and guideline if ever I become terminally ill. I want to get medical help only from Govt hospital, or a catholic hospital. not in other hospital. and never at the mercy any one or any body. 
In my old age i wish to spend in a Old age home rather than to live  and become a stumbling block to any person I am saving something for myself so that in my stormy days, i at least get some thrill in life asin Bucket list. .. I know life is not cinema, but the theme of the picture is awesome.  Free soul is all that matter. Free soul cannot be tied up and ruled over, or oppressed.   this Picture also has christian message, from Freeman to Nicholson.
This thing I like in English movies, Most of the movies are with a message. a lesson for life. No dances or shouting, stunting,( a lean hero beating /wrestling 50 people ata time, hahaha funny scenes, and vulgar jokes by buffoons of the cine field..)Lady villians, break dances , etc makes most of the Telugu films90% makes the viewers mad dogs, and they behave like that in real life too.
Think what you gained, Think what you loose in your personal relations, Jesus told us only one thing, Love others, cant you love your mother and respect her for what all that she did strive for your comfortable life? cant you remember for all the tears she shed for you in her lonely prayers. Can you get a heart like hers? and can you get a mother like her in this life?

/Read this little story.........


A man stopped at a flower shop to order some flowers to be wired to his mother who lived two hundred miles away.
As he got out of his car he noticed a young girl sitting on the curb sobbing.
He asked her what was wrong and she replied, "I wanted to buy a red rose for my mother.
But I only have seventy-five cents, and a rose costs two dollars."
The man smiled and said, "Come on in with me. I'll buy you a rose."
He bought the little girl her rose and ordered his own mother's flowers.
As they were leaving he offered the girl a ride home.
She said, "Yes, please! You can take me to my mother."
She directed him to a cemetery, where she placed the rose on a freshly dug grave.
The man returned to the flower shop, canceled the wire order, picked up a bouquet and drove the two hundred miles to his mother's house.

your presence , your touch , your smile is all that she wants, not your duty-bound- drops -of affection.

Life goes on and on... and Past is becoming Present, what we see in others are seen in us, in our own lives.. we too behave like that.. by the time we realize what is our mistake, the people who were deserved to get our attention leave us.. and they never come back to us, however we regret we cannot talk to them or let them know how sorry we are!!
So Awake, Arise do the needful in time.  Let not the Present become the Past. Give time to introspect your inner feelings.. There is a darker side of every being.

Old is Gold

                  There is sweetness and hotness, and beauty and rhythm, and harmony in the past.   I do not know the past of the present generation. I do not know ever they could think of their past with nostalgic feelings like we do of younger girls of 1960s....and 70s. I feel that was the golden age of people on this Earth. The wonderful English pictures.like  the Ten Commandments, Sound of Music,My fair lady,  and some other classics.  And those wonderful Hindi, Telugu, and English  songs... with melodious music and theme, like Ye mera prem pathr,  Pagale vennala, and Oh Diana... and singers like Latha, suseela , Jim reeves... !!!
                   The jobs were plenty , the studies were concentrated, the novels and magazines were meaningful. The Radio, the cinema, the books , the schools were conveying values like punctuality, honesty, love, respect, manners, patriotism,  fear of God, discipline, and sacrificial life. There was hormony among the people, we never knew the caste of our friends, the inter religious , and inter caste marriages were many. People used to try to keep their word given.        
                   Clothes were very limited, but those were very choosy and beautiful.  Food items on the table were  very limited too, but tasty and dainty.  When we go to hotel, which was a very rare phenomena, there were hardly 4 or 5 items on the menu list on the black board, and they were good and healthy items. There was honesty among the businessmen and they were trying to keep the customers by their best services.
                     We used to have family doctors, who visit the house often, and who knows the medical history of every member in the home. The simple medicine they prescribe used to heal us and restore our health in no time.
              People used to trust one another, the cheaters are looked down by whole society and avoided by every one. so Good name Good reputation were being sought by 99% of the people. Workers have the virtue of gratitude, and used to give the best services to their masters, saying that they owe much to them for they eat at their homes.
            The education in the schools do not cover much syllabus, but every one in the class become good students, by learning good language techniques. On the whole people used to think and live according to their hearts' dictation. Therefore the life was simple and sweet. No complications of misunderstandings, Friendship was without any tags, it was just sweet communion between them.
I invite comments of disagreement and agreement  please do so.

