HIgh ways to meet this lonliness/depression.( Series No 4)

We need Appreciation from others when we do something for them, a little smile of encouragement, a nod of support, a twinkle of love in their eyes, to carry on our work much better. At his juncture I remember my late principal, Sr. Winifred, a godly woman, she used to be so excited for even little things we do in college. Actually ,WE thought they were our responsibilities to carry on ,but she was so happy and used to come to our departments or wherever we are, even in the open campus sometimes, or even in the canteen, to compliment for the little work that we render for college. sometimes though we felt that we just carried on that work just because we need to do, all that weary would vanish in minutes and we found ourselves doing much more for the college without being asked by her. Sometimes she used to put a small note of appreciation for what we did for college on the notice board where all of used to sign.
i still remember one example she quoted in a little talks of hers in a staff meeting.
she said , "how do you prepare coffee for your husband?", suddenly we were happy to tell her thinking that she does not know how to prepare a cup of coffee as she is a nun. somebody said, "We take a cup of boiled milk" and she added, to that "oh well you will put a little sugar and a spoon full of instant coffee powder to it , and then you wouoh well you will put a little sugar and a spoon full of instant coffee powder to it , and then you would add something else to that, do you know that? that is a spoon full of "love".. all of us were giggling with happiness) Then she continued, "See , when you add this little ingredient of Love to your coffee , it will be more tastier than anything else in the world."
Then she continued her lecture about "duty and Attitude of work"
Can we ever forget such Principal? All of us used to work 200% of our energy and never felt that we were tired.
Once she was telling about the evaluation method of examination system in our college, soon after the summer holidays.
she wanted to tell us how careful we should be in correcting the papers, and never we should be negligent in posting marks.To make her point clear to us she told us, about a girl who wanted to commit suicide because she failed in one subject that summer. It seems the girl and her father came to meet principal in her office, and the girl was beyond to be consoled, she was crying bitterly, her father was begging principal to save the life of the girl, because she had failed that particular subject just within one mark range. He wants principal to do something and help his daughter. Principal tried to talk to the girl, telling her that she cannot give that one mark though it is an autonomous system of evaluation in our college, which is against rules and conscience of hers. The girl was all in tears and beyond consolable. Principal tried her level best to reason with her, but in vain.
so ultimately she asked the girl, a Hindu girl , whether they could pray together. For which the girl gave her consent, and after the prayer the girl was astonishingly regained her disposition, and became calm and serene. Then principal added to her speech to us, "she accepted to write the supplementary exam to do her level best to get through the examination. One thing she said at the end of her speech , that I never would forget, a practical action oriented preaching of hers. That is
" There is power in prayer."
Power of prayer... power of lonely prayer, Power in the prayer that prays in His secret places. How many times we enjoy this and comfort in it.
Even once i was insulted by a head of the christian women organization of a church.
She out rightly told me that my daughter is not for the match she is talking about as she does not a father. she opted for the girls who have both father and mother but not a girl without a father.
Do you know how i wept and prayed, "Father you r my Father, and the Father of my children, you have taken their father because You loved him so much. But I know you will never leave us as orphans. They are not interested in our girl because they are thinking that I cannot meet their demands of pleasure, in marriage? But u know Father , that I trust in you , and in you alone."
You know the answer He gave to me, ??"yes I am your Father, .. and I am the Father of your daughter, and son, you called me Father, and it is revealed to you not by men but my Father in Heaven. " Matt 16:17
Within 45 days of this incident, God gave James to be married to my daughter. He came to India on 3rd sept, came to see Happy on 6th sept 2004 first time,
and the engagement was arranged for 9th sept2004 and marriage on 10th sept by faith.
They both went to Madras to get the Visa for USA, on 16th, and booked the tickets to USA on 29th and left. Who did this marriage? any man? NO nO, its my Father in Heaven, and the Father of my children in Heaven.

