Storms... a purpose to full fill

We tend to look at the disasters in our life very negatively, unless, you are really part of the show. You will see the hand of God, in mysterious way, and wonder how gracefully He designed every detail of it, and how He wonderfully shows His majestic signature on our lives.

This incident happened long back, but it is as fresh as the sweet white Lilly on a green pasture, with dew drops on it,early in the cool morning, in my mind's eye.

I was 25 years old, and working as a Lecturer in a reputed college in India. That was my third year of my service, and I was staying in the college hostel.
The summer holidays started from April 30th, 1979. A circular was brought by an attender to the staff members asking us to write our name in the chosen slot of the working dates during the holidays for the examinations invigilation. There were three slots, 1. from May 1st to May 10th; 2. from May 11th to 21st and 3. from May 22nd to 31st.

            That year as My dear father was also come to know of Jesus , I was thrilled to take him to the much awaited summer Retreat in Chennai, India. The dates of the Retreat were given as 13th May, to 23rd of May, I signed my name in the first slot of duties. That is 1st May to 10th May.

                 We were staying in the New hostel building, but as the exams would be conducted in the Old campus we were asked to vacate the New campus and take a room in Old campus. So when I went there I informed the Warden sister, that I would leave the hostel on 10th evening. In those days there were not much reservation of the railway tickets. There used to be lot of space to travel, my father and all others coming from my home town, Vizag did not get any reservation of berths in the Mail Express that goes to Chennai. So my plan was when I saw them in the Railway station, I could just join them then there.

        But on 7th of May, the principal, Sr. Josephine asked me to meet her soon after my invigilation duty was over. she was a dictator, though she is very kind and generous towards some of the staff, she likes. I used to pray much for her kind treatment whenever I need to meet her in her chamber.

             So when I was asked to come in side, I saw another Tamil lecturer in zoology, who was the favorite of sister principal. In front of her, principal told me "leela, Roopa got some urgent work, so you have to do the invigilation in her place from 13th May to 23rd May.
         I meekly replied, "But sister , I am planning to go to Chennai for the summer retreat."
 " Hey I told you, to do this work , and you do" she just blurted out.
          I did not know what to say, for she dismissed me, and went outside of the room. I could not say anything.
           So I went out and gave a telegram to my dad, like this," Dad, principal is not sending me to the retreat, so please give her a telegram that my presence is essential and ask her to send me immediately"

        I would not speak a lie , and I cannot give any lame excuses of sickness of any one in the telegram to her.
           So as I expected the next day he sent the telegram, but only after that day, while I was getting ready for the invigilation ofJunior Intermediate examinations, the attender, Thota Venkateswar rao came with a paper of pink color. As soon as I saw it I recognized that it was a telegram, he said," Miss, principal asked me to give it to you."

             It was opened already, so I took it and read the message, " My daughters presence is essential, so please send her" , it was given by my dad to her.

          I asked him" what did the sister say about this?' He replied, "nothing, miss"
            Uhmm, it means I have to meet her once again with that telegram. The time is already 7 ;30, the exam starts at 8am , I have to be there half an hour before the commencement of the exam. so I knelt down and prayed for a few minutes and left for the examination hall.

             After the exam I went to meet principal in her chamber. She saw me but did not asked me to come inside. Even the attender was not given any instructions. I sent word to her that I came to visit her. but no response. I was waiting , it was 12 O' clock in the noon, two hours passed but still , there is no response. at last at 2 ;30 she came out, and she was walking out , completely ignoring me,
        I was after her, and said, 'Sister My father sent a telegram to u,"

       "What is in it?' she queried.as if she does not know. I answered that " My presence was essential,and asked you to give me permission"
          She said, " Give him another telegram that you cannot come" she said coolly, and left the premises.
           I was shocked, I stood still, the telegram paper was in my fist, the tears were gushing out uncontrollably, ( All this was witnessed by an young sweet sister student, Sr Ursula, She became our Sr superior now in our college, the other day she was telling me that she knew all that happened that day, and she was the silent witness for my tears, at the corner of the building) I just tore down the paper, and left hurriedly to my room, and knelt down with anguish and poured out my heart tearfully.


           This is one of those times, where I downpour my heart in His presence, without words, just my tears, my inner questions, my anguish, untold, unspoken. All knowing Lord first comforts me with ever lasting love, then, I asked Him all that is in my heart. I told Him, "that I am really angry with that sister principal, she is so unjustful, and partial, and that I was just angry with her."
There was just a great calm in my heart, after I thus poured out my heart to the lover of my soul, who knows my thoughts before I get them.

           In that calmness, as if I am in trance I picked up the little book, "OUR DAILY BREAD" and turned to that day daily portion,
          I have no tears, no questions any more, just I WAS STILL , when I saw the title of that daily portion, I was just awe stricken. I will scan that paper and post it here as it is. Presently, I am going to write how I felt the wonderful presence of God.

PRAYER CHANGES THE PRAY_ER" is the title.

that day daily portion was the book HABAKKUK , whileI was reading the first chapter, I saw the prophet was wailing just like me, saying "why this injustice? why people behave in such unjust fully way" but by the end of the 3rd chapter it was written by the same prophet that he is happy even though there is nothing for him. "though the fig tree does not blossom... yet will I rejoice in the Lord."Iin that daily portion it was written, that "do you have any anger towards any one who are treating you unjustfully?" that was the direct question to my heart, I felt the presence of God there. So I closed my eyes and wiped the tears on my cheeks, and kept my right hand on my heart and replied to God, "yes Lord I am angry with principal" then the the voice of the Lord was telling me "just take away that anger and see what I will do for you" Immediatly I obeyed God, and said to HIm, " yes Lord I forgive her with all my heart" and just opened the Bible, and I saw there the verse, "The Lord is mighty God and He perform greater miracles" in the psalms.
then I told the Lord, Lord if you are going to do such great things in my life, I just yeield to you. and I spent some time in His wonderful presence, and when I got up, there was no sadness, no fear, no anxiety, no anger, my heart was free, and unknown joy filled my heart. I cannot describe it here, i felt great presence of God in my heart, so i was so calm and quiet in my soul.
There was a song in my heart,
Though the fig tree does not blossom....but i changed it into like this "Though the principal does not send me ... Yet will rejoice in the lord."
That night great storm came and the next day when i went to the college, there it was written on the black board that the "intermediate exams are indefinitely postponed" So i need not do any invigilation, and I need not ask the permission of principal to go to retreat.
the rest of the story was just a test to my faith, there were no trains to go to chennai, but i waited for long hours in the railway station, till a train comes, and though the tickets were not issued, we managed to get a ticket for me , and thought the travel was extended for two days, instead of one night, that was the most wonderful journey for me for I traveled with my father, first time to the retreat and with many miracles of that sort.

Hurricanes, Storms.... a purpose to full fill

Psalm 69:1-2
Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold.I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me.