Summer, Summerer, and Summerest

Summer, the hottest season of the life;  No life out side, all faces are withered, all people are tired and sweating, too many accidents on the roads, and the derailment of the rail bogies, death  and thirst prevails the day. No body dares to go out, except the employees and business people.  There is power cut all through the night, and many hours in the day.  Life is  at stand still.  Nobody likes to meet the other or like to invite the other to home. In fact no body like to go to others house.  The heat wave is so much everybody terrified to leave the doors.
 The floor and the roof of the house is hot, the chairs and car tops, steering, and the seat of the two wheeler is hot.  the water in the taps are hotter.  There are so many deaths due to heat wave. The children and old people suffer much. The patients and pregnant women suffer much more. Strange disease like swine flu and bronchitis  , colora prevails here and there. Prickly heat makes the faces  ugly.. to look at.  And people shout at the other and quarrel without reason as they are too tired to speak softly.

Some people like  us get up early in the morning,  and finish the days course quickly before  the sun rises, and hide ourselves in the little rooms where AC is available.  Takes long showers of bath, and use plenty of talcum powder and some mild perfumes, to make life easier, and drinks lots of water preserved in the clay pot.
White saris, and facial massages, and water melons make life tolerable.  Endless chit chat on the mobile, and endless viewing of the TV news, and real life stories here and there in a few channels help to pass on the hours in the day time to pass on .

But only a few people have such easy life, may be the hosuewives enjoy this life all throuh their life time. But as this is the first time to stay back in the blessed Eluru in this month after a gap of 6 years, I am wondering, how come the people in Eluru are surviving all this Summer.

The munjulu( white soft little juicy fruits taken from hard core black bi fruit.), mangoes, mallelu,( white little scented flowers) water melons, karbuja,  make life colorful even in this terrified heat of the day. Shopping in AC malls makes life a bit cozy and comfort.  And the long drive in the evenings thrills the spirit, though the spirit of the engine has become too costly, i.e,. Rs, 81. 35 paise per leter.  The vegetables become too costly, the politics has become too dirty. It look like all mad dogs are left on the streets at once.  Barking , shouting, criticizing, ridiculing, and self boasting  has become the principle of the these TV politician dogs.

For the common man , a few bags of rice, a pot of pure water , and a few clothes only and power isare enough, and he could be easily satisfied , but it also became a rare phenomena in India.  the politicians are robbing crores,  cheating in crores,  talking in terms of crores. Money and power is the rule of the day. Black mailing and corruption is the values of the human dogs.  There is no place for honesty, interety,  students copy  in the exams, and teachers help the mass copying.  children kill the parents for property, and parents sell the children for money.
Life on the whole is absurd, terrible , and stupid.
But still there is the ray of hope for the people who trust in God but not in the money in the purse, or bank.
His helping hand is there always, to shelter his children from the heat of the day, and storms of the life.God  is more needed now in the life more than any time.