By ways / to solve this Depression-Series No. 3

There is an inner being in every human being which craves for "Acceptance, Recognition,Appreciation, Love & Affection, Security" We live for these, We need them in our social life, which colors the socialization.
To get them is all our goal. If we do not have these basic social needs being full filled, we search for different ways to get them.
when we study, when we work in an office, when we work at home we need these positive strokes of life, we need people to accept us as we are, not as we should be, for no one is perfect all the time.We need recognition to our work , to our toils by our teachers, by our higher authorities, by our family members.when they just take us for granted, and just behave indifferent in spite of our hard work and toil for the better environment, we feel depressed at times.
Sometimes i followed whatever methods I feel that they would do good for me.
I started to chat on internet many hours a day. I do not know the people there, i just share my inner feelings of depression, and I found myself there in front of my desk top with tearful face while typing and chating. I know that was not real world, but still I found it was consoling sometimes I cheated myself that it was real world. One thing i was safe with my feelings for I never would meet those people and they would never see me in my life. Some of them were real sympathetic, used to give me good counsel and lend an ear of patience to all my prattling online. I used to get relieved as let out the hurt feelings and my depression to an unknown person there.
I started to read some books which i stopped to read since 25 years.. I tried to identify myself with those characters, and shed tears along with them, and laugh at life along with them.
I became addicted to all sorts of TV channels day and night, just to have a feeling of some body in my lonely home.somebody to listen to, because there is none to talk to or listen to in the strange silent nights of my home.
Yes, they helped me for a while, and really helped me that I could lead my lonely life, going to bed alone, waking up alone, moving around in the house all alone, eating my breakfast or lunch or dinner all alone, which i hated most of all. So i stopped to cook also for a long time.
My favourite chapter was Proverbs 31 , its about the IDEAL WOMAN the way she conducted , as a good wife,and as a good mother, and as a good organizer and as a good HOME Engineer.
I tried to live the passages with all my heart, I strove for showing a good example to other women, but now once I faced this loneliness after the demise of my dear husband, there is no meaning for my life. I am not a wife any more, I lived as a good wife for 22 years, and now what I speak about the wife of the proverbs only laughs at me.. so when I read it weep. and I stopped to read it.
No body can understand how i feel then.
Once we sat together for family prayer, with our friends, Kamal and Sam in Bangalore,that day the Our Daily Bread portion was Proverbs31, as soon as the children started to read it, without my knowledge the tears were rolling down my eyes, immediately, I do not remember now, it was Happy or John some one said, "Our mom weeps whenever she reads this chapter," then those dear two boys agreed to change the daily portion at once and they read something else.
uhm That was my plight, I was running from the reality, running away from the people who hurt me by their looks or words. I was running away from the sensitive situations all ways. It continued for many years. many years.
Once I was in a college party, my friends were giving roses to each one of us, when they came to me they just ignored me and gave the rose to the next person beside me. It was the first time , I was treated like that. later many a times like that. I was humiliated because I am a widow. Where it is written that a woman should not love flowers if she lost her husband/ ? anywhere in the Bible? I am sking this question because I was thus treated by Christians rather than the Hindu friends.
Once i went to a wedding of my friend, he asked me to sit in the front row, as he has much regard for me as his own mother, when i was about to sit there, his friend's sister took away the chair and asked me to sit at the back.
Later she told me that only women with husbands are allowed to come to marriage functions (she called them as Muthaidhuvulu) and did not allow me to come to marriage of hers though her brother invited me to the wedding . I stopped to go at the last minute though i prepared to go. hello she is supposed to call herself a christian, mind u..haha
Do you know what it is to be a widow of a pastor, in young age of 47years, Do you know what it is to protect the children from the claws of a cult who think all ways about your money, your gold , your salary, your car, your scooter, your house to be taken away?
I faced all that in my life/ i wanted to protect my children from any of such bad evil forces.
I stood all alone, my Father in Heaven knows , how i spent many nights sitting in the middle of my bed weeping and praying.
People thought I am proud , I am proud because I have a job, a very respectable job with good income.They expected me to stoop down to their whims and fancies, they expected me to dance to their flute.
Do you know only Hindu friends helped me to pick up my courage again. Swaroopa.U my colleague told me about her widowed sister who was also a lecturer like me, and told me to be courageous like her. Madhavi, was a constant friend of mine. she accompanied me to any place and helped me psychologically in college and out of college . I Annapurna, was the other one who was there for me to talk to me in a friendly way. Dr. Nirmala was all ways there to make me laugh in spite of her terrible married life, and harassment and physical and mental abuse by her husband.
Except these friends I was all alone. My other friends whom i thought were good friends of mine, the christian friends took revenge on me for unknown reasons. They spoke sarcastically and let me down in the society. One Gideon friend out rightly told me that the rule of the Gideon is no widow should be associated in this association. Oh what type of Gideon is that one. Is he the one who was in the Bible? or some one who is against our Loving God who loves widows and orphans/
These are only a few things I could relate here, there are many more incidents which wrenched my heart, I cannot share with my children too, for they are too young, and as mother I should never bring them into this sorrow. Many a times I told my self, "Be Brave" sometimes i was so vexed with my self, and used to weep in His presence, Oh Lord I cannot be brave any more. many things i have to do for my children in the place of their dad, and in the place of their mother. Decision making is only on my shoulders. If i commit any mistake in case of their lives, the whole world will point at me and attribute my courage to pride and haughty nature.
which they love to do so.
Oh you will never know what is this depression until and unless u face it with utter darkness of loneliness in life, after all that hubbub of busy life with a family and friends, all in a sudden, abruptly , all at once you to become empty, no one , no friends, children far from you , because you wanted them to go for their best future in pursuit of studies and jobs and marriages. God only the one who knows the hearts and sacrifices, of a lonely person like me.( written long long back)