Incident 1.
I am now in Chantilly, VA USA with Happy and James and children. They have predicted a great Hurricane today, and its going on now.
All of us are in the basement watching the TV. the news channel.
I am in my room, and I am forced to remember the year 1989, when I went to Refresher's course at Bangalore University for a three week programme. Children and my husband were at home, in Eluru. India. We were staying in a rented house in the middle portion, which has a big hall for the children to play. The portion next to us was empty and I managed to get one christian family for rent on behalf of the owner of the house. Hoping that there would not be any objections for the prayers to be conducted in our house and in the hall on Saturdays.
but strangely the lady of that portion developed jealousy towards us and became very non cooperative in every aspect of our stay over there. she started to be friendly with the owners of the house and forced them to tell us to vacate the portion we were staying so far. It was much humiliation for us, but both of us took the challenge very humbly, not even in the heart we hated her. We simply took the issue to the Lord in prayer. When this news was known in the church we go, one staff nurse told us that they have constructed a new house and that they are vacating a rented house, which was a bit near to the house we stay then, and that they would vacate it at the end of the month. so with this information I went to the Refreshers course.
But from the day one there was great storm all over the south India, esp Andra and Karnataka, There is no communication between me and m family. By the time I come home I heard a great story of God's rescue of our family.
when i was away from the home, the owners and the staff nurse brought great force on my husband that we should vacate the house immediately. As he was a godly man he said he would. just then the sister from the church told him that they have preponed their housewarming programme to their new house to 15 days prior to the actual date. so we can shift into their rented house on 16th of that month.
My husband' sbrother came to help him in shifting the rain was down pouring, and in that situation my husband with the two little children vacated the house and landed into much smaller house in a little distance of the old one.
Within two or three hours, there was flood in that area, the canals around the city were flooded and the houses were immersed, the water was all over the rooads and streets. the old house which we vacated was filled with water to the half of its walls, the family which conspired to send us away had no place to stay so they went up to the terrace and lived there for three days.
the water came even into the compound of the new house but the other two portions were having water to the knee deep, and the water did not come to the second step of the house where we shifted that morning.
the water just stopped there.
The heathen in his office, the neighbors, every one saw the hand of Sovereign God, they said, "Only your God helped you to be in safe land, in time. There was a lot of soot in the houses where there was flood water, but for us there was nothing like that. Is not the name of God glorified? I see the loving God allways at our rescue if only keep low profile and lean upon Him for the justice.
the other incident where He proved that these storms come for special purpose would be a great thrilling story that you would never heard before. I thank God for He showed His mercy in making things possible in a beautiful way.

Psychosomatic diseases...?

My stay over here with my grand children is wonderfully colorful, thrilling, and reflecting my dependence on God. It teaches me so many lessons everyday. How I wish I could have a language which can describe every step of my life over here with them.
I see angels hovering over me while I take care of these two cute little ones. I know God often comforts me by sending His angelic children many times in the past. They were there to lift the burden in my heart. Now Jessica( God sees) and Jayden( God hears) gives me immense joy, and I forget all that stress I am facing in my life
In my childhood I faced much agony in my parents home. There were quarrels, over the money matters, and many other things. Jesus was not in our home, those days. Most of my childhood and youthful days I suffered nervous weakness, and lack of stamina in my constitution. After the marriage, though there were some rifts in my family I could manage them by prayer, and forgiveness. There were never any arguments, or shouting in our home, as far as I remember. There were many disagreements because of cultural differences, but we all ways remembered that " A family that prays together stays together>" and I was the first one all ways to seek peace in home by having a family prayer at the end of the day, whatever be the misgivings, or shortcomings in our family.
Family prayer was the pulpit for us to rectify things in amicable way, understand each other in the light of the Word of God.
So after the demise of my dear Husband, whom I loved unconditionally all the time during our 22 short married years, I am obliged to lead a very peaceful life without any arguments, or rift shifts affecting my soul.
The job I enjoyed thoroughly as I used to teach the wonderful subject Social Work which is a humanitarian subject, about the human behaviour and Problems of the human beings ,physical, psychological, economical, and social. As my students were young girls , I enjoyed rather a very young age in my career. I laughed with them, I joked with them, I taught them the Higher values of life. I saw the stars in their eyes while I taught them, I sang with them, I danced with them, I even acted with them in college dramas. so life never gave me rough side to face.
The only loss was the death of my husband, and my continuous lonely nights. Even they were full of silence and peaceful. I spent 10 years like that. But now if I hear any argument, between the near ones, I just could not tolerate psychologically and as a result even I've been affected psychically . Psychosomatic disease has become the way of my life, now. I am getting bouts of head ach and sever body aches,and a rise in the body temperature and Blood pressure. This I see now, a recurring of my life in my parents home. where there were all ways shouts of one nature or the other, where the male dominance was the order of the day. Where the authority, disorder, wordiness, and military discipline ruled over my life. I was a rebel in heart, but lived a very submissive life. There fore I suffered very much in my body, I suffered with bronchitis, doctors thought I would die soon with TB. I was taking a course of medicine till Jesus came into my life, and He touched me.I suffered sever abdominal pains every month, I was twisting and crying aloud at those days, for which I took lot of medicines all my years of youth. I used to get horrible cramps in the legs, and I could not walk when I was attacked thus. I used to have nightmares and used to get up from the sleep, shouting " there is victory in the blood of Jesus"


I found the more calm and quiet I am and enjoy the company of friends, with good rest and good food, my life goes perfectly well,Now, Even if there is any small ups and downs I find it very difficult to adjust. I prefer the places and people with whom I feel comfortable with, and live in. After all, there may be a very few more years for me, should I spend my days, still adjusting to different people of different temperaments? Is it necessary at all? Can't I live the rest of life where I am more needed, who would never take me granted, but need me to the utmost like the Poor and needy, and diseased, and dying? I do not know what is kept for me to my end days, but I have decided that I need to spend the rest of life with the downtrodden and least respected in the society. I come to know that I would never find any rest to my soul, and peace to my heart if not in the presence of these people.
Oh Lord help me!!

Signatures of God

                 Signs of God, should we ask for them? Jesus said, that we should not; He said that we will get only one sign, that is, about the Son of God being laid down in the cavity of the earth for three days and three nights,that is the only sign to look for  for this generation.

        But He also said 'be aware of the marks/signs of the end days,' and He has quoted many things that would come before the dooms day/ judgement day.
           I get signatures of God in my life about the presence of God. This I found out very strangely, unexpectedly and as a source of great comfort, joy, and Peace to me. In  fact I must say it was so spectacular, and so awesome.

   Incident .1.     Once I was asked to give a message in a cottage meeting,in Rajahmandry, where there were many families gathered togather.
       I give message of God often, but that day I felt that I am at loss.. It was so unexpected, when the pastor asked me to give a message to the group all in a sudden. They were altogether unfamiliar group, which I never met before a group of families. I spoke about the love of God, for a few minutes, may be thirty or forty minutes.   There was pin drop silence, and when I stopped there was no sound any where.I do not know how far I had reached them, or the message was apt for them. so I came humbly to my seat which was beside a big bed and had hidden my face in my hands to pray.
        There were two children on the bed,sitting as there was no place for them on the floor.Then  one of them suddenly jumped into my lap and whispered into my ears that she and her sister like me very much.
       I was shocked, I do not know what to say. my heart was light, all the heavy curtain overlaps me suddenly lifted up. I felt the presence of God immediately. I never knew these children, I never talked to them I did not know who were their parents, but the message from God through them made me very happy
.
 Incident 2.        Next time when I was traveling from Hyderabad after I left my son at the airport, I was heavy in my heart, I was tired physically and mentally, as my daughter already left me after her marriage to USA, and now my son left me for further studies to Australia.
                      People used to say, 'why you are sending your children to distant countries> why do not you make them to stay with you. why to live alone?'  