Since the Face Book

Since the Face Book started into my life, during my last visit to Virginia, there has been dearth of postings in my blog.  The thirst for writing , and publishing , and sharing with family and friends through the blog has been replaced by Facebook. In short, I found there would be more viewers and readers of my postings in Facebook, rather than my blog, as there are limited social net work friends for me here:;  and also it is not viewed publicly as it in the case of Facebook,
But , alas, I lost the most beautiful way of articulating my thoughts into words, in Facebook. The nature of Facebook is it would not allow you to put pages and pages of life history, observations, and reflections , as the space provided there is limited. And that too, now a days no body has time and patience to read pages, hardly they find time to read a few lines.  How many days , may be 25/30 days of a month the news paper lies there on the portico without being read, Because the news comes in it early in the morning is already out dated. The TV gives Breaking News all the time, and the public are aware of the incidents in a second, as it happens. Sometime/ More times, they see live shows of news, so the Headlines in the news papers are already 24 hours late information for us in this speedy world.
And about the magazines, books, short stories, novels... oh, no place for these beautiful friends in the homes and in the lives of the people. TV,& Computesr are fulfilling every craving for new information.
A book in the hand, in the bus stop , orat traveling points, is replaced by Ipod, mobile cells. and lap tops.
Hardly we see any one reading a book in public places.  We used to read some book or magazine while waiting for the Doctor's appointment, even that is replaced by small idiot box on the wall. Every patient and his attendant are glued to this box stretching their necks up, to stare at the screen.  Hardly the human relations takes place.
 The family is the most effected and destroyed unit due to the high tech appliances of Information.
               In this context, could we go back to the past golden days? Impossible. It cannot be.  In fact if we go further into our ancestors lives, they were more happier than any one. Because, the Speed did not touch their lives. They were the agriculture folks, depending upon the Nature, for their livelihood, The nature taught them to wait patiently for the fruit of the land. Patience is the letter of life. Their attitudes, emotions, life pattern everything ruled by patience, the lessons taught by the Mother Nature.  The result of theri hard work and patience is Fruit of the land to meet their simple needs. But now the result of man's toil is Paper bucks, We fill our granaries, Banks with paper, unlike the food grains. Do not know when this paper money lost its value, the humankind is allways at the brink of suspension, tension, and uncertainity.
 Our old saying, is, " One who trusts the land never fails"  is true by all means.
But again the question, can we go back to that Seed values, leaving this Speed values??
Can not be. Life is at its hike. Technology, Globalization, Privatization, cannot take back step.
As a result, the family relations are taken up as just contract. and for the selfhish errands. No commitment, no sacrifice, no love.. these are the strange and useless words for the present day generation.
What is life for , after all to live happily. If this is not achieved what is the use of earning and working and saving and working?  
My question is, can we find Time to develop our soft skills, like, expression of love, acts of commitment, and sacrifice, deeds of kindness....? Whatever you do , However you are busy without a little time for yourself, there won't be a sigh of peaceful contentment in your heart.  Remember there is difference between Sheep and goats all the time. Sheep are sheep, goats are goats... their deeds of spending their money, time, makes the difference. Thier expression of love and affection makes the difference. Their life goals, of searching for the needy and poor, meeting their needs makes the difference. Forget about what you do for your after life., here in this world one hour / or one half day in a month for such needy, the time you spent with them, the comforting hand you lend to them makes all the diffence.... FIND WHAT YOU NEED THE MOST... DON'T LET THE LIFE STEER YOU, YOU STEER YOUR LIFE... because the Poor are allways there for you .

Little achievements ...

Good that my heart is at rest to scribble a few lines here, after a long period of time.
I have been very busy these days but only with plannings and schemes to do. Hope one day these plans will come into exist. I am spending time in such a cozy manner, without much distractions from out side. only a limited few friends visit me, and only a few outings I chose carefully.
Now as there is a lot of time at my disposal, I pray God that I could use it prosperously.

Gone are the days of self pity, and gone are the days of futile efforts of achieving something, a morsel of food, well cooked and a little extra effort to clean and decorate the little house, God has given to me , makes me really serene and sweet at my own.

How many people would have such utopia, of calm and healthy life in spite of not having any one around. I see God has brought me this far, hoping to bring something great into my life.I need to be vigilant and look out for such great things to happen with His help.

He takes away all that is unnecessary in life, He takes away all that I lean upon without any reason, He takes away what is a hindrance to my growth even at this autumn years of life.
And He lovingly brings into my life new people, new thoughts, new desires, and new opportunities.. only thing i need to seek His will and rest upon His great wisdom, to put the things in to practice.
Just wait and see, has become the slogan of this little life, wondering at the same time that I should not waste the great days of His care for me.
Oh How I wish that I can do something concrete which benefits my thirsting soul for achievements. I wonder the phrase , how can one persons efforts of this life will be beneficial to the generations to come except that they exceed in scientific fields, like T homos Alwa Edison, John Gutun Burg etc and etc, and may be some writers like John Bunyan and missionaries like Hudson Taylor etc. All others who strive so much but achieve only for a little, are forgotten very easily.. and their works never get any recognition beyond the roof.
But still there is a hope that all seeing God would love even the little work we do for good. The work down behind the curtains, the work done which is far from the human eye, the work which is not counted by human standards.. would never be ignored by Him...
This solace makes the mankind to strive thru the life and do the things that gives some satisfaction.......

Oppression

Many things are happening, and I feel that I am as busy as the bee. without any concrete result of the daily life. The maid is absent since a few days, I am working as I never before. Happy , my daughter is the sole inspiration behind my work here. I all ways remember how energetically she works from day to night. Atleast I need not cook for others, as she does. At this age even this work takes off most of my strength, and I try to pacify my aching body with good sleep in the afternoons.
I see many people are suffering so much without any reason. They are good and gentle people but others are taking advantage of them and suppress and oppress them mentally and physically even. I whisper a prayer for them and I thank God how lovelingly he placed me in this house away from all such people. ( to be continued)

Cast Away........Blessing in Desguise.

