I have a work to do all the time, either for my self or for others all these years of my life. Since I had been a child of 5 years, school, and college was a regular feature till I was 58 years old. Till I was 22 years old I was a student, and later i was teacher in the college. But now after I am retired I lost all that glamor, thrill, or zeal to go out everyday.
May be God has other plans for me, first , I think He wanted me to learn how it would be sitting at home doing nothing .. by sending chickengunea, I was bed ridden for a month or so, later I tried to be normal by repairing the house, making preparations for John and Annie's wedding.This I did by sheer will power, physically I was completely ruined, every bone of my body was like a saw cutting my muscles.
But I did things for them and Happy family , for their comfort, with one and only notions and principle that driving me since the death of my husband. That is ' As their dad is no more i should never allow them feel, his absence, and never they should think, that, 'oh if only dad is alive things would never like this" I tried my level best for them for all these 10 years, doing everything for them as their dad would do or mom should do. never i allowed them to entertain the thought that they were fatherless children. nor I never showed myself to them that I as a helpless, dependent, weak widow and mother.
Later that was Christmas month, my children left me in the first week of the December, whatever be the reasons, they left me alone once again, in this wonderful season of the year.
I recollect those beautiful days how we used to celebrate the birth of Christ in our home when their father was alive. It was the most wonderful season for me and for my family. we used to sing the hymns, and decorate Christmas tree and star on the terrace and bulbs on the walls, colors and balloons everywhere, with different types of cakes and cookies to share with others.
But this Christmas I experienced more loneliness because the children were there in the first week of the season, and they left me all alone, in my home in the most cherished season of the eyar, ; they wanted to celbrate the Christams intheir homes, not with me,may be? nah, there were many other reasons to leave me here and go away, but ... but whatever be the reasons, they left me alone in my home.
What sort of celebrations can I opt for? Life seemed to be so tasteless , without any one around. and then doing something for celebrating lonely ,Every year I used to buy a set of new year calenders to give away as gifts to my colleagues and management in college. This year I was sick to go out, and I spent lonely because I could not drive or do shopping out side. Even the few friends who visit me regularly also could not come because they too were busy in celebrating the Birth of Christ with their families.
so this Christmas of 2010 was the most lonely Christmas i ever had., as i could not plan any thing for others as I was very very sick that month. and the next month too. I was at home doing nothing for three months, that is December and January, February.
Strange How God gave me strength, to face a different life at home. Every day was a problem for me. some horrible boils on feet, and legs,and arms, sprains in the back, swelling all over the body, ; all this made me to sit at home and just drag on life some how. But nobody knows about my pain and suffering except one dear friend of mine who used to come home everyday, and inquire about my health, and give some company to talk, to discuss, and laugh, as my mind is as active as ever, and I am still living in soul, as I had been all those past years of my life, the company of this friend made me to live my life.
In the month of March as it so happened I need to take up the venture of repairing the house in Vizag, which took me another three months, i.e., March ,April, May. I worked hard, without any help from any where, on the other hand, the pain in the body, the taunting from my own kith and kin, the obstacles they created were so horrible, that I never imagined in life. Not only physical ailment but mental strain and stress made me suffer a lot. But the fellowship of the Lutheran church in H B colony really helped me a lot to get strength from above.
later I found that new ailments developed and I need to see the Dental doctor immediately, I was completely in the home within the 4 walls of my room due to pain and suffering.
Hardly P recovered from that, still suffering , I landed in USA , to happy and James house. The only people who crave for my presence, and love me truly and care for me on this earth.If not they who are there to ask me to come to their home and stay with them? they provided a room for me with all the facilities , which i would never get any where in life , in any body's home either.
I Thank god and to them, for the love and care they show to me.
Though here my life is so cozy, I have no friend except the lap top in my lap here. hahah, As youngsters they are busy building their home, relations, and friendships.
I am here just doing sundry things for them. As I am suffering from Arthritis, and menopause ailments of the women, I am like another child for them as I have only the hands of 4 year old, and legs of 1 year old, feeble and weak.
Though my body is weak, my mind is sharp and active still. I desire for beautiful things,in life, friendships, laughter, and happiness with the people I could go pace with. Right at home.. There are very few people in my circle, who would not make any remark on my disposition, and who could exercise lots of patience with my forgetfulness,or feeble ways of doing things.
Right at home I have my own way of doing things, slowly and steadily,
Right at home I can make my own shopping and enjoy of spending money for me and for others which I never could fore go as long as i am able to go out.
Right at home I can drive my own car and go to different places , like friends, clubs, or social service organizations where I am needed. including my friends children weddings or get- to- gathers, where I will not be criticized but appreciated for my knowledge and timely advice they needed.
so whenever I go out I have life to live, friends to meet, to laugh without any prying eye what I do there. hahaha....
How I wish that my children could be within the reach right in India where I live. umm.. If life could give what all that we wanted and wished to have, then that is not the life at all, Anyway God has purpose in my life, and He still preparing me to meet that purpose. It is slowly and mildly being opened for me in due time.
Because even right at home, I am still and still a lonely widow, without any work to do and any one around in the home to smile at , or enquire a task, lonely lonely lonely all the time. from dawn to night. All other friends and get to gatherswill be there but , i need to be able to make time for them , needs lots of energy , enthusiasm and health to cooperate.
Oh is this retirement and old age, devour me and make me useless wherever i am??
what is my life for? why I am living?
where would I be happy and contented?
Why these questions never roused me to be as sick as I am now in the past?
This is a strange phase of my life, now next month, I am going to complete 59 years of my life, and entering into 60th year, will I be able to complete it?
How would be my life next year?
Can I keep my movements as usual?
Can I live my lonely life right at home without any problems?
Why God left me so lonely at this age?
I am not blaming God.. I am asking Him what is His purpose in this useless life of mine. one more year... how it would be? Never I questioned myself this way. But this next year makes me afride of the things to be faced.
Lord give me strength to face what all that you send to me. Please Lord help me to count my days. Help me to see how my end would be.
oh Lord please do not leave me alone. Give me some work to do where I will be really happy and useful to You till I die. This I am praying Father God, in the name of your dear son who died for me on the cross, Jesus Christ... amen and amen