      Am I a selfish woman to be like that/ ? If their father is alive would I ever think like that. Should the death of their father be a hindrance to their bright future? and ambitions? I may live for some more years, for my sake should I ask them to forego their plans for life? after my death won't they feel that only because of me their future plans were spoiled? nah no never would I be a stumbling block to their life's ambitions. I will encourage them till I die. Though it may be a lonely life for me, though I need to depend on others for many a tasks at home. Though I may need to end my life in an Old age Home, I will never never make them to think, that because 'our father is not alive we need to sacrifice our bright life plans for the sake of our mother'.

         So with these and many other thoughts I sat tiredly in my seat in the bus. the next seat was empty. I reclined my seat back and leaned back. suddenly after a few minutes one sweet little face emerged between the gap of the seats, from the back of me and smiled at me touching my face with her soft little palm.
     . I was literally shocked and lifted my head to see the face of the girl clearly. she went back to her mothers lap, and again came back and did the same thing as before. Now she was giggling and laughing as if she knew me very well. Even her mother was surprised by her act. she just smiled at me.

      Do you know how immediately my burden was rolled away, with that smile of the little girl and by her touch on my face? No body knows what peace I got in my heart, how soothing was that touch to me, how relaxed I was immediately and I slept peacefully till I reach my destination.

 Incident 3.      The other time I and my friend went to a church where she was invited to give a message. We were sitting at the back of the pew and she was invited to the dais to sit. So I was left alone, and I do not know any one in that church so I just reading my bible, till the time for the message comes. The elder of the church came and asked me whether I would give a message after my friend's was over.

          I looked up and saw my friend was nodding her head inviting me to her side. So I accepted the invitation and went and sat with her. I was not prepared for this. I just accompanied her to the Church. so I bowed down my head and closed my eyes to pray for a message from God. As He was revealing His message step by step,and I was grasping it in my mind, and after a while I opened my eyes , actually I was leaning forward and praying.

      One sweet little boy with chubby cheeks was standing in front of me, and was smiling at me. I was shocked , he was so close to my knees and my face, and as I was erecting my back, he slowly went to his mothers lap and sat there staring at me.

         This incident calmed me and made me spirit filled. The message was straight from God. I knew that Jesus was with me and His presence was with me.  There are umpteen signs of children like this to me. I will narrate one more, spectacular incident in my life.

           I went USA to my daughter's house to stay for a while, they had given me the room of my grandson who was 2 1/2 years old,  some how this boy who was attached to me so much one year back  was not coming to me, not even near to me. He was just avoiding me and not talking to me. He was saying a few words now and then, but only peeping at the door of the room where I was staying and going away.  
One day  James my son-in-law brought a crater of sodas,  We were talking how nice are the sodas to drink etc.  Jayden said he likes sodas very much.
   
Later  one day I asked him while climbing the steps, while he was playing with his Thomos Rail Engine, which was his favourite game. "Jayden why you are not playing with me or coming into my room?"  He said,' its not your room, its my room'    What? I said, 'Its my room" he yelled.  I was shocked and asked his mom , what he is saying?  She laughed and said, mom since his birth he was sleeping in that room, and he says it is his room, now you are there  and he does not like it seems." she laughed.    "Oh I exclaimed, " after all 2 1/2 years+soda ( its a Telugu term like  you little fellow= soda)" you are saying its your room?"  Immediately he answered me "I am not soda(soda= gas liquid for him)  I am Jayden" stoutly he answered me with a long face. I laughed and left the place. I did not know how to deal with this little fellow. I just postponed that program me to another time.He kept this grudge in his little heart for two weeks now.
    Next morning all of us were going to the church, and James asked me to pray  before leaving .  I was praying, then suddenly I found a great jerk at my knees, just before I finished my prayer. I found Jayden hugged my knees as if some force pulled him there, and  he himself took a step back from me within seconds, there was a great shock in his face, so was I.  I could not imagine actually what happened.  H e went back to his dad knees and staring at me as if how is the way he does not know why he hugged me.  Poor guy, I know this the way God reconciled both of us, and thereby we became  like magnet and iron piece.      You know why I like to go to USA just to see my little two magnets.  Jessica and Jayden.    
After that many things happened of this sort,  whenever it happened they are spectacular, unexpected and the sweetest.

         Incident 4.   well there is yet another signature of God in my life just a few days back , I went along with pastor Jeevan and Malcom and his wife to Gajuwaaka, to help the Hudh Hudh affected people.  we had very hectic and fruitful day , started our journey at 4 am and continued to work till late in the evening. Every body was taking dinner at the end, I retired to a small room adjacent to give rest to my aching knees and back.  I was alone there, and suddenly a young mother came with an infant in her arms. She smiled at me..  I smiled at her still lieing down on the little coach there.   she was about to go to other room adjacent to the place i was in, and turned around suddenly and asked me " wont you hold my little baby in your lap?" I was happily surprised and said, oh why not give me your baby, and I took her into my lap"   the baby was smiling in her sleep, I found a black spot on her cheek,  the mother is very simple looking girl without any ornaments on her, neat and tidy, but this spot worried me a little, so boldly I asked her, Why u put this spot on the cheek of the baby?  As I expected she told me that its a mark to evade the evil eye.  I told her " Do you know what the word of God tells us?" I opened the Holy Bible and showed the verses from Isaiah 8:11-14 " This is what the Lord says to me, with His strong hand upon me, warning me not to follow the way of this people.  Do not call conspiracy, everything these people call conspiracy (evil eye) do not fear what they fear; and do not dread it.  The Almighty is the One you are to regard as Holy, he is the one you are to fear, he is the one you are to dread"   so I asked her to wipe the black spot the symbol of the evil on the angelic face of the baby.  She said she would do it from the day after. 'No , I said, you should get rid of it right now." so She wiped the spot with her fingers.   and smiled at me. I shared the word of God to her , and told her the meaning of the verses she read.   I saw great relief in her face and with smiles she left the place.   Do not you think this is very odd, a mother asking some body , 'wont you take my baby in your arms?'  not asking for help but she needed to see her baby in the arms of me,. which is a strange phenomenon on the part of any mother.    Praise God this is yet another incident.

              Incident 5.        I was getting ready to go to Luthern church , it was 8 am, the church would start at 8:30 am, I was in two minds, should I go to this church or should I go to Abraham's church as the other day two lady tailors of his church asked me to come and give the word of God?   I was getting ready to go, then there was a knock on my Iron gate, so,  I went to open it wondering who would be the person to disturb me at this hour on this day.