Religion has its deepest roots in the hearts of human beings.There is a void in the heart of man, only God can satisfy it.
The film "CAST AWAY" is a good example of that. A man who was in a Ship wreck finds himself on a lonely island, for many years, no one to talk, nothing lively anywhere, it was a deserted piece of land where there were no living thing at all except some trees. He made "FIRE" and to see that burning makes him to have desire to live. but he needs to talk... to someone.. he got a coconut and put some features on it with the blood oozing out of a cut in his hand, and he puts it on rock and started to share his feelings.. with it. Ultimately at the end of his last of hope .. somebody found him and brought him back to his town. There he found his wife was all ready married somebody else, thinking that he died , He could not face the fact, but slowly he realized his predicament, that he lost every thing in his life...the film ends he standing on four road junction, trying to choose which way to go. Tom Hanks, and Helen Hunt acted in this. The whole story was 95% of it one man show, the man on deserted island.
I was moved by the way the man lives alone in an island. and the way he was trying to communicate with some body.
This blog is that somebody for me, it wont answer me back or has power to change things, but I need somebody where I can pour out my inner most feelings without any disguise.

Prayer is something else, That is the direct talk to Supreme Being in His name. His name is Jehovah meaning " I AM I AM" The Israelite called His name , worshiped in His name. there is power in His name . There is no other name as such this name who proclaims that "I AM I AM" no other one, is there beside Him, Moses the prophet found this God and found His name for us. Its not like talking to a coconut with bloody features. Talking to this God is not just religion, and its not a religion. Its the path of contacting him and can be possible only by uttering His name, the name He has bestowed on His only begotten son, Jesus Christ. Son is in the Father, and Father is in the Son , they are one and the same.
So when man is alone he depends on God more and more. As he needs to talk to some one, and that some one would be The Father God. This blog is a way of reflecting on my changing moods, my deep thoughts, my very own voice to my self. Praying is talking to God , telling Him what I am, because His name has power in it, as I do pray in His name , things get changed, and I change.. for better.
That is the difference between talking to some one unknown without a name and talking to God the Creator of this world. He has revealed His name, so that we can reach Him. What loving God we have . He has given us loneliness..to know Him better, to go closer to Him. Praise God.

Power of hot/cold blood

Power of youthful blood is known only when you get cold blood in old age. The hair gives away its lustrous look, and becomes rough, and gray, the eyes cheat you making you think that you saw some one else while you are looking at some body, the teeth get loosen and unless you get new set , the loosen ones effect your health through your saliva and blood vessels, the knees get fragile, and toes become swifty, and you wonder why you are falling down without your knowledge. All those things you did in the past , like getting down from the train while still it going on, or getting into it while pushing all others just to get a comfortable seat in unreserved seat,or enjoying the smell of the flowers, taste of spicy food, seeing new places climbing steep steps to get a better view, becomes a unknown life happened to you as if it in a dream.

What happened to that sweet smile, sharp eyes, hearty laughter, musical voice, teasing tone, and springy feet? Those were the days when , wanted to pursue so many useful things, like social service and writing novels, learning musical instruments, driving long long distances, but there was no time then,so postponed everything for the retirement days; and now after the retirement just doing the household things also give lot of strain on the body, and makes me to take longer time to finish any given errand.
They are wise to make 58 years as the retirement age, so that they need not have old people in their work places.

Only thing is my brain is still active, still able to think and able to remember, the long term memory is still intact, ofcourse the short term memory is showing its aged symptoms now and then and making me miserable sometimes. So what I am thinking is why should not I use this memory and put down all that it gives me to record.
May be one of my grand grand children would find my writings worth while and make it published novel and my surname MALAKA would become sweeter name in my long distance family circle??? oh oh, these and other unfullfilled desires of my dad's longing for male child and thus carrying the surname becoming my obsession of life now a days. I am the only first one who sudied post graduation, and being a lady who can drive the car , and who visited the foriegn country, only lady who put lipstick and nail polish.. etc..hahaha. in our MALAKA circle. ...umm , thoughts running like a flow of waterfall, flying like a bird without wings.