                There stood Abraham with a packet which I asked him to bring yesterday.  I never expected him today  that too at his early hour of Sunday.  In fact I forgot that I asked him to bring that packet too.  When he was about to go away after handing over the packet , I asked him shall I come to his church as Usha and Suzan and you asked me to come , the other day?  He was so happy and said, yes aunty  please do so.

                    That settled my dual thought of going to Luthern church or this church.  I got ready and went , it was raining cats and dogs, all in a sudden... no one was there except one woman,  in the hall, Abraham children 9 years girl and 10 years boy and 2 years little girl were there.  I sat in a chair and meditating His word...

                  Abraham's little daughter do not know me, she never saw me, so it was natural for her to avoid me and ran away from me, a stranger.   Therefore as usual I did not bother, nor I remember that there was a little girl there.

                   As I was looking into the book and reading,  suddenly I found this girl came near me with two musical instruments, (kanjiries, like tadpole like things)  and smiled at me and gave me one to me. She cannot speak because she is such a small girl,  but she made signs and actions was telling me something.. showing the alter. I did not understand so I asked her brother what is she saying?  he told me she is asking you to go to the pulpit and pray.  i was astonished to see her gestures, still continuing.. and asking me to go there.  This thrilled my heart, This filled me with His presence.  Oh God how wonderful thou art!1

Children are the signs of God for me. Their angels all ways look in to the face of their Father, thus saith the Lord.

God chaseneth ......

God teaches many things when you are alone, when you are depressed, when you are discarded, but its very difficult to us to listen to His voice and learn His ways, in that situation. We are bewildered, unhappy and struggle to find ways and means to get out of that situation. But God would not allow us to come out, here I see His love, this time. Here I understand, the meaning of the verse, " He chasteneth them whom He loveth"-- All these years, though I know this verse very much , I was scared to understand it, or meditate on it, for I was afraid to be chasten by the All Mighty God,fearing I will die. Feeling I will face horrible things in my life. But now I understand that because He loves me He is allowing me to stay alone, all the desires of being connected to the dear ones of my fold vanished away from me completely now. Only now I understand, that I should not strive for that much longed position of Mother any more. Yesterday I attended a wonderful meeting meant for the Single women, who are separated, divorced and widowed like me and who are leading their lives lonely though they have nieces, nephews, and children, the way they are conducting themselves really an eye opener for me.
Its a difficult task for us to move from one stage of life to another stage of life. Like when we were much pampared by the parents at home, going to school , leaving them was a difficult unwanted task for a while. Later we adjusted to it, and could not leave that stage, unless we were promised for much higher stages in our lives. It was so when we get some job where we find its difficult to adjust till we learn to offer our best over there. So was with the case when we got married, the long life of married life was full of adjustments, and with ups and downs, though we put up a very beautiful appearance of good examplary couple to the society. But in all these stages we enjoyed life, we were not left alone. Once you are asked to quit the job because of ur age, and once the much attached life partner was taken away from your life, taking new twists into our lives make us worried, depressed, and lonely. To come out of that stage also need some some time, for some people it would be only one year, and for some of us it may take ten years, or more.
But surely we will come out; in the beginning days of my bereavement I started to translate a wonderful book by name " Do not waste your worries" into Telugu language. This book consoled me and gave me much strength, to face the world.
There is hidden treasure even in the worries, tears of our lives.
only when we dig them and treasure them and use them then we can be useful to us and to others.
But this lesson is too costly to be understood and to put it into practice.

How I wish the Lord God be my Redeemer, and let me learn these precious lessons of lonely life. May the good Lord be my Lover of my soul, and guide of my thoughts, and help all my friends who are going in this path.

Life stands still

Wow, how the life would utterly change, once you are retired!!
Till then the time, the days and years, are just fixed to rythum, whether you like the tune or not, you have to go accordingly;
You have a schedule, a timetable, oh I used to have a small timetable card in my pass, year after year for the past 34 years, which I need to stick to it meticulously in College. I used to plan some work according to the priorities to be finished every day during my stay over at home, or for the holidays.. that come.
Now, there is no fixed things in life. I do things leisurely according to my energy or wish.
Nothing forces me to finish things in haste.
Even taking break fast would not force me, I can take it only if I am really hungry, I can sleep whenever I really feel tired, there is no force behind me to tell me that I must finish anything in given period of time.
Can retirement has such impact on life/ may be that is the reason the Indian Government fixed the age to 58 instead of 60 or 62, when I would never be any chance to enjoy life any more. at least these two years I can test my self to see how far I am really gonna full fill my dreams..Indeed, life is standing still, ... let me see what is stored for me for the future..




e

Suicide = a dark feeling=Euthanasia (Series No 5)

Why people want to commit suicide? Anger, and shame are the reasons for it? Sometimes there would not be any reason, it would be just a temptation. Its a darkest thought which pursue you to do a harm to your body , forgetting that you have a soul.
I was 15 years old, I do not know what made me to eat poisonous fruit I found at an idol temple I went along with my friends, that is Pedda Kaakaani, near Guntur.
I ate those yellow fruits( pachcha ganneru kaaya) knowingly that people die if they eat them.
I got terrible pain in my stomach, there was terrible bleeding, my parents thought I had regular periods of every month. But I know what I had done. I had many horrible vomitings,I did not have any reason to do such an act. Some evil force made me to eat and test myself whether I would die or not.
I do not know why God spared my life then, even though I did not know Him, but I think I whispered a desperate prayer to Jesus to save me. And He saved me.
later never did I tried such thing in life.
But as I observe people who commit suicide, the reason behind their acts was a feeling of boiling anger. They want to take revenge on the person who cheated them, or who humiliated them or who misused them. Because they could not commit a murder on that person, they commit a murder on themselves.
Some people think that the world will open its eyes, or their loved ones will come to know the truth, and understand them better, or some times they think that they are taking a good revenge on the people who could not understand them.
But what a foolish thought, people forget within a few days, for what they have taken their lives. People consider such suiciders as cowards, and useless people.
Those who are left behind they live their normal lives forgetting for what their friends commit suicide. Human tendency is such. History repeats all ways. and History is forgotten by the public very often. The memory of the public is very short. People never like to remember the stupidest things like these. They go forward. So the aim and purpose behind the suicide is nullified.
I feel ashamed of myself for committing such an act of foolishness. Nobody knows about this, not even my own mom or dad till now. I myself forgot about that completely till now. But one thing I believe, that Loving and compassionate God has a special purpose in my life. He was with me in my foolishness, in my utter, uselessness. and in my loneliness, in my paths of life all ways, His inner voice was there all ways to guide me and lead me.therby my soul sings this song, "Thy loving kindness is better than life, ..."
Never and never I felt this thought of suicide again till recently, One dark night, when I was really sick, and when I tried to look forward into my life, I was started to think about the act of "Euthanasia"
I was just thinking about my end days, my old age yet to come, my helpless uneven years ahead. As my both children are too far from me, I was thinking how it would be if I join in an old agehome, if I live longer, ( God forbid)!! How about if I became terribly sick and hospitalized, how if I donate my eyes, my heart, ( if they are in good condition on my death bed) and how about if I ask my doctor to give me permission to opt for euthanasia? That is mercy killing , not suffering much with any disease.. uhm.. Can this old age is so fearful? Can I have a gentle death? How this euthanasia would be administered on me if in case the permission is granted to me.Oh God, help me, from these dark thoughts.. help me to dwell in thine sanctuary of peace and rest.
I am wondering sometimes, thinking about the stalwarts of the Bible. King David my favorite Hero of the Bible, Abraham, Moses, Daniel,isaac, Joseph, Jacob, wow, all these people lived for God and they were heroes of the ancient days, but they too died. what was their end.. how they faced the death.. was it gentle, or did they suffer..at the end.. We know about Moses, he was just not there, whether he died or not .. where is his grave .. all that we do not know. David was so cold at his last days, he shivered, and died lastly. umm we know that Abraham and Daniel died at the prime age of full years of life . how they died we do not know. Joseph had his last wishes, and Jacob had bestowed his last blessings so was with Isaac who blessed all his children knowing that he is going to die. oh will I know when death is going to come to me.. and can I be prepared aptly for that event...do not know... Oh if only God would let me know of it, and so my prayer is "oh lord let me know the end of my days, and help me count the days of my life to the end.."

Endless company of Loneliness( Series No.2)

I realized that Loneliness would never leave me alone, It is there always waiting to cuddle in my bed, dine with me, sing with me, laugh with me , shed tears with me, and even go for long walks with me. Oh its just foolishness on my part to try to avoid this companion who is never invited by me.
When i was young , the vigor, and energy, used to make me to indulge into many tasks to finish, so there was no time to think or brood over other things, because I need to concentrate on the work at hand, and by the time I finish the work I get tired physically and go to bed to take much needed sleep and rest. So there i never realized that Miss Loneliness was hovering over me somewhere to be with me.
But now as the days go by, and my pace and gait becoming slower and slower, and tasks at hand are being limited, and even the book reading , my favorite pass time and a hobby became scarce due to tired eyes, I found that I am left with plenty of time to brood over, doing nothing. There i find miss Loneliness is coming happily and sitting with me , leaving me not a minute .
oh well why shouldn't I make use of her in different way, in stead of trying to get rid of her all the time and end up with Mr. Depression and become more miserable than before? And why don't invite the company of Miss Loneliness and enjoy time with her?
yea I still remember , those lonely cold nights, where I just tying to fight with my sobbings, while I curled up my self on the same edge of the bed where my husband breathed his last, with same sorrowful thoughts devouring my shivering body and soul. I used to get up in the middle of the night, and move around, with lights on, and sit in the middle of the bed, and sob again, till I feel that there is no strength to shed tears any more. There is none to talk to, some holidays I just spend talking to none in my lonely home.
When my husband and children at home , I used to wait for the holidays, to do many many more things for the family. But now I am scared of holidays, husband is no more. children went away to distant lands for employment and I am left with my empty nest.. How can i escape Miss Loneliness? She giggles at me, smiles at me, and glares at me, some times peeps into my cold bed room politely asking to enter, while I see a funny movie in TV and laugh loudly all by myself.
Those were the earlier days of my lost of my husband, every body, every pastor was praying that "Bless this widow, (It used to hurt me so much, it used to stab me right into my heart, whenever they addressed me like that , I used to weep bitterly, because there the cultural curses are in that word of addressing , where I live) and they used continue to pray , "these orphans, who lost their father..."
( they used to pray like that about my children, ohh, it was terrible, what, my children are orphans? no no never. even if die , they are not orphans they have Father God who looks after them, and I know this is not the way how to pray for a woman who lost her husband and for children who lost their father. and they used to continue, telling me that, "hereafter God is my husband." I just cannot comprehend this concept, 'how can God be my husband? He is my Father, my Redeemer, my Saviour,
I remember that its written in the Bible also that He is the husband of the widow, but still I could not understand this. so I knelt down and bitterly cried to God , 'Lord how can you be my husband> how can it be , I cannot see that relationship with you, ours is intimate relationship..." as I was praying I got answer from Him, Yea, that relationship of intimacy, close love , real love, one in soul and one in body, and mind, ---and the way I used to obey him , the way I used to do everything only with his consent, that would be my relation with my God now. "
yea, there were many things I faced in my lonely woman/widowhood, people used to come and tell me, that my status is changed now and I need to sit in a corner and maintain my role. Sitting in a corner? this was told by a so called Godly man... what does it mean/ Can he tell the same thing to a man who lost his wife may be/ ? or to his own daughter? Is there separate rule for men? Has God set separate role for widow? The verses written in Bible about a widow were full of compassion , God took care of them in special way, even He told them that He would take care of them as their husband would and as a Father too. Because the society is humiliating them as they do even to day. He never put any rules to her.In fact His treatment either in case of Ruth the widow, or Naomi the widow was different, He was kind to reveal Himself to the prostitute Rehab, and Mary Magdalene, Only the later men who wrote about the widow in their days, put restrictions to her in every way possible. That even in their writings they called 'a woman as a widow only when she is above 60 years, I was only 47 and they started to call me widow.. and expected me to sit in a corner!!!They said that women should keep quiet , never open their mouth. But we do not follow it, why because , that verse is applicable to those days, in those churches, not to the modern woman. some other scriptures say that woman should not wear pearls and costly clothes, can any modern pastor wife agree with this? why not? because, those were the days, when women were expected to dress up like tents, never seen in public, nor they employed and economically independent.
It was the society of Patriarchal system in family set up.
Now the family system is more like on gender equality. When women were asked to shut their mouths in the church in those days, remember that Philip has four unmarried daughters who were prophetesses. Never you judge others according to your own understanding, especially according to the own narrow understanding of Holy Scriptures. Our understanding of the Scriptures is very limited. That is the reason One man of God in the Bible tells us, that "there is a scope of us misunderstanding the scriptures "so be careful ...
oh no, I who was teaching about the plight of women in this Indian culture, the social evils that bound women , like dowry, female infanticide, devadhasi system, joginy system, prostitution, gender inequality,rape, widowhood,peculiar problems of her sex , only India specially. should yield to this sort of humiliation? these so called pastors wives started to tell me in directly that I need to wear white saris, or pale colour saris to show the world that i am a widow. Enough shouted in my lonely room, I will never never yielded to this cultural curses upon a widow, I will never never do what they expect of me. My colleague a social worker like myself, told me that I should live according to the expectations of the society.
she started to tell me that husbands die because there is not much congenial atmosphere at home. Does she know how much I loved my husband and how much iIsacrificed my life for his comfort? oh how people try to devour you when you face a calamity in life.
So I rebeld against the society, and so called Christendom, My father when I was a little child of four years , he bought lip stick and nail polish for me and I used them through out my life. only after I entered a cult of religion I stopped them, even though i was expected to use them in my Air Hostess carrier .
So I revived my habit once again after the death of my husband, I am no more the wife of a man, but daughter of my father, who lovingly cared about me, I started to buy colourful saris, and gold bangles to make world realize that there are no restrictions for woman just because she is a widow. I was criticized, abused mentally, and looked down by many, but I never cared, not because I love this out ward appearance, but to show the world there is no restrictions for a widow , and i never yield to the curses of the society. A widow is considered as a bad omen in our society. How many times I was silently shut down by the social gatherings of our neighbors, because I am a widow. Many times I saw them turning back on my face because I was seen by them on the street, when they were going on some important errand, and they considered me as bad omen. In the beginning I was just lowering my eyes, humiliated, later I cared not their foolish acts, nor I showed my feelings to them.
when I was not given permission to join in Gideon organization because I was a widow, I opted for Rotary club, to which I was associated as a social worker in my student days, in Vishakapatnam. I was the only woman member in it. Again I was criticized for it, though it was a friendship and social service group. Later slowly other friends like Dr. Nirmala devi, Miss Lalitha, former retired lecturer, and many others joined this group, we used to have very good time doing social service activities in our Eluru town. But Christendom started to criticize me that I joined a "Club" which is something forbidden to a woman, that too a widow..
haha who cares?Do you think that I am a coward? No I am the daughter of my Heavenly Father, and He cares for me, and I do care what He cares. That is the principal of my life.( yes written long back.. nice to review and praise God for His benevolent guidance and protection in bringing me to His wings)