And when I see other people who achieved so much but gained nothing in their lives, I am again depressed. some days in my life are really colourful, bright, red, yellow, orange and green... but some days are just gloomy , dark, black and brown.. and depressive. Do every body feel like me?? or only me feel like this and make my life miserable for myself and for others around .
Actually I had an idea to go to ooty and settle there, just to have beautfiul surroundings, and cool breeze, snow fall, and unknown people and utter privacy , lonely lonely undistrurbed life. Even I thought of learning the language of the tribals there and do some God's ministry there. Haha ha.. I even bargained a cottage on top of a hillock so that I could go and live there, in every summer, till I get retired. haha , now all that became another dream , Now after my retirement I found that my hot blood is no more flowing in my viens, and my cold blood is giving me lot of cramps in the legs and at the back of chest. And God has rightly kept me in a tropical place where I can sustain without much grief.
Even I thought I can keep my mother aged 78 with me and bring my aged aunties of 70 years, and 65 years and give them real wonderful care and thereby I can get some thrill in life. haha... another shock, my mom as of any aged person longed to go back to her own single room where she was much accustomed since 1985... the old surroundings, the old familiar people, and thereby my stupid imagination of keeping and caring her was nullified to the very core of its seedling.
Now after much thinking, and meditating, brooding, discussing with myself, I realized that the my bed room is the most deceiving/cheating and panic room to end all my desires of becoming a writer. So I found another small room suddenly extending into most comfortable spacious room after moving the furniture hither and thither, and became the most beautiful room with utter silence and calm and soothing atmosphere.
I have nice cosy small single bed with a comfortable table and book stand with two tubelights, and one cieling fan and one table fan and an easy chair to sit comfortably to type on my lap top.
HEY EUREKHA... I found my comfort right in my small house. and in my small room. without any distractions of TV or sleeping bed.
Let me see how many more days I can live in this UTOPIA .... my mind is cheater. I cannot believe it. Let me trust in God who can make me the beloved child of His. Only thing is I put my supplications with all my views, imaginations, and desires at His feet. I am sure He would see after that, and give me only the best which would make me feel good.
God be with me and bless me. Lord please bless me Lord. STrengthen my right hand. extend my territory. and Help me out of all sad and evil things.
Because even today I wept bitterly after seeing the old photoes of my dear dear husband, whenever he comes in my dream I still see him ailing with some pain or suffering from sickness. The stress , the agony , the fear, I suffered during his illness, do not leave me still, that shock of his abrupt departure , still haunt me , and wounds me deeply, still, and without my effort my eyes shed tears, and my heart wrenches itself painfully. I know if he is alive he would be 64 years by now, and must be very weak, and fragile.. but that would not deter me from weeping for my loss. I want him desperately, I need him to talk, I need him to share my foolish deeds, I need him to discuss things .. most of all I need him to pray together. That loss makes me miserable still, and makes me to cry aloud at times. I know its foolishness, but you know , my brain is still active, though my body is weak, I think , i dream, I desire, I imagine, I have intellectual imagination, and I want him to be with me to go out, to shop out, to appreciated my cooking, my decoration of the house, my kitchen garden, my good saries, I want him to smile at me, and to tell me some jokes to make me laugh. Nobody can full fill this dearth of loss in life.
Even at this age, even after 12 years of his demise still my brain works so actively/? my body is not as active as my brain, but I still need a comforting shoulder to cry sometimes. I need a comfortable hand to tap on my head, when I told him that I did a mistake..!!
Last night he came in my dream, so sick so weak... but still I need him. Why? that 22 years of married life can not be forgotten?? I lived with my dad for 26 years, but his death do not cut my heart like this. His death I could accept, I remember his love and his encouragement, but it would not hurt me as my husband's death do to me. ...........
I wonder how many more days, months, years I have to live like this in this room alone, alone and alone. Would I die just as alone as I am now? or would I die among other old women of my age, in an old age home? or would I die in a hospital after much physical suffering? Or would I die among the people who would not love me for I am old and useless, and nagging, and sick?? would I die among the loving people around me??
I am scared of my future. Because the future is certainly not a youthful future, its not a healthy future, its not an active future. No dreams for the future. No goal for it. just spending every day somehow and waiting for the next day. When it is sunset I feel ok let me go to bed and try for some sleep. and when it is sunrise , ok let me do my daily course and keep myself busy with something, so that I can keep myself healthy. At the same time, feeling some cramp somewhere, some pain some where, and wondering why this, is this pain is a passing pain/ or some symptom of some horrible disease that I may encounter shorty..or in long run?? after that pain subsided, again this active brain of mine plans , imagines a number of schemes of work hoping I will be useful to my self and to others, especially to my children and grand children..
wow this cold blood would not allow me to do any thing that I want to do.. as the days go by I will find myself imprisoned into my own body. my spirit would tie up to my own wrinkled body and I see that I am here on this earth not able to do anything. Oh God please help me.