HIgh ways to meet this lonliness/depression.( Series No 4)

We need Appreciation from others when we do something for them, a little smile of encouragement, a nod of support, a twinkle of love in their eyes, to carry on our work much better. At his juncture I remember my late principal, Sr. Winifred, a godly woman, she used to be so excited for even little things we do in college. Actually ,WE thought they were our responsibilities to carry on ,but she was so happy and used to come to our departments or wherever we are, even in the open campus sometimes, or even in the canteen, to compliment for the little work that we render for college. sometimes though we felt that we just carried on that work just because we need to do, all that weary would vanish in minutes and we found ourselves doing much more for the college without being asked by her. Sometimes she used to put a small note of appreciation for what we did for college on the notice board where all of used to sign.
i still remember one example she quoted in a little talks of hers in a staff meeting.
she said , "how do you prepare coffee for your husband?", suddenly we were happy to tell her thinking that she does not know how to prepare a cup of coffee as she is a nun. somebody said, "We take a cup of boiled milk" and she added, to that "oh well you will put a little sugar and a spoon full of instant coffee powder to it , and then you wouoh well you will put a little sugar and a spoon full of instant coffee powder to it , and then you would add something else to that, do you know that? that is a spoon full of "love".. all of us were giggling with happiness) Then she continued, "See , when you add this little ingredient of Love to your coffee , it will be more tastier than anything else in the world."
Then she continued her lecture about "duty and Attitude of work"
Can we ever forget such Principal? All of us used to work 200% of our energy and never felt that we were tired.
Once she was telling about the evaluation method of examination system in our college, soon after the summer holidays.
she wanted to tell us how careful we should be in correcting the papers, and never we should be negligent in posting marks.To make her point clear to us she told us, about a girl who wanted to commit suicide because she failed in one subject that summer. It seems the girl and her father came to meet principal in her office, and the girl was beyond to be consoled, she was crying bitterly, her father was begging principal to save the life of the girl, because she had failed that particular subject just within one mark range. He wants principal to do something and help his daughter. Principal tried to talk to the girl, telling her that she cannot give that one mark though it is an autonomous system of evaluation in our college, which is against rules and conscience of hers. The girl was all in tears and beyond consolable. Principal tried her level best to reason with her, but in vain.
so ultimately she asked the girl, a Hindu girl , whether they could pray together. For which the girl gave her consent, and after the prayer the girl was astonishingly regained her disposition, and became calm and serene. Then principal added to her speech to us, "she accepted to write the supplementary exam to do her level best to get through the examination. One thing she said at the end of her speech , that I never would forget, a practical action oriented preaching of hers. That is
" There is power in prayer."
Power of prayer... power of lonely prayer, Power in the prayer that prays in His secret places. How many times we enjoy this and comfort in it.
Even once i was insulted by a head of the christian women organization of a church.
She out rightly told me that my daughter is not for the match she is talking about as she does not a father. she opted for the girls who have both father and mother but not a girl without a father.
Do you know how i wept and prayed, "Father you r my Father, and the Father of my children, you have taken their father because You loved him so much. But I know you will never leave us as orphans. They are not interested in our girl because they are thinking that I cannot meet their demands of pleasure, in marriage? But u know Father , that I trust in you , and in you alone."
You know the answer He gave to me, ??"yes I am your Father, .. and I am the Father of your daughter, and son, you called me Father, and it is revealed to you not by men but my Father in Heaven. " Matt 16:17
Within 45 days of this incident, God gave James to be married to my daughter. He came to India on 3rd sept, came to see Happy on 6th sept 2004 first time,
and the engagement was arranged for 9th sept2004 and marriage on 10th sept by faith.
They both went to Madras to get the Visa for USA, on 16th, and booked the tickets to USA on 29th and left. Who did this marriage? any man? NO nO, its my Father in Heaven, and the Father of my children in Heaven.

By ways / to solve this Depression-Series No. 3

There is an inner being in every human being which craves for "Acceptance, Recognition,Appreciation, Love & Affection, Security" We live for these, We need them in our social life, which colors the socialization.
To get them is all our goal. If we do not have these basic social needs being full filled, we search for different ways to get them.
when we study, when we work in an office, when we work at home we need these positive strokes of life, we need people to accept us as we are, not as we should be, for no one is perfect all the time.We need recognition to our work , to our toils by our teachers, by our higher authorities, by our family members.when they just take us for granted, and just behave indifferent in spite of our hard work and toil for the better environment, we feel depressed at times.
Sometimes i followed whatever methods I feel that they would do good for me.
I started to chat on internet many hours a day. I do not know the people there, i just share my inner feelings of depression, and I found myself there in front of my desk top with tearful face while typing and chating. I know that was not real world, but still I found it was consoling sometimes I cheated myself that it was real world. One thing i was safe with my feelings for I never would meet those people and they would never see me in my life. Some of them were real sympathetic, used to give me good counsel and lend an ear of patience to all my prattling online. I used to get relieved as let out the hurt feelings and my depression to an unknown person there.
I started to read some books which i stopped to read since 25 years.. I tried to identify myself with those characters, and shed tears along with them, and laugh at life along with them.
I became addicted to all sorts of TV channels day and night, just to have a feeling of some body in my lonely home.somebody to listen to, because there is none to talk to or listen to in the strange silent nights of my home.
Yes, they helped me for a while, and really helped me that I could lead my lonely life, going to bed alone, waking up alone, moving around in the house all alone, eating my breakfast or lunch or dinner all alone, which i hated most of all. So i stopped to cook also for a long time.
My favourite chapter was Proverbs 31 , its about the IDEAL WOMAN the way she conducted , as a good wife,and as a good mother, and as a good organizer and as a good HOME Engineer.
I tried to live the passages with all my heart, I strove for showing a good example to other women, but now once I faced this loneliness after the demise of my dear husband, there is no meaning for my life. I am not a wife any more, I lived as a good wife for 22 years, and now what I speak about the wife of the proverbs only laughs at me.. so when I read it weep. and I stopped to read it.
No body can understand how i feel then.
Once we sat together for family prayer, with our friends, Kamal and Sam in Bangalore,that day the Our Daily Bread portion was Proverbs31, as soon as the children started to read it, without my knowledge the tears were rolling down my eyes, immediately, I do not remember now, it was Happy or John some one said, "Our mom weeps whenever she reads this chapter," then those dear two boys agreed to change the daily portion at once and they read something else.
uhm That was my plight, I was running from the reality, running away from the people who hurt me by their looks or words. I was running away from the sensitive situations all ways. It continued for many years. many years.
Once I was in a college party, my friends were giving roses to each one of us, when they came to me they just ignored me and gave the rose to the next person beside me. It was the first time , I was treated like that. later many a times like that. I was humiliated because I am a widow. Where it is written that a woman should not love flowers if she lost her husband/ ? anywhere in the Bible? I am sking this question because I was thus treated by Christians rather than the Hindu friends.
Once i went to a wedding of my friend, he asked me to sit in the front row, as he has much regard for me as his own mother, when i was about to sit there, his friend's sister took away the chair and asked me to sit at the back.
Later she told me that only women with husbands are allowed to come to marriage functions (she called them as Muthaidhuvulu) and did not allow me to come to marriage of hers though her brother invited me to the wedding . I stopped to go at the last minute though i prepared to go. hello she is supposed to call herself a christian, mind u..haha
Do you know what it is to be a widow of a pastor, in young age of 47years, Do you know what it is to protect the children from the claws of a cult who think all ways about your money, your gold , your salary, your car, your scooter, your house to be taken away?
I faced all that in my life/ i wanted to protect my children from any of such bad evil forces.
I stood all alone, my Father in Heaven knows , how i spent many nights sitting in the middle of my bed weeping and praying.
People thought I am proud , I am proud because I have a job, a very respectable job with good income.They expected me to stoop down to their whims and fancies, they expected me to dance to their flute.
Do you know only Hindu friends helped me to pick up my courage again. Swaroopa.U my colleague told me about her widowed sister who was also a lecturer like me, and told me to be courageous like her. Madhavi, was a constant friend of mine. she accompanied me to any place and helped me psychologically in college and out of college . I Annapurna, was the other one who was there for me to talk to me in a friendly way. Dr. Nirmala was all ways there to make me laugh in spite of her terrible married life, and harassment and physical and mental abuse by her husband.
Except these friends I was all alone. My other friends whom i thought were good friends of mine, the christian friends took revenge on me for unknown reasons. They spoke sarcastically and let me down in the society. One Gideon friend out rightly told me that the rule of the Gideon is no widow should be associated in this association. Oh what type of Gideon is that one. Is he the one who was in the Bible? or some one who is against our Loving God who loves widows and orphans/
These are only a few things I could relate here, there are many more incidents which wrenched my heart, I cannot share with my children too, for they are too young, and as mother I should never bring them into this sorrow. Many a times I told my self, "Be Brave" sometimes i was so vexed with my self, and used to weep in His presence, Oh Lord I cannot be brave any more. many things i have to do for my children in the place of their dad, and in the place of their mother. Decision making is only on my shoulders. If i commit any mistake in case of their lives, the whole world will point at me and attribute my courage to pride and haughty nature.
which they love to do so.
Oh you will never know what is this depression until and unless u face it with utter darkness of loneliness in life, after all that hubbub of busy life with a family and friends, all in a sudden, abruptly , all at once you to become empty, no one , no friends, children far from you , because you wanted them to go for their best future in pursuit of studies and jobs and marriages. God only the one who knows the hearts and sacrifices, of a lonely person like me.( written long long back)

Tragedies (Series No.6)

Humm, I love tragedies, I used to like "Macbeth" rather than "As You Like It", I used to love the "farewell" songs rather than "welcoming" songs, I like the music to be soft and serene rather than jubilant , even from my childhood. I used to have only one close friend all the time in any given class, as my father was a Police Officer we used to move from city to city on transfers, and I never had the opportunity to have a close friend more than three years, I could not continue those friends when I moved from that place as there were no phones, and writing letters was not my wont.
Therefore living alone even in a crowd is not a strange thing to me. I can count only a few friends with whom I can be comfortable with. My husband was my friend, of course, so I never find that I need to be friendly with any one else in that long period 22 years of my married life,It was connected with only one friend, and my joy, my life, my status, my identity everything was connected with him . When he died, I was all alone, which I never expected so soon. If only he died when he was 65 and I 61 I may not feel so much depression and loneliness as I do now.
Even after 10 years of his demise, me feeling like this means, I did not give it much thought, I attributed it to circumstances and blamed the situations, and shed tears over my plight. This became my hobby may be.
So now I sit and I am thinking along the lines I found in a beautiful book where my feelings were recorded exactly as I feel.
Let me put those feelings mingling with mine here.

"I look on depression as like it was the fight of my life, which of, trying to unthread its causes.
What was the root of all this despair?
Was it psychological ? ( Mom & dad fault?)Was it temporal? a bad time in my life?
was it genetic? Was it cultural?( being a widow, the society expects her to be melancholic all the time?)
Or was it artistic? feeling proud to be empathetic for the owes of others? and feeling super sensitive and special?)
Was is hormonal? oh this depression is because of my menopause? Dietary/? because sometimes i am over eating or completely starving myself,when no body there to talk to me at home.Philosophical? social? seasonal? environmental?
Did I have a chemical imbalance?

Depression and Loneliness( Series No.1)

Depression and Loneliness never leave me alone. They track me down after about ten days wherever I go. Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right. They don't need to show me their badges. I know these guys very well. We've been playing a cat-and mouse game for years now. Though I admit that I am surprised to meet them in this elegant house and beautiful surroundings,.
They frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying here. depression even confiscated my identity; but it always does that. Then Loneliness starts interrogating me, which I dread because it always there eventually. It asks if I have any reason to be happy that I know of. It asks why I am all by myself alone every night, . He asks(though we've been through this line of questioning hundreds of times already) why I can't keep a friendship going, why I became a widow at the young age of 47years, why I mess things up with my  close ones, why things go so sour since I became a widow. It asks why I can't get any act together, and why I'm not home living in a nice house and enjoy to be a respectable woman with a husband who loves me  as  of my age should be. It asks why, exactly, I think I deserve a vacation , when I've made such a rubble of my life. It asks me why I think that running away to USA, and again to India, like a college kid will make me happy. He asks where I think I'll end up my old age, if I keep living this way. I tried to shake them, but they keep following me, these two goons. Depression has a firm hand on my shoulder and Loneliness harangues me with Its interrogation. I don't even bother to eat properly sometimes, I cant live with them all the time. They never leave me they give their dark smile to me and settles into my favorite chair or in my bed where ever I am and settles very close to me. and sleeps with me and wakes with me. ( This was my life , some years back)

Bucket List

I wonder how human mind plays tricks, in the same way in everybody's life.
Only difference is some people recognize them, and some do not.
here are some of my long lost desires which pester me so much .. all my life.
* I love to learn Hindi. for this I need to go to Delhi and stay some time with my friend Dr. Shanthi
* I want to see Rome and Jerusalem, Egypt which I promised my self when I was selected as an AirHostess in Air India, long long back.
* I want to learn peona since i Observed my teachers Miss. Virginia, and
Miss Helen, and Miss Fiche Thorn, our English Teacher from USA, used to play in our school auditorium, of Stall Girls High school at Guntur.
* I want to write a book and publish it. For which I started to write and publish AMMA VODI but stopped lately, for no reason. Only one reason was , instead of writing and publishing it every month, I thought of doing it in volume and finish it, which i could not do till now.
*Want to go hospitals and orphanages and render service to them with my hands rather than by giving money and forget about them.
* To attain doctorate in any interesting subject, may be in scriptures..?