Catch the Air!!!!!

Some times I feel that I am really good, some times i am just feeling that i am good for nothing, no use in this world, and much afraid to live for longer time. I do not know how would be my future. How would be my old age. where i need to live. oh i must do some research about the good christian old age homes, where they would send me peacefully to the other shore of the river. who would help me to cross the river peacefully.
I am really scared where I would live , how I would live and how would be my end. how many more years/months/days I have to live. I really feel that my work here in this world is over, and i need not live any more. But to finish is not in my hands. "Finished" is the word, my Lord uttered on the cross. It was the last word from His mouth. He finished His life, His work , His sacrifice, successfully according to the Plan of the Father God.
And why this gloom is overwhelming me all in a sudden sometimes.The more I live, the more I realized that i am toiling to catch the air. That is what Solomon the wise king saith. Trying to catch the air. Life is trying to catch the air. nothing but trying to catch air. No goal, No interests to carry on. Even if I try health would not permit me. so only thing is finding the power in prayer. Only that will give me strength, and joy in life. If one day i neglect that , there is not power in life. Prayer has power. And I must have that power. only at the feet of Jesus i will get it. Let me really try for it.

Past---Present---choosing place to live

People often ask me, ---- "Why I am staying alone in Eluru, whereas my children are in America and Australia, why I would prefer to go and stay with them, rather than staying here, who is here, to look after me, what is the use of living all alone in this house."