Will I be ever could achieve these things
oh it seems like an unreachable goals in my life as I am going to complete 59 years this month, and I feel I am old and can not have that much of energy to do anything.
For years I'd wished to do these things... but I could never make the practical justification for doing them.
oh What was I going to do with these things at this age?
but why must everything always have a practical application? I'd been such a diligent soldier for years-- working, producing, never missing a dead line, taking care of my loved ones, my family, conducting election booths as presiding officer, etc., Is this lifetime supposed to be only about duty? Still I am doing my duties even now at this age, as Baby sitter to the children of my daughter here in Virginia, nothing brought me here to spend my precious 5 months of my last years on this earth, except that my duty towards my daughter drawn me here and complete my duty for her and her children whole wholeheartedly God willing.
In this dark period of loss, did I have any Thrill for learning Hindi other than that it was the only thing I could imagine bringing me any pleasure right now?
It's not like I was saying,at the age of 59," I want to become the principal for the great public school in New Delhi. " Studying a language is something you can actually do. . My children think that this desire of mine is hilarious. Did they not think that I am good for nothing, and could never learn driving a car or own a car all by myself? Well they may not have confidence in me , but I do have.. and I am gonna strive for it. Because I love it.Every word was a singing sparrow, a magic trick, a truffle for me. The words made me laugh in delight. I love this language since my teen age, I saw a number of Hindi films , sang number of Hindi songs, but never could carry on a conversation, though I can read Hindi sentences, and write the language.
umm this should be my next venture when I go home in the year 2012.God willing.
May be I would move to New Delhi and stay with that loving family of my friend Dr. Shanthi for a while.

Extracts--- the voice of God

This sort of experience I had had many a times, when I cried for the faith in Him, and when Prayed for the deepest desires of mine, poured out in His presence. Its not once but many times,
The words I took as an extract from this beautiful book do depict my experience in wonderful way. so here it is recorded once again.

"And so the prayer narrowed itself down to that simple entreaty---Please tell me what to do--- repeated again and again. I do not know how many times I begged. I only know that I begged like someone who was pleading for her life. And the crying went on forever.
Until--quite abruptly---it stopped.
It so happened when I prayed when my husband died, He answered.
When I prayed for my son when he fall down in ditch, He answered.
when I cried for a baby in my womb with tears, He answered me.
When i was taunted being a widow, and I cried at His feet , He answered me.
Not one time, many times I had this experience , and so I am recording it from that beautiful book I read.
"Quite abruptly, I found that I was not crying any more. I'd stopped crying, in fact, in mid-sob. Many misery had been completely vacuumed out of me. I lifted my forehead off the floor and sat up in surprise, wondering if I would see now some Great Being who had taken my weeping away. But nobody was there. I was just alone. But not really alone, either. I was surrounded by something I can only describe as a little pocket of silence__ a seamlessly still. I don't know when I'd ever felt such stillness.

Then I heard a voice. Please don't be alarmed-- it was not an Old Testament voice, nor was it a voice telling me I must build a a monument in my back yard. It was merely my own voice, speaking from within my own self. But this was my voice as I had never heard it before. This was my voice, but perfectly wise, calm and compassionate. This was what my voice would sound like if I'd only ever experienced love and certainty in my life. How can I describe the warmth of affection of that voice, as it gave me the answer that would forever seal my faith in the divine?
The voice said: "how much do you love me? This much He said, and He stretched His hands and died"--When I died? at the age of 33 1/2 years, it is immaterial when your husband died, How he lived is all that matter." was the answer I got when asked Him why he died at the tender age of 52 only.
The voice said -- yea even Joseph was thrown in the ditch, but all my promises I gave him came true in due course of time."--that was the answer I got when I sobbed in His presence when my son was unconsciously asked me why God did not keep His promise that he would not stumble or fall.
The voice said--"your prayer was heard , and you will conceive .." which happened the very month and He kept His promise by giving Happy as my first born.
The voice said--"The Father in heaven He Himself revealed this to you.." when I was mocked for my children do not have father to perform their marriage, and publicly humiliated.
I thank God for all these sufferings, for they are rich , and wonderful paths to listen to His still small voice and enjoyed His wonderful protection, just like the author described about the voice.

Extracts --clash, clash

These are extracts from a beautiful book I read, which reflects my inner feelings in a beautiful, simple words.
I thought it would be nice to store them, rather preserve them here in my blog, as I feel it would be nice to read them for myself.
do you know the joy of reading your own reflections? If not try and enjoy your loneliness...!!!

Thereby there is subtitle for every extract, here it is "clash"
ok...
the many resons I didn't want to be here any more are too personal and too sad to share here. Much of it had to dowith my problems, but a good portion of our troubles were related to her issues, as well. That's only natural, there ware always two figures in our relationship, after all--two people, two votes, two opinions, two conflicting sets of decisions, desires and limitations. But I don't think it's appropriate for me to discuss her issues in my blog. Nor would I ask anyone to believe that I am capable of reporting an unbiased version of our story, and therefore the chronicle of our relationship failure will remain untold here. I also will not discuss here all the reasons why I did still want to be related, or all her wonderfulness, or why I love her and why I was unable to imagine life without her. I wont's open any of that. Let it be sufficient to say that, on this night, she was still my lighthouse and my albatross in equal measure. the only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; The only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I did't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences,and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.
This part of my story is not a happy one, I know, But I share it here because something was about to occur for this experience of mine... Something good, beautiful something unimaginable would come out .... This would be my wonderful outlet for my inner feelings..........

Lonliness

do you know what is loneliness? It is not just a physical environment, nor condition of mind; its not having someone to tell your inner feelings, the someone who trusts u, who knows u what u r.
Only the relation between husband and wife could seal that type of connection, if they really know each other and love one another. Once i enjoyed that type of relation, we both used to share many things, and feel sympathy for one another when one is hurt by somebody, we both used to feel the same way for one another.
oh i lost it lost it completely, i have many things to tell to somebody, a shoulder to cry upon, a pat on my back and a hand to wipe my tears,
i feel its better to live alone in a room , where u have your own life , your own mind to communicate , rather than to be among people and live alone.
I know there is only one who is available all the time to listen to my owes, and worries, hurts and bruises to my soul. ohh Lord would you plz help me .....
Depression comes to you when there is nothing to do in life, when you are criticized for every move of yours, when you are observed all the time and commented critically, when you are hated so much and find fault with you at every moment....having some grudge without a reason,
This is a strange situation no one knows, unless you experience..