--- Even the so called heads of the evangelical groups started to pray that I should evacuate the house , so that they can use my premises for their vested interests in the name of religion. Their kindly advice goes like this, -----" hey , you widow, your husband was such a godly man, he lived for God and died in God service, you as a lonely widow cannot maintain the house, and the garden (????) , better you sell this place to us to the lowest price that ever exist, and thereby God would bless you and your children for the little sacrifice you do"-------
I was asked by my friends, what is the meaning of living all alone in an individual house. and they freely gave their easy advice telling me to buy a flat in an apartment, and shift from here.
Some started to tell me that this house is not very good according to their superstitions and thereby i better demolish this and construct another one; which may cost me around 20 lakhs... , knowing pretty well that I need not go through all that unnecessary ordeal at this age. ( I am 59, nearing 60 years)
Strangely, only my neighbors never uttered a single word against my stay over in this street, living all alone. We purchased this house in the year 1994 and they know how I lived with my husband and children, my job, my children studies, my children marriages, my grand children.etc etc.
Even my own kith and kin, especially my own blood relations, have an yellow eye on my comfortable life, and they inwardly crave for the piece of land my dad has given to me, and they covet that hoping that they could lay down their greedy hand on it if only I leave this country and die else where.
So I started to quest the answer for these questions, brooding over these simply stupid advices , wondering how far they meant to be good for me.
So here I am recording what all that I did after I have come from USA after 5 months long stay, what I gained there, what I lost here, evaluating my life. The pros and cons of my life there and here.
First of all let me put down what I have done after I came on Nov 23rd 2011.
I got a flight to Gannavaram straight from Shamshabad and reached home with the help of my kindly friends, Karun and Sunder who has come all the way to the Airport to transport me to my home. The love and kindness, the effort they have taken the money they spent for me on petrol cannot be counted in coins. I owe them my love and prayers for their development in spiritual and academic lives. Their parents Indira and kaviraju , a constant comfort to my ailing lame life since the days of my husband.
Even in shamshabad airport Solomon and his dad, Able Raju came to see me to leave for eluru. He bought a flight ticket for me from Hyderabad to eluru, and of course i paid the money back to them. But the effort they have taken to send me off, is cannot be measured in money wise.
After I came , the first news i heard is that Andal my dear friend who used to call me "Akka" since the beginning of our acquaintance had passed away just the same day I arrived to Eluru, only a few hours before.
So the very next day as soon as I came to know that sad news, I rushed to their home taking some of the people I knew in the church. I spent some time there talked to many known people whom I did not see for an year from that day.
The next day I went to see Manimma, my old teacher friend of ages, who lost her ailing husband when I was in USA I spent some time with them , thanking God for Krupa who was my helper to give some companionship , at home.
Manimma and her son tried to inflict strange ideas of true church , trying to win my confidence telling me that " the Church of Christ is the only true church as it is founded on the name of Jesus Christ. They claimed that the member of their church will go to heaven but no the other churches because all the other churches are not in the name of Jesus Christ, but in the name of leaders or on their concepts.
Later I come to know Hari , our beloved girl who died when i was in USA , her memorial service would be conducted in Thadepalli Gudem, So I took a cab and visited that place and od has given me an opportunity to speak about her in the service. Later I went to Kakinada and stayed with Aunty for one night , the next day I went to steel plant where I could visit Hema and vijaya valli , had lunch there and went to see my mother in vizag and we went to see chinnababy and stayed that night there and next day stayed with mom , cleaned my room and returned home after three days of journey. It costed me 5450 rupees.
Next I had a letter from DHE office that I need to tie up new proposals for revised pay scale pension plan. so I had to book a ticket in the berth bus and went and stayed with Solome and Able Raju family, we went to the house of Manohara, and Joy and another house, later we went to ECIL and went to the hosue of prabhavathi sister of Madhulikha, and to the hosuer of anohter sister where i gave word of God to Leelavathi, suneetha and other sisters like Jayakumari, I met Reddyanna in the bus stop.later i stayed till annie come and then went and stayed with mary aunty, for three days. Durin that stay I visited Pushpa house, Nirmala house, and Kumar house, and Padma house and Cecelia house and Pushapavathi house. I visited Menonite church. Later i returned home I thought I should not travel any more.
But it so happened my mom said that she is willing to come to eluru so I booked another cab and went to pick up my mom , on the way I went to see Brother Rufus house in Rajahmundry. Sr. Theresa Cherian in Mangalapalem in St Anne High school , later I came home the same day at about 12 midnight.
Today I went to a wedding of Timothy and Hepsiba in Abraham church . I went to Madhavi house for dinner , and also I went to see Sr Mercy and SR Ursula , I went to Old students day, and Christmas party in the college, also went to Mrs Catherine husband memorial day in thanallamudi . I went to Bible study twice, in CYSC and went to Mrs swarna kamala house twice and Anila house once and visited every hosue in our street on Jan 1st to ive some cakes and fruits. I attended the wedding of Joshua son of bro. Devasahayam. and attended Andal memorial service. I went to see Christina who lost her teenage daughter in an accident, also attended the memorial serice . I visited the house of Babu rao and Esther and prayed . I visited my old student house Sailaja and spend some time with her and her husband. I visited Nirmala jyothi and Neeraja and spend one afternoon, in their apartment opposite BSNL office. All this happend in my life within the span of 64 days in India. Life is good and active, and energetic, and lively. I donot feel lonely here. I cook well and eat well and I have visitors at home. like Sridevi, Achuthamba and krishan rao, Bardwaja, Murali, Abraham Santhakumari Renson babu, Lazrus, Suresh, and many others.
I went to Vijayroy and visited the site of Happy and james, and visited the hosue of Nagaswarao.
So this is my life , tomorrow I will go to Madhulatha hotel to spend some time with my college friends on occasion of retirement of Leelakumari. Later i have some errand to finish in CYSC as a helping hand to John Ratnam aunty.
This is how my life at random sample, I visited Dental hospital thrice all ready for some errand, Ao this my life so busy and happy in Eluru, in India. I went to I bought good blouses and got them stitched, I shopped in Hyderabad and bought 4saries and i shopped in CMR in vizag and bought 2 sarees there. Thus my craving for shopping also fulfilled. I lived my life as I like .uht good nice hand bags, and bought saries for my sisters Is it possible in USA or in Vizag ??? Never never , I went to Virginia beach , visited many houses parties, and bible study classes, women retreats and sing simplicity classes, restaurants, but those were not my choice , i just attended along with he other family, the family of Happy and james, even the shopping was not of my choice. i had really really great life, but some how i did not have that thrill and freedom now I enjoy here, there i visited Lynchburg and even the life there was active and energetic but i had to travel in their car, and i was just passive spectator, I had no choice of my own, i just follow the life they lead. umm any way, in vizag i never know any one there if i went with my sisters, social get together s. i had friends in the church but i did not have my own vehicle, i had to depend on some others to go out not like in Eluru, ...(2 b cont)